I was happy before I met her. She added to my happiness. Then I lost track, became subservient, a wuss. My happiness could only happen if I knew she was happy..., and later, if I knew my kids were happy.
Ahhh, a death spiral if your not careful. Selflessness seems like the most admirable, stand up way to go. As if giving up all of ourselves so that others can be happy is the best course of action. Don't get me wrong, I believe in giving as much as I can - but only after I have secured by own happiness, plans, and dreams - and then lead others (my family) to mine and their goals. Sometimes they might not want to come along but staying true and secure in yourself is vital.
I would have said the same thing - that before I met my W I was happy and that in some way when we wed, that she "completed" some part of me. But the danger I see is that we complete some part of us that is weak and needy - and in time, that can spiral downward because you need to keep feeding that neediness and the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets. And regarding the kids, all you have to do is watch a show like "Supernanny" and see these kids that are out of control because their parents have sought every way to keep the kids happy - and we all (that have kids) know how that hunger grows as well.
Point is I guess, leadership isn't about surpressing people and it certainly isn't about being a needy wuss. It is about living a life of example, that other's want to follow. That is confident and attractive - ala GAL. And sometimes it's acceptance that some folks just don't want to be part of the ride - at any particular time, because of their own issues and quirks. But, that is okay - there will be other stops along the way, and opportunities for people to come back on board.
That said, how do you do that and still demonstrate "pure love". Tough one to answer, but I'll say this, drawing from my own sitch. Shortly after we separated, I realised that I just received "my" life back - forced upon me by the separation. Well, reality of it was, it took a couple months for me to realise that it wasn't the life I wanted. So one by one, I started breaking down all the things - and I mean ALL the things I didn't "like" about my life. I carved out needs (mental/emotional needs) and converted them to "wants". I wrote a personal mission statement and started living it. It took about 6 months or so for it to "stick" and for others (wife, children, parents, and friends) to follow. Mostly because 1) they hadn't seen me like this in a long time 2) weren't sure if the "new me" was real and perhaps 3) they almost "feared" the changes - they were such a 180 from the previous me.
And through that, the one favorite nugget of advice given came from JustMe on this board... He essentially said "...I think your sitch needs the tincture of time" I'll never forget that because it was at that moment that I really came to realise that I will be okay. Time heals.
Anyway, this is perhaps a rambling rant, but I'm writing it for me as well. Two years ago yesterday was the bomb. And this year I am updating my personal mission statment, writing NUT's, and living my life better than the 40 or so before it. 'Cause it's mine.
Hang in there tyler.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
