I really do read, re-read and meditate on the words you share.
I just entered this in my journal, "how do I get past my hurt and anger to a place of pure love? How to be loving, kind, considerate and compassionate, without being a doormat? I know it's possible, I've done it and I know it works. Yet I really blew it during this fiasco, I beat her up mentally and emotionally. I unleashed anger and hurt when I should have been silent. How to get there from here. I feel like I'm trying to navigate Nashville using a map of Dallas. I'm all f-d up."
Thank you again guys. Just got back from taking my daughter and her friend to Borders. Fun night out for dorks, LOL. Still for a few hours, I forgot how messed up things are right now and my role in making that happen.
You know the big issue in my IC has been control issues. I have to let go, I really do. I feel it creeping, bubbling up with my kids. My S14 and D12 are growing more independant by the minute, I feel the desire to steer them, tell them what to decide, where to go, who to hang out with. Not in a parenting fashion, in a approved by me fashion. If that makes sense.
I have a lot of personal work to do. The challenge is great. Yet I believe.
Ken Wilber calls it Integrated Life Practice. Everyday, you work on everything, ie; mind/body/soul, in ways that are integrated. Centering prayer, lifting weights, running, dancing, laughing with my kids, it's all part of my Life Practice. Taking me closer to the essence of who I really am.
I was happy before I met her. She added to my happiness. Then I lost track, became subservient, a wuss. My happiness could only happen if I knew she was happy..., and later, if I knew my kids were happy.
I love them all completely, yet my happiness is dependant upon me. I am happy now, my core has always been joyful, easy to laugh and quick to have a good time. My kids add to this, I would prefer that she add to this, but if not, I'll be okay. I'll be happy either way.
