WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[PMA_Baby!]

Hi WAW and Steel - I was having a problem with the difference between detaching and being cold as well so I asked my dbing coach. She summed it up nicely by saying "there's a difference between turning your back on your spouse vs. taking a step back from your spouse. The first one is being cold,distant and not offering to help the latter is still being available to help and offer support, but under their conditions not yours. I still am working on the idea of "unconditional love". Loving your spouse like Jesus loved the church. Not sure how I will ever be able to do that. Have to learn to love myself that way first. Once again, time and space, and patience, patience, patience. The sooner we realize we have no control over the sitch the easier it is to detach. At least that's what I keep repeating to myself Good luck. BM

[stillme]

Thanks, WAW, for being so candid. My H is, as well, "emotionally D'd" from me (and has been for prolly a year) and I know (now, o/c) that it was to protect himself from further hurt & pain. I truly hope your H can love you for yourself, and see his selfishness for what it is. Truly he has no idea who precariously he (and your M) is sitting (on his pride perch?).

[Gone Dancin']

He needs to stop trying to control me, tring to mold me into the person he wants me to be and start loving me, really loving me for who I am. He needs to start supporting my decisions, my wants, my dreams and stop being a selfish SOB

You know, waw, that could've easily come out of my W's mouth word for word. Painful to be reminded, but necessary to strengthen my resolve to make the necessary changes within me, and for either my current M or any other future R/M I have. Thanks for this. I did EXACTLY what your H has apparently done to you.

Perfect example:

Right before she left me -- I think this was one of the final straws -- I asked her if she was going to register to vote for our local elections. She said no, and I asked why not (I've been a bit politically charged for a while now). She said because she didn't know anything about the current issues or candidates. I said, "That's fine. I can just tell you who to vote for." OMG!!! Looking back, I can't BELIEVE I said that and actually meant it. She gave me a look of disbelief, and I -- being completely oblivious -- was like, "What?". Unbelievable...and down right disgusting.

He needs to start validating that I am the person he loves, not this person he tried to make me for years. he has yet to be able to acknowledge whether this is even possible for him.

I would like to know that, at this stage in the game for me, what can I do to show W this? I think I've done a lot already: backed off completely for 2 months, given her enough $ in the settlement to buy her own house outright and live without monetary stress (when by ID law I didn't have to give her anything since everything came by way of inheritance), not been critical, controlling, angry, etc, about anything in several months, supported her desired changes with work, etc. I'm just not sure how I can do anything more, other than present her with a "last stand talk" sometime prior to the D day on Aug 16th. Can you give me any guidance as to what I might say to her in that talk? What would you like to hear if you've been seeing active and consistent changes in H, but the D was right around the corner? What would you need to hear ?

Thanks waw -- and remember to compliment H on the things he does well that you need from him so he will continue doing them.

Take care,

GD

[stewart10]

WAW:

Forgive me if this was answered already, or if you addressed it specifically, but what are some of the things that your H is doing that makes you think that maybe he is "getting it"? Is he doing something, saying something, a little of both? What are some of the things that he does that are helpful to you and make you less resentful of him? That is the word my W constantly uses, resentment. She has all this resentment towards me. I honestly don't understand where it comes from (there was no abuse, physical or emotional, no addictions, no affair), but I would love to start chipping away at some of it. That is why I am willing to give her space and to wait for her to make a decision, because maybe the space will take away some of the resentment.

[waw1978]

I will try my best here GD. My sitch hasn't progressed into the D realm (yet) but if it were to get there here are some of things I would love to hear if H were to pitch a "last stand"...

How incredibly sorry he was for his part of the breakdown in our Marriage. That he learned from those mistakes/bad behaviors etc and that he is going to forever strive to be a better person and overcome those short comings. That no matter what happens post D (new R's/another M etc) he would forever think of me as his friend and partner in raising out child. That he respects me and on some level loves me a person even if he is not "in love with me" or vice versa. That the door is open to try again in the future should be timing and circumstance ever be right.

I am still pretty raw with the anger/sadness/depression so I am not sure how helpful that will be. But those are some of things I think I would want to hear.

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks, waw! That was very helpful, and I think can easily be applied to my sitch despite you and my W possibly being in different places emotionally. If you think of anymore, I'm all ears.

Again, thanks a bunch!

[waw1978]

Stew

Its very hard to tackle this one as I am sure its different for each WAW. For me, my H would have to back off completely and let me have total control over my own time/space/schedule etc for me to feel less resentful of him. That is a start. Cause right now, I do not want him around or calling me or asking me to do anything with him. If I feel like doing something with him, I would rather be the one asking. Otherwise every invitation he presents seems like "pressure" because I am the bad guy saying over and over "no, not interested". Which btw just makes me more resentful to be constantly put on the spot. I guess for me, because I am only a month into this the only thing he can do to show me he "gets it" is backing off completely until I am ready to interact with him. The other thing, is when I do interact with him, I do not want to be pressed for when we are going to do something else. He needs to enjoy the time he gets and be appreciative. He has to remember that I was about a milisecond away from leaving him and never looking back.

I am still very new to this so my reaction might sound cold. Our "Bomb" was only a month ago. It could take many months or years for me to get over being so angry at him.

[stewart10]

WAW:

I think this will be very helpful for me and others I would imagine. I have been trying to make sure that she has her space, but I think I can do better at it. I also wanted to ask her to do something together this weekend, but maybe I should see what her plans are first. I don't want to make her feel pressured into doing anything. I have not been contacting her at all, just letting her do all of that so I think that is a good start.

[Dom R]

hi Waw...

I'm going to comment on something... i'm trying to soften it, but I tend to not be very .. er.. tactful when talking about subjects that are close to me. so please read this post, with a lot of understanding, and patience, and willingness to try to see the other side of things....

I know it took a lot of your LBS a long time for things to click but you have no idea what your WAS were going through. ... I feel hurt, neglected, angry, inferior and most of all helpless.

Some women are really dealing with a 'controlling' husband.
But a lot of them, arent.
A lot of women take their husband saying "What you are doing, is making me unhappy, or uncomfortable", as "controlling".

That's playing the victim. They are the ones trying to take control, through victim status.
Instead of owning up to, "My actions are hurting my husband. the caring thing to do, is to stop hurting him", they choose to play victim.... "I'm not getting what *I* want! My husband is stopping me from having what *I* want! He's controlling me!"

Are you in that category?

On the one hand, sometimes, a spouse might comment about something that is really your choice to make, and that might make you resent them sticking their noses into "your" business. But at the same time.. that isnt "controlling".

It's annoying... but they still dont "control" you.
At the same time.. you are married. almost everything you do, has an effect on your spouse. You should consider that, when making choices about things.

Also, the whole "i need space" thing, is most commonly a smokescreen that spouses use, to just make the other one go away, while they [file divorce/date someone else/other negative things]. Your spouse knows that instinctively, and will fight against it automatically, unless you can alleviate that fear.
Your husband is far more likely to "give you space", if you tell him specifically about ways that you "need space", but in ways that dont indicate you are going out dating or something.

ie: I need a break from lots of R talk. I would like to only talk about it no more frequently than [4 days/3 days].

or, "I'd like to have some time to myself today, just to have some peace and quiet. I'd like to spend a few hours today
[in the den/back bedroom/...] just [reading a book/watching tv by myself]. Ok?"


It's important to show that your "me time", is time spent in ways that is non-threatening to your marriage.
The opposite would be,
"I need some space. I'm gonna spend my time out bar-hopping. Dont bother me". That would be "Bad"

[waw1978]

Dom,

I def do not fall into the category you are describing. Although I am sure that some women do. But I have major problems with ANY spouse telling the other what they can and cannot do. we are adults!

For example, I wanted to get my Masters Degree and was flat out told "No Way". Not because we couldn't afford it, but because my H was selfish and didn't want me to take a class or two a week and be away from the house. Same as spending any time with girlfriends. That was about once a month and guess what? I would be punished by his nastiness for a week after. After a while it became not worth it. His controlling ways alienated me from my friends and family. Not healthy. Maybe I would have taken some of this as "I am hurting my husband" but NOTHING I was doing was hurting anyone cause I rarely got the chance to do what I wanted in the first place! I know he has admitted that many of his tactics were purely selfish.

Prior to this separation ANY plans I had in mind I had to ask his permission. Guess what? I let him get away with this BS for years. My fault. I own that. He is my life partner not my father. I will never give anyone that much control over me again. I will never ask anyone's permission to follow my dreams. Maybe things would have been different if his response to everything I asked to do over the years wasn't immediately no or at least explained with a rational thought process. As an adult, who can support myself and my child without him, tell me why would I want to continue in this uneven relationship where he holds all the power?

Our MC has very effectively related to my H that his controlling behavior is one of the things that ruined our M and that it was in some ways abusive. It had nothing to do with hurting him or our marriage, it was all about him being in control of me.