Well i knew my thread had locked but was waiting for something new & exciting to write about & for some reason I've the feeling here lately that H might be doing some seriuos thinking after I told him last week to hurry up & file before the agreement expire AGAIN. Even though D was not what I truly wanted I was getting to the point of givng up hope & detaching so well that I felt I was ready to move forward w/out him.
Ofcoarse all of this is easier said than done especially when he is no longer living w/ me. I really knew just how I felt last night when H & I were talking via IM. OFF SUBJETC BTW- how does one validate when most of your convos r via IM? I can understand when talking face to face & saying I hear you & you repeat it back,but what does one do when your READING the words?
Anywho, After he says he will not come over lastnight to see the girls b/c he does not feel well & explains he has had a headache all day & promblems w/ his blood pressure. I was worried for him b/c I knew he had driven the motorcycle to work. He says we have to talk. He has only said this now for the second time since 9 months ago. He hates to talk about our stich. Says allthis worrying about the house being behind and everything else (meaning us). I think Ow might be presuring him also(not for sure) to get the D. He asked if I wanted him to file. I said that he always says I have not changed and things will never be the same & I can't change his mind. I said your in love w/ soemone else & we can no longer be. He said no not completely??WTH? So he does not love her fully?? YEah right. He said he wants his kids. I told him he will see them on his visitations. H- Well fine is that what you want? We kept back & forth what do YOU want? Like he wants ME to make his descion. Then he said I want what is best for my kids. I asked do you still have feelings for me? He said I still care for you. I felt like calling him a PIG right there and then & saying so I am good enough to try & FU**,but you only CARE FOR ME!! I didn't though!
So it sounds like to me he only wants to be back for the kids....:( In one way I looked at this as a baby step b/c he no longer says the kids will be fine no matter what,but in the other sense I don't want him back for all the wrong reasons. I can also look at it in another way- if he is back it will give me a chance to DB & to fill his love tank!! Everyone here is always saying that it takes time for their love for us to come back fully & we have to show them the way.
Guys, I need your awesome advice here!! I honestly thought I was getting over him until this. I felt that knife jab in my heart AGAIN like the first time of the bomb!!!
I can see how this lifestyle is really taking a toll on his health. H was always very healthy & will not se the doc for anthing & now he has been to the ER (sent form his work) & he will be seeing the doc next week. I hope he is seeing what I had told him long ago that his promblem will not go away just b/c he gets another woman. His promblems will follow him wherever he new address is.
He talked to the girls for a while & then said he would be by tomorrow & will cont our talk. Last time we had a R talk he did not want to continue it any longer b/c he said it hurts too much to talk about.
