Mixed Signals - the roller coaster edition

[789]

I agree that opening up helps tremendously, my wife is still in the not going to tell you crap mode, but being here, reading and learning, I realize this is something she needs to go through and with time may be willing to open up and let me in. I may be old, but I can outlast her and wait.

[JR2007]

I take nothing but positives out of that. The fact that she opened up like that is great.

Is Catfan's wife a WAW? Now I'm curious about all of our wives (that aren't in MLC)

I know it's rare for a wife to come back to a marriage, but how many of them have husbands who care enough to go work on themselves? Do you know how rare that is? Think about the crappy advice you're getting from people who don't get why you're working so hard to save your marriage? What % of guys will go through this to save the M? Don't you think most guys would just say, "screw her" and move on to the next woman? Isn't that what society says to do? Society tells us Divorce is OK!

If every guy who is facing a WAW was on here, or a similar site, WORKING on themselves, working to save the M, how many more women would come back? I think the % would go up significantly, don't you?

[JR2007]

I dunno JR. I was a WAH and I couldn't get that divorce done fast enough. Nothing she said or did could convince me not to end it.

Of course, she changed nothing so there was that. I did go back after my A failed but it was still horrible and 5 months later my current W put the move on me.

I know exactly what you're talking about there. SO, if things had changed, if she had been different, or better, or whatever you needed, would you have stayed? MAYBE not, but the likelihood would have been much higher, right? At least you went back for the one last chance even though it didn't work out. so when you did leave for good, it was for sure, and you knew it was over, no second-guessing.

What if your wife came back right now for the one last chance. What would she see? The same old Jazz? NOPE! She'd see the opportunity for the things she's always wanted in her M and WHOA! She doesn't have to get divorced and start over to get it. that is the key to Michelle's article for both parties. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! Get rid of the crappy parts of your old relationship, but save the marriage and family and the good stuff. It is all possible with positive change!

[JR2007]

I know, I was just saying "what if."

you don't like what you see about what? you or your wife?

your wife isn't your wife right now, correct? you may not like it. When she comes out of it, you'll recognize her again.

I see my wife, I'm shocked by the way she's acting, but that's just because she was so mild before. She is really feeling the anger and pain, and hopefully working through it, but it is a shock.

[JR2007]

Yes, your W is angry. She will hold onto that anger for a very long time. Possibly years. But there will come a day that she lets it go.

You may not still be interested at that point though.

well, it depends on how strongly she pushes the divorce. If it takes her that much time to work things out but she doesn't throw away her family over it, I'll be here! If she throws away her family because of her anger, there's nothing I can do about that. That will be the saddest day of my young life.

catfan, if you're around, sorry for the hijack...

[catfan]

Well to answer the question about my wife, yes she is a walk away wife. She told me "I love you but I am not in love with you" then proceeded to see how fast she could escape by getting a lawyer and wanting to file for divorce immediately. Thankfully NC has a 1 year and 1 day waiting period after you physically separate and live apart. That waiting period has been a Godsend in many regards because it's like a forced legal period where we can go work on ourselves before we make a rash decision. She was making rash decisions back in the fall and I think right now she's regretting them a little.

For us I think an important thing that's gotten us this far is that we both recognized we had a lot of work we had to do on ourselves and we've been doing it. Now we have to show it and recognize it in each other.

[Dom R]

quick interjection:

ILYBNILWY is not the definition of a walkaway wife. It is most commonly used by someone who has decided to have an affair, and justifies it by, "i'm no longer 'in love' with my spouse".

[catfan]

Those were her exact words one night as we settle down to do to sleep in early October 2006. Without going into great detail she had spent the better part of the previous year trying to speak my love language to get me to fall back in love with her and to spark our stale marriage. I did fall back madly in love with her but I was also very insecure and began to really smother her. She felt trapped by this and the fact that she had no sense of self. If you really read about WAWs she's a classic example of one.

She's come a long, long way in the last 9 months, shoot we both have and no there isn't an affair.

[Dom R]

i'm not saying that there is an affair. I'm just trying to point out to the casual reader, that
"wife saying ILYBINILWY" is NOT the same thing as "wife is a walk-away wife"

(i also find your description kinda odd, since usually, WAW is along the lines of,
"wife tries to change marriage... FAILS... goes into defensive mode, then gives up on marriage and plans for silent 'exit', after some amount of time, or specific event happens"

(such as children growing up, or graduation from school, or...)



whereas you described... "wife tries to change marriage.. SUCCEEDS but then didnt like what she got out of the change".

ALSO.. the whole "I feel trapped.. I have no sense of self", is actually closer to describing MLC, then WAW.

MLC is about them. WAW is about you.


Not that every leaving spouse HAS to be either WAW or MLC.