Reality...Bite Me

[Dom R]

Yeah... a lot of things in your marriage, ring true for mine.
She's given me the whole "I tried.. for YEARS" complaint.
Truth is though, she hasnt tried to have a Good Marriage, for over 6 years. After that, she was "merely trying to survive" (as SAHM). She's admitted that. yet still goes back to her "i tried!!" mantra. Locked into WAW mode.

I believe that;

* my wife doesnt want the responsability of being married (she never wants to be held responsible for the consequences of her own actions, or choices. She certainly doesnt want to CHANGE her choices, to be considerate of her husband)
* my wife isnt willing to put in work on our marriage, or change in any way. she'd rather just blame me for everything, than acknowlege her part in things.

One of the major issues:
My wife is severely overweight. She was overweight when we married, but put on more and more. I nagged her to change how she ate, but she followed the example of her family, and never accepted responsability that she is overweight, because of her choices of what she puts in her mouth. She was always looking for the "quick fix" diet or pill... and never stuck to those for more than a few months anyway. Same with most everything else.

She put on even more, during pregnancy. Over 100lbs over medically ideal weight. I didnt nag her about it afterwards. I haven't done that for years. But she still holds on to the past resentment about my nagging and pressuring her about it.

40% of the things she blames me for, I stopped doing 5 years ago. another 40% were never true in the first place, they were only in her head. [eg: "you're LOOKING AT ME BADLY!!" when I wasnt even focused on her, but behind her or something]
And/or, i'm sooo horrible for behaviors, that she also does to me. But somehow she's never at fault, or needs to change in any way.

The other 20%... well, i'm not perfect, but I'm still willing to work on it.

Everything is also always my fault. I'M the reason she was miserable and stuck at home. It apparently had nothing to do with HER choice, to be a stay-at-home mother for our children.



I've been cycling on, "why the heck am I trying to reconcile with this miserably selfish woman, when there are others out there who actually understand the meaning of words like faithfulness, honesty, and commitment?"
Been scanning through online dating sites, as a bit of an ego booster, to see how many "good women" there are out there for me.
There are actually quite a few. Within 10 miles of me, even. Some of them, I think I would be very attracted to, if I ever met them in real life. Which, unfortunately, both makes me feel good, but also makes it much more difficult to "stand" for this ungrateful, selfish, lying woman.


God says I should love her anyway. And even beyond that, I try to think of what it would do to our children, if I gave up on her, divorced her, and went the selfish route of finding someone easier to be partnered with. Lord, give me the patience and love to continue.

The wierd thing is.. to most everyone else, she is a very giving and considerate person. But she treats her husband like she treats herself. No rest, no break, no consideration. To have her treat me by "love others as you love yourself", is unfortunately NOT an advantage, in our situation.

PS: when I was talking to a professional councellor, he said that you have to be really careful about "move back in" rules, after separation. he said you have to get them to agree to commit to working on things before moving back in. Otherwise they tend to bounce out again, just like what happened to you