OK. I was talking with a coworker last nite about my sitch and work. He's another that helped me thru this. We talked a bit about our students, I'm an instructor. Specifically students who come from a specific socioeconomic backgroud. Outside of work, I work within this socioeconomic environment. It's dysfunctional to say the least. No dad's, no money, shootings, gangs, etc. And you know what I'm talking about. I've been hammered at work because of these kids having issues with me. Interesting, as I grew up, to a certain degree although not entirely, just like them, minus the gangs and jail and shootings. But maybe I get hammered cause I know where they come from. Cause I will confront them. I will challange thier thought processes, thier antisocial, behavior, etc. Their Expectations. In the end, most of these guys turnaround. And I think it's because, for most of them, it's the first time someone has challenged them to do the right thing, to believe in them, to teach them to believe in themselves, to let them know that they are worth something. I'm telling you this because this is where I think my wife's head, spirit, attitude whatever is also. She's never had someone believe in her, love her, stick out 15 years of hell with her. That again is what I mean by expectations and her upbringing. These concepts are friggin' alien to her environment. They might say it, but they don't believe it. Too many generations of, for a lack of better words, of failure. Why hate me? Cause my sorry a*ss fell into the same trap. That, I think is why she hates me. Her knight in shining armor became just like everybody else she ever knew. I didn't set boundaries, I didn't protect her, I wasn't there for her, I was to busy making a career, I got fat, I got weak, etc. I failed her. (Come on girls, what do you think of that? Is that maybe part of the love that can be lost for your guy?) Yup, I failed her. I became a pansy just like all the other men who have ever been in her life, ex BF, dad, g'pa, brothers, etc. Believe you me, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel that pain, that I can't but hate(?) myself for failing my Eve, my ezer kenegdo.
