I called my husband today. It was a good conversation.
Much was said, but the thing that has me worried and upset, is that I told him that I didn't know how to act with him.
He said for me to be myself.
I said If I was being myself, I'd be holding him, touching him and kissing him, and I didn't know how he'd respond to that, but I had the feeling he wasn't ready for it.
He said I could kiss him and hug him, but that he wasn't ready to make out.
I asked him if it was because I'm overwieght.
He said "No."
I asked if it was because of someone else. (Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to do that. Sigh.)
He said "No."
I asked if he was mad at me. (I meant for asking previous, and I think he understood that that is what I was asking, but now, in retrospect, I'm not sure.)
He said "No."
I told him that I was scared that it meant that there was something wrong with us.
He said he was too. He said he didn't understand it and was confused and didn't know why he felt that way.
So, what do I do now?
Do, I start touching him, hugging him and kiss him occasionally? (not making out, just a single kiss.)
Is this one of those areas in which I have to 'experiment'?
I told him that I was afraid that this meant that there was something wrong with us. That it was something irreparable.
He said, "Nothing is irrepairable."
I've been so stiff and formal around him. Have held back and not touched him. I was doing what was a 180 for me. Doing what I thought he was comfortable with.
The funny thing is, I was stiff and trying to bowl his way, and did terrible. The minute I relaxed and went back to bowling the way I was comfortable with, I broke 100.
I'm afraid that if I open the gate and start being myself, that the flood will start, and I will get so emotional that I won't be DBing effectively anymore.
What I've done so far has gotten some positive results. He's gone from "I love you, but can't be around you." to "I love you." and "Darling". and enjoying dates with me.
So, I'm a bit scared to change what's been working. But, a part of me craves physical touch. That's my love language..and I just want him to hold me.
Arghhhh...
I'm confused and distressed and not sure what this all means.
