Well it looks like I was over reacting once again. Well at least I am not doing this on a regular basis like the old me.
We sat down last night and I gave her my proposal for our separation agreement. She really didn't argue back on any point but didn't say she was in complete agreement either. She asked to have a few days to process it all then we'll talk again. All in all it was a real good discussion.
Earlier in the day I went to see my counselor for the first time since late March. She and I talked about the situation and she felt it was a little encouraging given how things have progressed since Mother's Day. But she thinks my wife is using me as a "safety net" or "keeping me in her back pocket". I was not convinced that is the case but I listened carefully. In the end her advice was to focus on being the best parent I could be, focus on me and limit any interaction to the kids or absolutely necessary business. Her reason was to give my wife the space to feel a loss, to feel a want or desire for interaction etc. Basically to lovingly detach and go dark.
So after my wife and I got through the discussion about the separation agreement I brought up us. For the first hour I did a lot of talking and she did most of it for the next hour. I wish I could recall every word of it but the end result was both of us feeling a lot better about ourselves, our family, our future and our relationship. What I found almost shocking was she reveal she finally understood how I never could understand her when she would say "I'm not happy". She finally realized how vague that was and how all my actions since Nov 05 to today where me attempting to help her and us. She finally verbalized her feelings by telling me how she lost any sense of her "self", how she felt like a failure as a mother, a wife and at work. She also felt very smothered by me and our relationship because we spent all of our time together. (Remember we lived abroad, worked together, had few friends and no outside hobbies.) There was only an us and not me, her and us. You could say we were like two circles that completely overlapped each other so there wasn't two circles that slightly overlapped but just one. In a healthy relationship the circles would overlap a lot like the Mastercard logo. Two individuals that also are connected enough to make one but maintain their sense of self.
So for her she had to do this in order to save herself and I am now really realizing just how bad off she was at that point. She explained it really as a process that she is going through and still not finished. First she had to breakaway so she could see herself as an individual. Next she had to work on defining herself as a mother, then an employee/corp executive followed by re-establishing her outside friendships and lastly will be defining her romantic relationship. When done she'll have finally defined herself completely. Right now she's working in outside friendships, friendships that she holds outside of me and our relationship. IOW not couples friends. She's doing this by reconnecting with a couple of friends from high school and some old work friends. This makes me nervous but what she said next really helped me settle a bit. She wants to get to a point where she can look at me and be able to work on us. She really hopes that she gets to the point and this is why re-creating our friendship is important to her. Yes she did admit in all of this that she would like to fall back in love with me in fact her exact words with a smile were "that would be really nice." But she was also clear in stating that it might come to a point where she realizes she doesn't want to pursue our relationship and will part ways. Right now from what I take from all of this is that she is leaning "our" way but not a great deal.
She also said she could understand how I perceived some of her actions as taking advantage of me and that's why she's hesitant to ask for my help on things. She really doesn't want me to think in those terms. She also admitted that she has a lot of fear that all we will do if we reconcile is "go back to what we were before." I've told her repeatedly I do not want that and do not intend to go back to that.
Finally she admitted to seeing some of my changes but stopped short this time to saying she has seen and accepted that I have completely changed from that angry, bitter, jackass I was becoming. But she's encouraged by some of what she's seen. She eluded to that fact that my regular backslides into R talk make her question whether or not I have changed because I come across as angry during these discussions.
So there my roller coaster continues but I really, really know what I need to do know. First, absolutely no more R talk, second be positive, friendly, and kind, (from my recent just show love idea), continue to find, foster and enjoy my interests that don't need to include her, be a super dad at all times and definitely around her, and finally continue to work on anger issues especially those regarding the kids. (Previously I was a bit of an authoritarian with the kids and didn't have a lot of patience with them. Funny I had infinite patience with other kids just not my own. I've come a long, long way with the kids.)
It's been a good day today and we have had almost no interaction. She emailed me a short question about our property division but it was a simple clarification question. Beyond that zero contact. I plan to keep it that way and let her have the time and space to do her thing. I'll go do my thing too and enjoy it too.
What a F-n roller coaster this week. But I called it on Monday, I knew this would be a real up and down week and it has held up to it!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
