NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Thanks everyone for your posts. I'll reply first then do some journaling and I have some questions I'm hoping for some feedback on.

ST
Yeah... I am really struggling with knowing what I need/want to do right now. I'm still doing a lot of thinking about it, but nothing is clicking yet. I kind of agree with Ellie that the separate bedroom thing isn't that great an idea. I think if I make a "small" step as opposed to a big one, it will be something like staying with someone for awhile (or maybe I can house-sit for awhile... I found out a neighbor may need a housesitter for a week, for example).

I completely get your point about influence. Unfortunately I think he's getting a whole day of bad influence every single day at work, between OW and a few of his young, single, party-all-the-time male coworkers. I do think it's a good point though. Definitely part of the decision.

I still need to talk to a L but I think Cali has very similar laws, basically everything's 50/50. You're right I shouldn't let him make me feel guilty, though. I need to figure out how to process those kinds of comments without feeling guilty. (I know that's my thing to figure out).

haha it's funny you said that about the nightmares, I used to do that too - wake up and try to change the ending. It worked sometimes.

I'm not that proud of it but I've just been taking Benadryl to sleep. It knocks me out enough that I don't HAVE dreams, so at least I'm not afraid to go to sleep. I can't keep doing it, but it's helped the last couple of nights.

jak
Thanks for the support and reply. I'll try and stop by your thread soon too.

CM
Thanks for the support.

f21
Thanks so much. You're right, it's sure not easy to focus on this. I am so unclear on what I really want that I don't even know where to start. It's a very weird feeling. I know I need to work on it, though. What do I want? I don't even know! So gotta start there.

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On to some journaling...

I think it's interesting that the thing I've struggled with the most is the point OT made (which was a totally valid point, OT). I had not really looked from an outside perspective at how my actions appeared and the message they sent to H (and to myself, really). I thought I was past some of that low self-esteem, lack of self-respect. I really did, but reading it that way made me realize I'm not past it at all. Time to get back to working on fixing those things. I need to love and respect myself, first and foremost. How to do that? Still figuring it out. But I recognize a lot more clearly now that it's a huge need.

I had a lot of fun yesterday - had a great lunch with a friend I met via meetup and it turned out she works near me. Had dinner with another friend. We went to an introductory dinner for a group that's somewhat similar to meetup. There were 4 of us who went together and another 40 or so people at the dinner. It was lots of fun, and I look forward to going to more events with this group. Definitely a good GALing day!

Kind of funny when I got home, H was out front working in his cutoff shorts and a greasy t-shirt (working on his car so it was "appropriate" clothes). Well, he's never met this friend just because the opportunity's never come up - and last night another friend who was driving was in a hurry so she just dropped me off and they left, so H still didn't meet them. H was really weird about it, kept asking me "So did I embarass you in front of your friends?" several times throughout the night. But the tone was weird - wasn't an "Oh I hope I didn't embarass you" tone, more like an "I hope I did embarass you". I dunno.. trying not to over analyze it and definitely trying not to mind-read, it just really struck me. Maybe because I'd been thinking about the respect thing all day.

I did chores and stuff in the house while H was outside, he asked me to join him a few times but I just didn't want to so I kept doing my thing. It's a small thing but still, yay me...

I am proud of myself today, I finally got the IC scheduled. Her first available appointment wasn't until 8/13, but at least it's something. In the meantime I'll get the boundary book, and try to get clearer on what exactly my IC goals are.

The MC and I are playing phone tag but I left a more detailed message with what time we can get there after work and asking her to just call me back with a date and time, instead of trying to catch each other to schedule. Hopefully that will work.

I also called the L service.. but panicked and hung up. Damn it. I found out I can get unlimited phone help for no fee, and have 30 hours of "face time" per year with an L if I need it. After giving my story I was expecting to make an appointment but then she said "Oh no, I can put you straight through to one of our phone attorneys" - eek! I wasn't ready for that so as I said, I thanked her quickly but panicked and hung up.

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Which leads me to my questions. Can you guys/gals help me get clear on everything I need to ask the L about? Here's what I planned so far:

Basic history:
- Bought house together approx 7.5 years ago. (both names on title and mortgage)
- House appreciated significantly. Now worth approx. 3x what we paid for it. Some due to the market, and some due to "sweat equity." [MC mentioned that H may fight about this saying he did most of the work, but to remember that I supported him, ran to the hardware store, cooked dinner for the guys while they worked.. so I contributed also]
- Married approx 5.5 years ago.
- No kids.
- H salary $X, my salary $Y. My salary is approx 60% of H's.
- Approx equal amounts saved in each of our 401k accounts
- Most non-retirement investments/savings is in my name or joint accounts. H makes most of the house payment, in trade for me making most of the contributions to savings. [this is what we agreed to years ago and H tried to say wasn't true in MC, so this is a potential conflict point too]
- Only debts are my car, and the mortgage.
- H has a lot of assets in vehicles - 2 race cars, 2 classic cars, plus his truck. All but 1 obtained after we married.
- We keep separate checking accounts but we're joint owners on each others' accounts

Is there anything else they'd need to know that I should be prepared to give?

My concerns/questions:
- What are my rights in terms of the home equity?
- What about other significant property (i.e. the value of the cars, investments/non-retirement savings)?
- Anything I need to know about the debt on my car? It's our only debt other than the mortgage.
- Since our 401ks are roughly equal would we each be able to keep our own?
- Should I continue to contribute to my 401k right now? (I think yes as we have a company match but want to make sure)
- Would I be likely to get any spousal support? How much, and for how long?
- Does my partial disability have any impact on anything?
- How do I make sure to protect my rights, especially regarding the house? What do I need to do, or avoid doing?
- If one of us moves out, what are rules on house payments, utilities, etc.?
- What's the difference in CA between a sep and a D?
- H took care of me after I broke my leg. He was able to work during all but 5 weeks of that time. During those weeks he received income from the state family care plan (approx 50% of normal pay). I did not work for those months but my disability pay covered my portion of all the bills. Does this impact anything?

... I'm sure they get these calls all the time and will have more info for me anyway, but any thoughts on things I missed or overlooked??

Thanks all. And so I don't give the wrong impression - I'm not pursuing anything legally, just finding out the rights and rules.