My wife and I have been married for two years going on three in November. We had a secret courtship for two months before we married. Her choice btw, she was always secretive. She had just broken up with her ex two months before we went to Vegas. She was always very untruthful. Heart of gold but a chronic liar. After a while that jaded me and I tuned her out emotionally and put up a wall. We did all the regular stuff people did but when we'd have serious talks I told her that I wasn't in love with her. I thought I was in love with someone else that I knew before we got married and a bunch of stuff like that. I never let this other girl know anything btw. We separated in March and I just found out a couple weeks ago that she had been talking to her ex again. It crushed me and made me see how far I had pushed her away. It felt like a horse kicked me in the chest and it woke me up. I completely changed my thinking and wanted to work things out. When i talked to her about it she said they had been talking for a week but that's all it was. When I asked her about another # that I seen throughout her cell bill she said it was someone at work that she had a crush on and they started having an affair a month after we separated. She said seeing him was like drugs. And she would try to break it off but she just didn't know. Sounded pretty serious about him.
Anyway I've completely changed and have taken the wall down but I guess it's too late. She treats me like I'm the one who cheated. Now we've completely reversed rolls, now that I care she doesn't. I've apologized to all our family and friends and have been doing everything i could think of to amend the relationship even if we do move towards D which I'm pretty sure we're doing. I know I'm responsible for this because of the things I said but I'm trying to come up with some kind of resolution since it's affecting my work and it's all I can seem to think about. Suggestions?
I think two HUGE questions you need to ask yourself are:
1. Will you truly ever be able to trust this woman again?
2. Do you truly still love her or is it just now that you don't think you can have her, that bothers you?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I think I could trust her when we're together because when she's devoted she's devoted.
As for the truly loving her part I can't say for sure. I don't know that I can trust my feelings now since all these new feelings for her were motivated by finding out about her ex. I have completely changed though. But i guess i need help answering that ?
I made a big mistake last week while dropping off my wifes belongings at her work I spotted the guy that shes been seeing. He was bringing her lunch. So I got access to the building went into the lunchroom where they were alone eating and I asked that he respect that fact that she is still married. He responded by saying that she wasn't in love with anymore and then he stood up. I thought i saw him make a move towards me so I let him have it. We wrestled for a minute before I finally let him go. Well i got served with three restraining orders from the incident. Her, Him and some guy who was yelling for us to stop fighting. She lied and said she believed I had a drinking problem and that I drink everyday. I have a beer about once every month to two months. Why would she lie about that. And how would she even know if we'd be separated for five months and haven't spoken. I know I was wrong but I couldn't help wanting to catch them together. Anyway I think before this she agreed that she needed to break it off with him but now i think I have pushed her closer to him.
I picked up the papers to file for divorce, but everyone has told me I should wait until she contacts me in this regard. She has made him her husband through all of this. She's very protective of him more so than I ever remember her being towards me. Yet I still miss her and think if we got away from here we might be able to work all of this out even though i know we shouldn't. We have no kids together and this could be a clean break. So why can't I break?
I also keep thinking that if I could take her to the place where we had our 1st honeymoon that we could work all of this out and rediscover each other as well as have a blast. It was the best time of my life and I believe of hers as well. This was like a magical place for us and we haven't been back since.
But if I know it's best to move on. And I have my grounds for divorce. No kids. Clean slate to work with. Why go back even if you could. Is the feeling of failure that great for everyone? I know i could be more compatible with alot of other people but that's not making it any easier. When everything points to reasons I should leave, what would make someone want to stay?
But if I know it's best to move on. And I have my grounds for divorce. No kids. Clean slate to work with. Why go back even if you could. Is the feeling of failure that great for everyone? I know i could be more compatible with alot of other people but that's not making it any easier. When everything points to reasons I should leave, what would make someone want to stay?
Wow...I couldn't have said it any better myself. I feel the exact same way. No kids here either. I do feel like a failure, but I don't know why. I still think that I was a good W to my H. I think that the reason that my H and I haven't reconciled is because he can't face his own demons. I would be much more compatible with someone else. My H and I are opposites, but I always thought we balanced each other out. I think that we stick around because no one wants to be rejected. We want our spouses to love us like they used to. We tolerate this craziness with the hopes that we will have a better life and marriage because we've been through this and learned from it. We tolerate it because we are some of the few people that value "for better or worse". We are living in the worse. We are good people. But I do believe that a time comes when we have to face reality that it takes two people to have a good marriage, not just one.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
In one of your post you said that it seems like your W is treating OM like her H. I know exactly what you mean. My H won't admit that they are still seeing each other )OW who is his secretary), but when they spend 4th of July at his parents with her two kids I would say they are very much involved. And to make things worse neither he or his parents invited our children. Wow, they would rather have her kids over there instead of their own flesh and blood. Theo is going to get on to us for worrying about what our spouses and OP is doing, but I was just making a point that it happens to a lot of us. The WAS is so narcisstic. It's all about them. At this point I am ready to get on with my life. I was served D papers about 3 weeks ago.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I've read/own a few books of his. Really cool stuff. Starts to go down the psychological path, but not to far. He's another "Solutions" oriented guy.
His stuff (first stuff I read), plus DB and Remedy, and Venus/Mars, and Harleys stuff make a heck of a combination. Deadly.
I posted this over on my post (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1137334&page=0#Post1137334) also: ------------------------- Mr_Indecisive99,
I've read a bit of your post. Not done yet. (Your wife sounds like mine).
Going "Dark"/"Black"/"LRT"/"Plan B" sounds right up your alley.
Do you know of these things?
But, before you take my word on it, I'd like the others to chime in.
Weird, Last night I was reading Love is tough and I wrote her a letter based on the Dobson model and i'm pretty happy with it. It turned out to be four pages instead of 1 but I think it says what needs to be said. I prayed though before and asked if I should send this letter. I was forwarded an email this morning from a client talking about someone who was served with an order of protection. This was out of the blue and had nothing to do with anything and I still don't know why it was forwarded to me.
As you know from what's been written above I got served with a restraining order from wife and her B after I got into with the him. Anyway it said if this guy attempts to contact you in anyway that this person was covered under this order and to contact 911.
I guess i got my answer. I will be holding off. For some reason i guess I'm not suppose to send it just yet.
There is a chapter in Mars/Venus about communicating diffucult feelings. Maybe check that out also. Check out Harley's stuff if you've not already at marriagebuilders.com. Are you in counseling? As Michelle would say, find a counselor who is "solutions" oriented.
