One link at a time

[BeingMe]

Life is like that, isn't it, Phoenix!? There rarely is a completely positive outcome to anything, but I guess we should just go with the flow sometimes.

I had some thoughts today .... about my attitude in life ...

I realised recently that I have had a habit of always trying to explain myself to people, especially to my family members (and, of course, H). If I felt attacked or hurt, then I felt the need to explain this to the 'offender', and if they didn't 'get it' then I got upset, and usually ended up being angry and resentful (and such a martyr, ugh). This is behaviour I had before I discovered DB'ing. Since installing DB'ing into my life, I have slowly over the years, started just letting things be, with the odd backslide, I'm ashamed to admit. It's only in the last week or so, that I have come to realise that this has been a lifelong attitude, and probably stems from my childhood.

So, with this discovery, I feel I can start moving toward an attitude of just saying 'no', without explanations being necessary, detaching if someone hurts or offends me in some way (and realising that most people do so out of their own fears and pain), and just getting on with my life.

Most of this came about because my niece wants me to visit them in their city (which I have just been to a couple of months ago), as my sister is returning to our home country. Okay, now I am going to explain myself here (where I know it doesn't matter, and I am safe). My sister has never gone out of her way to see me, or visit me, even when she was on her way to visit our eldest brother, and would drive right past my house. My niece (and family) were going to come and visit us in April, but something came up (as it always does) and they couldn't make it. I don't mind, but my nephew and other niece had visited her, then were going to come visit us (he flew out of the airport near us to return to our home country), and didn't bother to pop in and say 'hullo' (there was some excuse or other, and that's fine ... I don't mind). Anyway, I just don't have the time to go, or the money, since I will have to go in September anyway, to see my D20 who will be giving birth around that time. My niece has been putting the pressure on me, and I am feeling so bad.

It's so weird, my family gets offended very easily and my sister, especially, can hold a grudge for years, so I have spent my life cow-towing to her to keep the peace, but I am tired of it. So, I am just going to say 'no', and leave it there. I am hoping to go to our home country at the end of the year so will see them all there then.

Okay, can't help the feeling of guilt creeping up everytime I say no to family. Damn, they sure have got me, but I refuse to do it anymore. Agh!