FLTC: from Iraq

[FLTC]

It’s been some time since I have been here. The names have really changed. For those of you who had been following my saga, I’ve been separated from my wife since last September, and since late November have been preparing to deploy to Iraq as a reservist. Training and lack of a computer kept me from posting as often as I’d like.

Well, I’ve been in Iraq for about 10 days now. It’s a meaningful job with a lot of opportunity to positively impact soldiers, so my mind has been focused mostly on my job here, and very little thought has been focused on my W or our situation. I won’t go through all of the gruesome details of how we became separated, but it’s been 10 months….6 of which I have been away from home gearing for Iraq. Truth be known, I volunteered to come here so that I could get my mind off of the separation…It was my way of really “GAL”, and it has worked pretty well. I was really in the doldrums. I was living 5 miles away from my house in a one room garage apartment with no stove. Unbelievably depressing. I went to work, and every other day, visited my kids and cooked dinner for them while. W. stayed at work or went somewhere else. It was awful. IT was awkward, depressing and sad for all (except W.) Since I left, I feel a lot better emotionally, and feel great about the soldiers I work with and the importance of what we do ( put your personal feelings about the war aside. I have. We’re here for each other…that’s it).

I’ll be here for one year, with my official start date being around August 8th.

There has been little contact with W. I will email her and my daughter who is still at home regularly. She never really responds. I did call home for the first time this week since I got out of Kuwait and into Iraq. She was pleasant and actually did some talking. Those of you who kept up with my saga, remember that my W. could blow up at any time for any reason. Not finding a hockey jersey to me putting a utensil in the wrong drawer after I stayed with the kids during the week.

There has been no hint of any kind on her part that she may consider reconciliation. You may recall my oldest daughter is at a school in Utah because she was so out of control at home. She is still there. Seven months now.

I cannot get beyond how awkward it is to even speak to W. much less consider how it would be when I went home. It’s over a year until I get back to the States, and I expect nothing to change. I have not been Dbing at all, and she has not been writing at all. I’m pretty detached because of my total removal from the environment. Certainly “escapism” , and I’ll have to face the inevitable when I return. D16 is coming home from her school in Utah. She, W., D14, S9 are driving to FIL’s house at the beach for D16’s birthday. Before I left, W. seemed to be having an emotional affair with her boss, who seems happily married and is about 65. W. is 48. He “validates” her importance……….. I miss my kids…..That’s about it. I have little hope at this point.Whatever…….

I’d like to hear from some of my old friend when you get a second.

[catfan]

Hey FLTC it's great to hear from you! I've been wondering if you had deployed or not.

My situation is as up and down as it has always been but as I look back over the last 6 months it has slowly improved. We've had a few false starts on working on our friendship and those false starts were mainly my fault. But I think I finally have it squared away.

Where we go from here is anyone's guess but it does seem like she's at least ever so slightly leaning towards reconciliation. She's not leaning divorce but is still in the middle of the road.

You can catch up on my latest updates here, Catfan's latest update. Actually hit page 7 for the big latest update.

Be safe my friend, may God be with you and you and your men are in my prayers!

[FLTC]

CF,

I'm happy for you. No backward sliding is a good thing and glacial forward progress is a great thing! Have you been working on your alpha male skills? Let me know how that is going. I am distracted but still continue to be sad for our situation and my kids future. I will not be the one to put a whole in their heart that will never heal for the rest of their lives. Things are going well here......mortar attacks aside!

[catfan]

Yes still doing a lot of work on myself, especially now that I am once again unemployed. Yes one of the challenges of working in high tech startups is opportunities may not always pan out as expected. My opportunity didn't and 4 weeks ago today I got laid off. I'm not really upset by it because once there and settled I really didn't believe in the business. They'll do fine but it just wasn't my cup of tea.

As for alpha male, working on that along with trying to be a lot more of a patient and understanding person and less of the "my way or the highway' attitude. I was never real bad at that but I can do a lot better. Also working on just letting go and letting her have her own life. Ultimately the fact that we didn't have our own lives was probably the biggest factor in her extreme unhappiness. Her seeing and feeling my support for her is helping her and I hope will help us as well. But I have to be very careful about it so I don't seem controlling or smothering. So a real balancing act to say the least.

[built4speed]

Hey, good to hear from you, and I owe you a beer when you get back for helping with the war.

My sitch is terminal, the legal details almost worked out and me due to move out by the end of the month. I am basically an emotional basket case, just sort of stepping through each day. I was okay until a few days ago when I almost put an offer on a house, I just crumbled a bit, since to me moving really means the destruction of my family. Not my best week.

I hope your "extreme GAL" works out. I realize there appears to be no hope, but you never know what can happen! A year is a long time, use it!

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Looks like you are no the best track you can take at this time.
Wish the best for you and your Soldiers, your family and may the bad guys dine on broken glass

Be aware customs the locals engage in that would never pass muster here are commonplace incountry. I still believe Domician Cigars are better than Cubans.

[marshall1982]

I don't know you, but I do sympathize. I'm actually joining the USAF as soon as my tendinitis heals. I'm trying to be a Pararescue Apprentice which is kind of like a Green Beret of the Army or Navy Seal of the Navy. I've been separated from my wife for 2 months now and she is already with another guy. She's in the Air Force studying to be a Korean linguist and the other guy is her classmate. She is clearly in violation of the UCMJ, but I am on the fence about actually bringing it to her 1st SGT. I still love her. I feel like going into the Pararescue training pipeline will definitely get my mind off of our marriage failing and regardless of her coming around or not... it will help me become stronger as an individual. She hasn't filed and we don't even talk about divorce now. It's been strictly business. Anyway... I hope all goes well for you and best of luck in Iraq.

[Tamashii]

FLTC,

First may I say God Bless for your service! I'm a Viet Nam Era Marine, and I appreciate and admire you for what you are doing for our beloved country.

I haven't read your story. May I ask:

How old are you? (People may think this is funny, but my BIL is over there and he's 53. An AF reservist.)

How old is your wife?

I have not had contact with my wife for a year, and haven't seen her for 1 1/2 years.

Your story of your W blowing up at you struck a chord with me.

My W was either 'off' or on full afterburner. Before Hallowe'en I scared my little niece with a mask. My W jumped up and started screaming and calling me every name in the book. She would've embarassed a platoon of grunts! A little later my BIL took me aside and said, "I did the same thing yesterday. She didn't say a word to me."

This year that you are deployed can work in your favor. You can change, and Algebraic Law dictates that when one side of an equation changes, the equation changes! You can get this equation to change!

First, back off of the R talk. People who are chased tend to run faster. Don't bring it up unless she does, then you just listen and agree. "Yes, I guess you're right, my mother DOES wear Army boots!" Of course it isn't true, but it isn't important that you be right. It's important that you listen and affirm. Don't defend yourself. Once again, it isn't important that you be right at this point. Your purpose is to let her vent and to realize you're LISTENING to her. We men don't listen. Don't try to fix the problem, just empathize. Suppose she says: "That day at the BBQ when you (whatever)..." You say,"Yes, I can see where that would be very upsetting to you" Don't go into "gee I'm sorry, blah, blah." That's defending yourself. You want to create a safe environment for her to talk to you, and it will take time.
If you write her a lot(we wrote letters. I guess you guys got email...pansies! :-)), back off on how often you write. Write more sporatically, in other words, not every Monday or whatever. Mix it up a bit. Make her guess a bit and wonder. When you DO write, make sure your letters are always upbeat, no R talk, no ILYs, and talk of something genuine and AFFIRM her. For example: "The guys in the squad were sitting around having a beer and Joe showed us a picture of his kids. It made me smile and think of what a great mother you are." Short and sweet. Tell her good things, and I know you guys do lots of good things. Don't make the letters long. You may want to pour your heart out, but don't. Do that in your jounal or here on the board. Or email me and vent [e-mail]. From here on in she only hears upbeat, affirming things from you. You must put your feelings aside and let your rational mind guide you.
The last thing for this time: 48 hour rule. If she writes something that ticks you off, WAIT 48 HOURS before you respond. You may want to cuss her out now, but in two days you'll feel differently. Your barometer is always " will it bring me closer to my goal?" Your goal is to save your marriage, and cussing her out may make you feel macho for a few minutes, but it will take you farther from your goal.
Beware of well meaning friends and family. Your buddies love you. They don't want you to hurt, so they may say things that they think will help that really won't: "Aw man, let her go. There's a million fish in the sea, blah blah, blah." It's YOUR marriage, YOUR problem. Listen to your heart. I had to tell my family to support me or shut up. I don't hear from them much. :-)
That's where you can start. The first chapter of Divorce Remedy is on this board. Read it, then buy the book. If you're short of funds, send me your address and I'll send it to you. It will give you a sense of direction and hope.

Tell all the guys I said hello. If anybody wants a pen pal,there's my email.

May the Lord watch over you and keep you safe.


David

[Mark_in_Pa]

Hey FLTC

I’m glad you are doing OK in Iraq. I have a sister that’s in Baghdad. She’s a civilian, there for the money. She has been there for 3 months and has been through some mortar attacks. She has thrown herself into her work there to take her mind off the living conditions.

I hope the Utah school is helping your daughter; I had a delinquent stage in my teens. I think a change of scenery would have got me through it quicker. I certainly do not think it will hurt her.

I’m sorry that there is no indication of your wife wanting to reconcile.

My wife and I are still back together. It has been over 4 months now since we reconciled. I still does not feel quite right to me. My wife has never really apologized for her part in our difficulties. I know from reading here not to expect one, but I still think about it. Her drinking is substantially less than what it was, but she continues to take prescription meds and I fear she is addicted to them. So life is not perfect, but overall it has been better than 6 months ago.

I want to thank you FLTC for all the advice you gave me during my difficult times. I have seen a psychologist for several months now and I don’t think I have gotten anywhere near the good advice and comforting words that I received from you and others here. So again thank you very much.

I wish you all the best.

Mark

[FLTC]

Hey Guys,

Thanks for responding and checking in on me. My days are 18 hours, seven days a week. I can’t get into a lot of detail about my job, but it is super challenging and rewarding. I am part of my own “Band of Brothers” and not everyone in every generation gets to be tested under these conditions, and I’m honored and humbled to be among the company of heroes: our kids who go out on the gun trucks every night, knowing it could be their last days on the planet. The “Greatest Generation” has nothing on these kids. I say kids, because I’ll be 52 in September, and most of the kids on the convoys are 19-25.

Tashimii: Thanks for the time you put into your response. You’re right, a lot can happen in a year. I just don’t know how any person with certain exceptions can divorce another person, and throw their former love over a cliff, and rip the hearts out of three kids. I still think that all the hype about kids “adjusting” is bullsh&*. There’s not a single couple on my block who are divorced. How do you think that will make my kids feel? My wife is super smart, but is able to “intellectualize” each and every reason for separating. The “D” word has not been mentioned, but why should it…I send home all my money to include combat pay and separation pay so that she and the kids will not have to struggle. I’m starting a savings deposit plan here very soon however. I’m not up for going back to Maury’s garage apartment when I return home.

Mark: You spoke of the awkwardness that I feel. My W. would dress in the closet, refuse to be in the bedroom if I was there and pile pillows higher than Everest between us. I remember you saying at one time “Why would I (meaning you) want to be with someone so angry.

I hope that T2 is right that maybe a year will give W. to see other options other than D. Who knows? She’s so insecure and could never admit that maybe reconciliation is best.

Please write back, guys. I read even if I don’t have the time to write. Your support is great!

Here’s an article about what my unit does if you’re interested.

Convoys feed ravenous force
David Wood


The Baltimore Sun

Jun 05, 2007

CAMP ANACONDA, Iraq -- The freight convoy known as Dagger Three Seven snakes around the huge concrete barriers, blast walls and razor wire at the north gate and lurches out into Iraq, onto a two-lane road curving southeast through country known for violence and death.

It's just over 100 degrees, that time of dusk when the failing light and rising dust bathe the landscape in a deepening haze of gray, and the line of two dozen tractor-trailers and armored gun-trucks clanks and growls up toward 25 mph, headlights boring holes into a cloud of its own making.

"Pothole coming up on the right, road patches on the right." The report comes crisply over the intercom from Spc. Francisco B. Fimbres, a 36-year-old from Tucson, Ariz., jumpy from a couple of cans of Monster energy drink, up in his .50-caliber machine gun turret.

"Pothole and patches right -- roger, stay left," responds Sgt. 1st Class Ken Brockman. He reaches across his gun-truck cockpit jammed with electronic gear and flicks a switch to pass word to the convoy he is leading. Behind him, several hundred tons of combat supplies on wheels drifts left and undulates back right, avoiding the potholes and patches that could hold deadly roadside bombs.

Convoys this night are crisscrossing Iraq. They are the lifeblood of the U.S. military presence that daily consumes hundreds of tons of ammunition, water, rations, repair parts, mail, blood, lumber, razor wire, concrete barriers, computer paper, gun barrels, DVDs, toiletries, fuel, candy bars, instruction manuals, fresh lettuce and frozen chicken, all it takes to sustain an army at war.

And because road convoys are the military's lifeblood, they are relentlessly attacked every night, with rifle fire, rocket-propelled grenades, anti-tank pressure mines, anti-personnel mines, bombs made of stacked artillery shells detonated by C-4 explosive, explosive formed projectiles (EFPs), which burn through heavy armor with molten metal, and with "complex attacks" that combine several of these weapons.

The awful toll from this aspect of the war -- the Defense Department will not release the precise number of troops killed on convoy duty -- will continue as long as there is a U.S. military presence here, and as long as the Iraqi military cannot resupply itself.

So soldiers in Baghdad struggle to contain the violence and politicians in Washington debate war strategy, and the convoys go out each night largely unseen, one convoy after another, one night after another. Military technicians feverishly work to devise new gizmos to find and defeat each new variant of attack, and much of the time they are successful. The rest of the time, the burden falls on the soldiers who run security for the convoys, on the military truck drivers and on the $3,000-a-month civilian contract drivers who man the big rigs for KBR Inc.

Here is Army Sgt. Frank Vallejo, a long-haul convoy commander, swarthy and sweaty as he directs the unloading of new armored vehicles that will be used as convoy escorts.

Vallejo's convoy left the Army logistics base at Camp Arifjan, Kuwait, crossed the border into Iraq and almost immediately was attacked with EFPs. He got the line of trucks turned around and herded them back to Arifjan, swapping out the damaged trucks and wounded and frightened drivers, then set off north again into Iraq. Six days later, his convoy rolled into Anaconda, a trip on which he said he logged 1,600 miles.

This night they will load up again, and after a pause of only 12 hours, will set out on the return trip.

The hectic pace is a testament to the shortage of drivers, Vallejo said, squinting in the sun as his trucks are loaded.

"We got trucks. What we don't have is drivers, and we are scraping below the bottom of the barrel."

For short-haul convoys that leave at dusk and return at dawn, the pace is equally hectic.

Each afternoon, the intelligence analysts plot the clusters of roadside bomb detonations and ambushes on their crowded maps and commanders struggle to find safer routes, and the gun-truck crews try to quiet the gut-wrenching fear with sleep during the day. As evening approaches, they strap on body armor and gather in a circle to pray for one more lucky run.

"Blessed be the Lord, our mighty fortress," murmurs Sgt. Brent Robinson, a 25-year-old from Tucson, Ariz. "Blessed be the Lord our strength," he says, as Fimbres sneaks a sip of Monster and Teresa Bovee, an Arizona National Guard sergeant who is the convoy medic, stifles a giggle and jams an elbow into a soldier snickering beside her.

War materiel arrives at this vast American base, the logistics hub for all of Iraq, by air from Europe and the United States, and by truck from Turkey, Jordan and Kuwait, and from here it's sorted, repacked and trucked out to dozens of military outposts and forward operating bases.

Dagger Three Seven is one small spoke in the hub, trucking supplies to a U.S. military camp called Warhorse. Before mounting up, Brockman gathered his soldiers and KBR's seasoned drivers, whose tastes run to beards and bellies. He settles them all with a long, doleful look.

Brockman's father fought in Vietnam, which explains much of the son's determined attention to detail in leading men in combat.

In a quick, businesslike briefing, Brockman runs down the mission: destination and route, recent enemy activity on the route, radio frequencies and call signs, ambush procedures and casualty evacuation procedures.

"If you see something, please don't hesitate to call," Brockman says. "If kids climb up on your trailer, call us and we'll send a gun-truck up and clean 'em off."

Deep into the night, Fimbres is sweeping houses and the roadside with spotlights sent from Sun City, Ariz., by Maxine Duprey, Brockman's grandmother. Her lights are mounted on the hood of Brockman's gun-truck, a heavily armored Humvee loaded with electronic gadgets to help track the convoy and to jam or otherwise defeat remotely detonated improvised explosive devices, or IEDs.

Other IEDs are more difficult to defeat because they are set off by wire or the pressure of a truck wheel. And while the military has technological tricks to deal with these, there is no substitute for vigilance.

"Plastic bag, left side -- clear!" Fimbres has spotted a potential IED, scanned it for telltale protruding wires and found none. "Plastic bag clear," Brockman echoes.

When the convoy approaches a long pontoon bridge, Brockman's gun-truck leaps ahead into a blocking position to deter any oncoming traffic. Up in his turret, Fimbres scans the tree line while Brockman watches intently as one truck after another lumbers across.

This kind of experience, which brings Brockman's convoy safely out and back, is gained through long, nerve-jangling nights and days spent studying convoys that were hit: was it bad luck or some small human error?

The more convoys they run, they say, the better they get at it. But there's a catch.

"Our op-tempo is what bothers me now," says Lt. Col. Matthew Parsley, who commands Brockman's parent battalion, a National Guard unit out of Nebraska. The risk that comes with experience, Parsley says, "is that people get complacent. People get sleepy." Yet the pace, driven by the demand, is relentless.

"They are not machines," Parsley says about his soldiers. "I wish we could get some relief."
http://www.veteransforamerica.org/index.cfm/Page/Article/ID/9655