We're all in the same boat man. Just put it in God's hands. Like you said we don't have any control and whats worse is we never had it in the first place even though we thought we did.
Jazz - Nice to see your post. Hope all is well. We're all hanging in there.
I'm looking foward and working for the day I can have as good of an attitude that you have. I know this isn't what you want but your still upbeat. I need to slap myself around some. Maybe grab a 2x4.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
We're all in the same boat man. Just put it in God's hands. Like you said we don't have any control and whats worse is we never had it in the first place even though we thought we did.
Jazz - Nice to see your post. Hope all is well. We're all hanging in there.
good luck. BM
1) stop signing your posts "BM" it's grossing me out
2) the sad thing for me is, I wasn't intentionally trying to control her, not even a little bit. Shoot, she could do whatever she wanted! What I was doing was not allowing her to express herself, her opinions, he feelings, etc. and that was worse than if I'd not let her go out, or whatever. Why I did that I don't know. My therapist thinks it's because my Mom used to really freak out when things didn't go her way, she expressed all those things to my Dad in a somewhat imappropriate manner and I never liked it as a kid. SO, anytime an argument or discussion came up where emotions might have been running high, I tried to stamp it out so I wouldn't have those uncomfortable feelings like I did when I was a kid. Subconsciously, I wasn't going to allow myself to go through that and even though my wife is NOTHING like my mom, my subconscious created the link between emotion and discomfort. So, my wife shared that she didn't like to argue, so she'd just quit arguing and get quiet. I took that as approval of my POV, and then 5 minutes later when everything seemed ok and we were happy again, I thought it was all over. See the huge disconnect? My wife was still pissed, and she stored that up. When it got to where she wasn't going to give up anymore and our arguments got longer and louder, she gave up, and here we are. Sad, isn't it? Just a little bit of communication skill and we would not be here.
that's why when I think that she's been storing this up for 11 years, 4 months isn't that long. Do I want her to at least chat with me a little bit about SOMETHING, ANYTHING? Yes, but it's not for me to decide.
i just hope she sees that we can win together, that it's not me against her, and our future can be really bright - we're not going back, we're going forward. We're a team and we can win together. We'll see...
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Yeah, just be quiet and let her work through it all. Nothing else you can do.
'Cept hit the gym. I'm getting pretty buffed.
i could be in a Gold's Gym commercial given my transformation over the last 4 months. The before pictures of a gooey fat guy and the Now pictures of a ripped 35-year old who looks 27 at most!
That's just an outward manifestation of my changes, it's nice but in the grand scheme of things, less important than the inner changes. I feel REALLY good inside, and that is what is really important to me.
Last edited by JR2007; 07/19/0707:57 PM.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Yeah, I guess I should have thought of a better name.
I can relate to your R with your WAW and your outlook on control. My WAW now says that she felt I was controlling everything even though I feel as though I never had a choice. I handled the finances, making appointments, etc. I tried many times to give up the responsibility of doing these things because they seemed to stress me out more then her. She was always focused on her career and never had time for that kind of stuff. One of our biggest agruements was started whenever I would say things like "what are your priorities? it must be a nice feeling to have someone taking care of everything." She would then get pissed and say that she could do that if she needed to, but never did. Anyway, any resentment I had before has since gone away when it comes to losing her forever. We, like u guys just had issues with communicating. As vague as that is for everyone on this board.
About the rest of your post. You should read the book "Getting the love you want". Great book about why we choose the partner that we do. Which explains in detail what your C was talking about.
Interesting that you mention the finances and such. My wife paid all the bills (except for a few that I paid out of a business account the last 3 years or so); she made almost all the appointments; she ran the house; she worked full time; she took care of S4 (see where I'm going with this?) I let her do all those things so i wouldn't have to! She is VERY good at them, and VERY organized, so she could do it. Shoot, I'd have her make my phone calls to people because she is so good on the phone (that's where she doesn most of her job - phone and computer).
However, none of that mattered. What mattered was I didn't listen to her. I didn't notice the things she needed. I didn't get her hints. I didn't respond to her emotions properly (I hid my own instead of sharing). Etc, etc, etc.
Anyway, I'm fully aware of my short-comings from the past. I'd like a chance to show her the future won't be the same, but she's not interested. It is really too bad, because I KNOW we could make this really great - not just good, but GREAT!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Luckily work is very busy and keeping my mind off this
Actually, I'm doing very well controlling my thoughts. The negativity is largely gone. I have to catch myself once in a while, but it's a real 180 in thought for me. It's very nice.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
