PNT, I know what you mean about whether to "act like yourself or not." I think when we first DB, we tend to go a bit overboard because that's what the situation warrants. We do NOT act like ourselves, do not do those instinctive things, because we cannot. So, when things begin to turn for the positive, it makes DBing harder because you're not sure whether to keep going heavy or back off a little. For me, I just tried to back of a little at a time. I made permanent changes in myself, but I'm still me. I guess it's a matter of being yourself, but don't continue to let the baggage get in the way.
Hi, Phoenix..I don't think I have ever posted to your thread..As I was reading I saw so much of my sitch with yours!!Funny how we all have similar problems!!!I too for a long time tried to figure out how I could really change myself so h would"like" me better..then I came here and read the books...I like most things about myself...there are certain things about all of us that we shouldn't even think about changing..and now I feel comfortable about so much..I have some bad habits to still work on..and I too would like to lose some more weight..believe me I know about the mental boost of losing weight..I lost 30 pounds last spring..on purpose, not because of sitch...and I look pretty darn good, and it reflects in all other areas of life. I am a little sad that my h never once said you look good..but hten all during our m, he never has complimented me on anything..and I guess I nvever did him either..we have a lot to learn in that area..sounds like you are doing some great things for yourself..and going slow is the key.. and of course PATIENCE!! my favorite word..I did not read all your posts, but is your h not at home? I have come to be ok without him here, and it has been just what he felt he needed..he is not so tense and edgy. Keep up your good work..glad to have met you!! Sue
I'll have to look at your thread. I love finding people who are going through similar stuff and then reading the entire thread to look for 'sign posts!'
My husband lives an hour away. He's living with 2 of his friends. They are pregnant, well the wife is. The husband is younger than my husband, and I think he contributed a little to my husband wanting to be single again. In any case, they got pregnant and then got married. She is due in about 2 months.
If my husband stays there, he'll have a screaming newborn to deal with. That'll give him a reason to move out, right?
One of the reasons I've been trying so hard to save my marriage is because my husband's family is my family too.
I wouldn't just be losing him, I'd be losing his Mom and Dad and his brothers and his step mom and his step sister and his grandparents and all of his cousins.
He's got a big family...and on his Dad's side, they all have a huge family reunion every Christmas. I still don't know everyone's names!
I've begun talking to his mother again. She's been a very strong woman and while angry at her ex-husband, has managed to raise her last 2 sons to feel safe, secure, and loved. These 2 boys are growing up into good human beings.
To my shame, I've got to say that I've judged her in the past. She yells a lot and to me, someone yelling is like someone scratching a chalk board with their finger nails.
I've just been separated from my husband for 8 months. I've had to deal with a lot of pain.
BUT--She had a really really NASTY divorce, money issues and custody issues and through it all, these boys stand out for their kindness. She obviously was doing something right.
After having been riding on this roller coaster for 8 months, and seeing how difficult a time I had handling it in a dignified, competent, strong way, I feel so ashamed that I judged her for not handling it the way I thought she should.
Man, I was so naive.
Well, I've talked to her and emailed her...I told her how much I admire her and taken steps to mend our relationship.
It will be difficult to not take sides, when my husband's mother and father are fighting. But now, I have the experience to know that they are both dealing with the pain of a truly nasty divorce. And that I CAN'T judge them, because I couldn't measure up to my own standards!
Hear ya on the family thing..I am closer to h family then my own..sad isn't it..my family has only heard things from outside of h and I about what is going on..they don't bother to ask first hand..to make a long story short..h and his ff friend were very close..I had a fear all along that this was not normal..but the deep down gut feeling was that I did not believe he would have an affair with her..and in the end I was right(some days I do doubt it all and think maybe he is really fooling me good)..he told me there were things in her life that he could not tell me, and she relied heavily on him..was it an ea..don't know for sure what that involves...but he asssured me just before he left that there was NOTHING between them,she has since found a new love and dropped my h as a friend. Anyway..back to the family thing..some family members saw him out to lunch or after work events..and she was with him..well..can you imagine what they all thought..and I have learned since all this it is so sad that a married man and woman can't have a friendship without people assuming there is "something" going on.So I too have alot to lose if we go our seperate ways..while my mil and I clash sometimes I don't tink right now she is pre judging what went wrong and whose fault it is.My h did not tell her all the details as he feels it is between the two of us..guess I did make that mistake with my sister..last spring when I was at a low and really wondered what my h and ff were doing I confided in her..later i told her differently but the damage is done..their loss..at Christmas I did not spend it wiht my family for that reason..it sure rocked the boat..but if they can't trust what I have told them then they lose. Sorry I rambled..take care Sue
I hear you about telling your sister and now there are issues.
I wish I hadn't told my family as much as I had, through the years.
They've already decided that my husband is scum. Even as things move forward in my relationship with my husband, they have decided that things are the way they see it, and no new information will change their perception.
However, my older brother is the same way about me. He takes everything I say as a personal attack against him. It doesn't matter that I'm no longer 17 years old, (I'm 28!!) and it no longer matters to him that I'm out of my depression. He's made up his mind about me and the only actions of mine that he pays attention to are the actions that confirm his beliefs.
Sigh.
But, now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of the jade colored glasses.
I guess all any of us can do is to learn from our mistakes and to focus on improving our relationships with the people who touch our lives.
Quote: One of the reasons I've been trying so hard to save my marriage is because my husband's family is my family too.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. My W's folks are great...have almost been more like a mother and father to me than my own folks. I'd miss them very much.
Quote: I guess all any of us can do is to learn from our mistakes and to focus on improving our relationships with the people who touch our lives.
Yup. I expect that over time your brother will notice your changes and relax a bit; however, it sounds like he has his own demons to deal with...as we all do.
