I understand the hurt and the anger. Weekends are the hardest for me too b/c he's here mostly. We don't see him much during the week (I have a D15 and a D12). Today was a tough one for me and I'm just sitting here stewing in my own juices for a bit.
I hope my prodding you does help (and if it doesn't by all means tell me to back off), I know I need it sometimes. It's too easy to get caught up in emotions and not think.
Granted he can't make you feel better (only you can do that), but re-framing some of this might help. For example recently my H called to say he wouldn't be home one night (was spending in with a male friend). I don't need to tell you where I went with all that. Bottom line was that Fixer (another poster here) told me to look at is as my H getting some much needed rest (we live quite a ways from his job). Believe it or not it helped me look at it from a different angle. Sometimes that's all I need, I just can't always do it by myself.
Quote:
but as it is I am the one who has to make the choice.
Try to look at it more like you GET to make the choice. I can't imagine how soul wrenching this is for you, but I am here to listen.
Thank you Grace, and the prodding does help. I am not familiar with your story. Are you and your husband separated? I think weekends are the toughest times and especially Sunday. I found out today that the OW filed for a divorce 2 mths. ago. I feel sorry for her husband, but I think they are still together despite the situation. What a mess. Thanks for your help Grace. Love, Violets
I think this links you to my threads. I don't post on my own often.
My H and I are still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bad. He made it clear he wanted a D and to "go be happy and have other R's up to and including falling in love". We haven't talked about any of this since February. That was when he told our D12 that we were going to live together as a family and that nothing was going to happen (him leaving) without us first talking to them. I expected him to tell her that night that he wanted to D, didn't love Mom etc. Real surprise.
I don't know where I am in all of this except that it is my decision to GAL for myself and raise our D's. I have no interest in anyone else and it is my intention to become the best expression of me.
I'm better today Grace. I hope you are doing well. H. has been home for a couple of days and we have been talking more. I finally realized that being so angry was hurting me more than anyone else, I am just more sad than anything. I'm trying however to weigh the different possibilities and I have decided that anything I choose is going to be difficult. I really don't want a divorce, but I am just going through the motions right now. I am trying to keep busy and not think too much about what happened. H. seems to be trying really hard to make things right, but it is going to take a long time. It sounds like your husband really doesn't want to leave home. I never realized so many people were going through these situations before. I also feel for everyone on this board and wish everyone was at peace and happy in their marriages. You are a sweetheart. Love, Violets
I really don't want a divorce, but I am just going through the motions right now. I am trying to keep busy and not think too much about what happened. H. seems to be trying really hard to make things right, but it is going to take a long time.
You've been hurt in the most devestating of ways. It will take time. If he is truly sincere what have you got to lose by working it? Look at it another way, if you were to get a D, you'd have all this baggage to take with you into another (if you chose at some point) R. If you're going to do that much work why not do it with this M? I (unfortunately) don't have a crystal ball to tell you what's best for you. I do believe you will make your own best choice.
I appreciate you kind words and the encouragement that my H doesn't want to leave. Up to the time he takes that card off the table though, I have to respond accordingly. That just means DBing my butt off and GAL.
I don't remember if you said or not, but are the two of you seeing a C (either together or seperately)? Personally I talk with a DB coach (H at least had his own C and isn't interested in a MC) and I find it really helpful. Just a thought.
Yes Grace, both of us are seeing separate C. and I think it is helping however slowly it seems. I see mine tomorrow at 9:00. She has recommended reading the books and I bought the D.R. It is difficult to digest it just now. I am cautiously hopeful today. Some days are beginning to be better although it is always in the back of my mind. God bless you Grace
Sadly, all this takes time. Glad to hear you see your C today. It's good to have someone to talk to that can help. The books can be daunting esp. with so much running through your mind. I've gotten into the habit of walking, it really helps me clear my mind and be able to think. I may have a big decision oing up about a job offer, so I'll need my wits about me.
I have some days that are much better and some where I slip and fall. I find I can get up a little faster now though. You know back burner is always better than boiling over on the front one.
Thanks Grace and IMP for the encouragement, it really does help. I did not go to the C. today because I thought I could get by until next week since I had such a good day yesterday. Big mistake. I won't see her until next Fri., but I am going to make sure I keep the appt. I love this painting; http://www.nga.gov/exhibitions/caravbr-2.htm I wish I could live up to the ideal of forgiveness and humility. It is so difficult and sometimes I don't want to try and want to feel sorry for myself. Thanks for listening. Love, Violets
He made it clear he wanted a D and to "go be happy and have other R's up to and including falling in love".