YOU ARE A FANTASTIC PERSON! Don't ever forget that. You have all of those friends because of it. It's wonderful you have such a large group of close friends. They are our angels.
I don't know what I would do without my friends right now. They have been so supportive of me. I believe my H is jealous. He asked one of our friend the other day to stop by his shop/home to drink a beer. Our friend told his wife (another dear friend) he didn't go over there because he had no desire to. The next day my H called the friend and asked him if he was mad at him. Awww poor pitiful him. Our friends think he has lost his mind and is being an arrogant jackass. I have not asked them to take sides, but they are so put out with him.
The party this weekend sounds great. I'm up for the towel boys, but I think they must also provide the entertainment. Any takers guys?
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I'll be there. Mind you, I'm very high maintenance. I need towel boys, boys to paint my toenails, and some more boys to apply suntan lotion--plus a very well-trained and presentable wait staff to keep the southern comfort flowing....and I wouldn't mind seeing some spandex-clad exotic dancers. Others than these requirements, I'm totally easy-going.
I am in for any girls nite!! I would even do the bikini thing too - now since the DB diet was sooooo successful!
Your H is in la-la land and whatever he says about you has no real validity. He sees you as he wants to - he want to keep his tunnel vision - to admit you have grown and changed means he might have to admit that HE needs some serious changing as well.
You said it yourself - few people have 1 good friend let alone FIVE!!!
If he is the best friend you think he is/was the fear of losing that with you may be enough to lure him back - that was a piece of it for my H. I was telling him how I was house hunting and he replied he'd be there to paint or fix whatever and I ulitmately told he we were not going to have that kind of R - I would be 'friendly' due to our kids - but we WOULD NOT BE FRIENDS - I could not, it would hurt too much....
My week of vacation away with the kids was maybe the best thing that happened in our sitch. He got a real taste of what his life was heading towards - a lot of time alone. His crazy OW started showing more of her true colors and how manipulative she can be. Let your H see the OW for what she truly is - we always want what we can't have - so let him have her. You GAL and starting to move on may be the only thing to lure him back - then the real work begins.
You are doing awesome and like everyone says you will work this out in your own timeframe...
PMA and have an awesome Friday!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
we WOULD NOT BE FRIENDS - I could not, it would hurt too much....
I told my H the exact same thing. It bothered him, but his response was "I understand, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me either". I guess the first step is admitting...it's too bad he can't get to the next step of actually changing. We don't have kids, so I plan on having no contact with by STBXH. I will be friendly if we see each other out, but that's it. It's too bad...he's losing a great W and a good friend. I can't say the same.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Had a great night last night with my girlfriends. Didn't get home until after 12:30 (late for me!).
Am feeling kind of down today. H is gone for the weekend (at least one night w/ow I suspect) and typically would call but, of course, I haven't heard a thing. That can only mean that my suspicions are correct that he is with his ho. Why does it still hurt so much even though I KNOW what is going on? Why does a weekend away hurt so much more than a lunchtime f*@k? This is the first "overnighter" that he's had with her...
I just don't understand how he could look me in the eye and tell me yesterday morning "ILY so much. I'll miss you this weekend" and then go off like he is... Not like I believe any of that ILY stuff any more. How can someone who says they live with the guilt every day not stop doing what is making them feel so guilty? Pleasure over pain I guess...
UGH.. Just venting and looking for answers where there are none.
HB - during our R talk the other night, H said something about how we are "great friends". He does fear losing that through D but can't live without passion/connection like he feels w/ow. He said stuff kind of like your H - bascially saying he would still do "anything" for me - meaning change the oil in my car or fix something on the house. Like you - I wouldn't want him doing any of that stuff. I'll pay for someone to do it or get a friend's H or relative to help. Again - does beign Mr. Fix It help ease the guilt?
1. Decide how long you intend to GAL with no boundaries. I other words, how long will you continue this if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage?
2. You need to decide when to start going dark, being mysterious and less available to him. You need to decide how long you will do GAL + Going Dark if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage.
3. You need to decide when to start adding boundaries. Which ones? No sex? Separate Bedrooms? Hard-core LRT at home? Each of these boundaries is cumulative and added to the next. Each has a time-limit before ramping it up. You need to decide how long you will do GAL + Going Dark + Boundaries if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage.
This full-force implementation will give him a taste for what losing you FEELS like. You are having a great time, are mysterious and intriguing, have withdrawn yourself from him and have set strong personal boundaries if he refuses to stop seeing OW.
4. You need to offer an ultimatum. "End the affair and recommit to our marriage or I will divorce you on the grounds of adultery." Look at Michelle's writings on how to offer an ultimatum. I think he will get the message that the affair will become exposed then.
This is super-hard, but do you want to set dates on a plan like this in intricate detail? You can take up to two weeks to work out your plan and get some feedback from a counselor, from us, and from people you trust.
Theo - I like this approach. How long is appropriate for each phase? Two weeks minimum?? BTW - just last week, my IC said we need to start working on setting up healthy boundaries.. Yah.. No kidding..
Unlike you R, my H and I really didn't ahev much of the freinds thing. That was our boggest prombelm in the M. We argued constanlty. At first I was the passive one for the first two years. Then after that I became just like him (its tru what they say after while it can be catchy). We knew how to push each other's buttons. Resentment came in big time. We no longer knew how to talk w/out fighting. The BIG 180 4 me was that- to stop reacting when he would push my buttons. It was liek he would getoff on upsetting me. So before I kicked him out. I stopped the fighting back. The peace started very well in out home. H even had diminished his cursing around the girls & in general!! Things at home started to change for the better,but the OW would not give up, so I set im free.
So our freindship was not all that, BUT our passion & our lovemaking was ALL that!!! That was one thing H admitted after the bomb. H said we never had a promblem in that department.
Now the latest, last night the girls noticed H had all his clothes from OW's house in his car!!
Like Theo says- set him free!!! It's tru what Dr. Dobson says. Check out his website. He wil see what real life is w/ OW & get sick of it & miss your family home.
