WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[Dom R]

hi Waw...

I'm going to comment on something... i'm trying to soften it, but I tend to not be very .. er.. tactful when talking about subjects that are close to me. so please read this post, with a lot of understanding, and patience, and willingness to try to see the other side of things....

I know it took a lot of your LBS a long time for things to click but you have no idea what your WAS were going through. ... I feel hurt, neglected, angry, inferior and most of all helpless.

Some women are really dealing with a 'controlling' husband.
But a lot of them, arent.
A lot of women take their husband saying "What you are doing, is making me unhappy, or uncomfortable", as "controlling".

That's playing the victim. They are the ones trying to take control, through victim status.
Instead of owning up to, "My actions are hurting my husband. the caring thing to do, is to stop hurting him", they choose to play victim.... "I'm not getting what *I* want! My husband is stopping me from having what *I* want! He's controlling me!"

Are you in that category?

On the one hand, sometimes, a spouse might comment about something that is really your choice to make, and that might make you resent them sticking their noses into "your" business. But at the same time.. that isnt "controlling".

It's annoying... but they still dont "control" you.
At the same time.. you are married. almost everything you do, has an effect on your spouse. You should consider that, when making choices about things.

Also, the whole "i need space" thing, is most commonly a smokescreen that spouses use, to just make the other one go away, while they [file divorce/date someone else/other negative things]. Your spouse knows that instinctively, and will fight against it automatically, unless you can alleviate that fear.
Your husband is far more likely to "give you space", if you tell him specifically about ways that you "need space", but in ways that dont indicate you are going out dating or something.

ie: I need a break from lots of R talk. I would like to only talk about it no more frequently than [4 days/3 days].

or, "I'd like to have some time to myself today, just to have some peace and quiet. I'd like to spend a few hours today
[in the den/back bedroom/...] just [reading a book/watching tv by myself]. Ok?"


It's important to show that your "me time", is time spent in ways that is non-threatening to your marriage.
The opposite would be,
"I need some space. I'm gonna spend my time out bar-hopping. Dont bother me". That would be "Bad"