WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[waw1978]

Journaling:

The last couple of nights have been somewhat lonely for me. When I do not have D4 I have been staying at my Mom’s and there is not much to do there. My girlfriends met for coffee on Wednesday night at an outdoor café. For the first time in years I was able to spur of the moment say “Sure, be right there”. Needless to say we were all tickled that I could make it without 3 weeks advance notice to the H. I kid you not. It used to take me mentioning it repeatedly to soften him up. Then I would still get the stinkeye from him for days after the outing. This was a real eye opener. How could I have put up with that for so long?

It turned out to be a great night. Had some espressos and dessert and then headed home to my Mom’s. I was extremely thankful for having something different to do. I guess this is part of me GAL’ing.

Last night was a different story. Again, not my night with D4. It was H’s turn and he said he was taking her to the movies right after he got home from work. I thought they would be at their movie when I would normally arrive home so I didn’t plan on stopping at home before I went to my Mom’s. I get a call from H wanting to know where I was and why I hadn’t stopped at home. I explained I didn’t go to the house because I didn’t think D4 would be there and what was the point of driving 40 minutes out of my way? Turns out they didn't end up going to the movie afterall. Then he didn't think it was a good idea to let D4 talk to me on the phone. SO I just said fine whatever. Tomorrow is my night so I guess I will just see her/talk to her then. Needless to say I didn’t like him checking up on me and felt that this was again an intrusion on my personal freedoms. As far as not letting me talk to D4, I hope this is not a preview of how our interactions regarding her will be.

My depression has become a real problem mostly due to the turbulent MC session last week where we confronted his belief that I am bad mother & the lack of physical relationhip. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I get more hopeless every day. Last night’s call from H just pushed me further away. We have MC tomorrow and honestly I don’t know if I want to continue. I have been despondent since last weeks MC session and am really afraid of how awful tomorrow will be. I know I should keep going to the sessions but it seems that I am getting more hurt during the process. I wonder if we should stop until I feel ready to continue. Any thoughts? I really like the MC so that’s not the issue and he is very supportive of H & I trying to find common ground and balance.

On a positive note tonight is my weekend night with D4. Think we will go to her favorite restaurant and then hit the craft store so we can do a project together when we get home. Weird but now I only get to see her every other or every second night I feel like our time together has to be more productive than just hanging out at homr together.