She's back.... but still with him

[HopeFilled]

I want to thank you guys for the advice! I have certainly been on a rollercoaster over the last few weeks... and just when I think it's coming to a stop the turns get faster.

Well, since I last posted... I put a lot of thought into who I am and what I'm doing. Throughout this whole thing I've tried to be filled with hope and tried to leave that with her. After the last problems... I decided to give her another chance, hoping to get her away from the OM and on with dealing with our issues. I laid out a plan, where she could stay at our house to work things out... but that she would need to take action in stopping the affair. I encouraged her to change her number, come up with a list of friends she could rely on during the tough times, etc.

She ended up deciding to stay elsewhere... saying that she really wanted to work things out before coming back. That sounded like a good idea and things seemed to be going pretty well... and who knows maybe they are-- but I've developed a sixth sense about these things after sifting through the lies so many times and I've started to feel that she's not being genuine about trying. To start, we talk less now then when she was "having the affair." She says she staying with a family who are friends of her family... but I drove by their house (probably shouldn't have, but I needed reassurance that she was being truthful) and her car wasn't there.

Now I'm at a point, where I obviously still want to save my marriage... but if she is continuing to lie to me-- I feel I have no option but to stand up for myself and respect what I believe in. I believe in truthfulness and fidelity. I believe that I've given everything I can and need to find someone who can see all of the qualities that I bring to the table.

It's tricky right now, because I've been trying to give her the space I thought she needed to decide it was the marriage that she wanted. If she's being truthful, I could damage the progress we've made so far. Still I feel like I need to know the truth--whether she's being truthful or not for sure-- so that I can take action and move on with my life. If she's being truthful, then maybe this marriage can be saved. If she's not, then I feel like I've got to move on.

It's scary for me to say that... because it sounds like I'm the one who wants the divorce now. How did that happen?