Who cares what he admits? Who cares what his plans are? Do you care? Really? How "big" of him to admit it's an option for him to leave you and shack up with the OW.
Yes -- it's an option for him.
He's dangling the option in front of you.
And he's saying, "Olive IF you become a Stepford Wife, MAYBE I won't leave you for OW."
Has he so little respect for you?
Err...I say, "F*ck that sh*t.
Let's rehearse the attitude towards your husband:
"Yes, I love you. But right now you are a morally bankrupt man going though a mid-life-crisis, who is deep in the pyschosis of an adulterous love affair. You are very ill right now. And though I care for you, your presence in my life, at the moment, is quite toxic.
So...I'm going to live my wife with two people in mind: myself and my child. I'm going to discover some lost treasures in my heart. I'm going to pursue some interests that really cause me to come alive. I'm going to spend time having fun with people that care about me. I'm not going to get caught up in the drama of your affair. Frankly your vacillation mixed with emotional blackmail has gotten old hat and I'm bored with it You are going to see less and less of me as the months move along, since I don't like hanging around people that choose to lie to me, hurt me and disrespect me.
Pretty soon I'm going to lay down some personal boundaries that I demand you adhere to. It's not really because I want you to do or be anything for, but rather, it's because my time, affection and sexuality are reserved for my husband. Since you refuse to be my husband at the present time, I will not treat you as such. Instead, we will be roomates with financial and parenting obligations to share.
Eventually if you refuse to give up your relationship with the OW, it will be inevitable that I will move on in my life and I will divorce you."
Olive -- anger and contempt for his contemptible behavior can help you to detatch.
I think a "whatever" mentality would be in order.
Another hard question for you:
Are you willing to create a plan, as I suggested, with a time-line to implement different phases?
Let me share some of my story.
When it came time for me to set some personal boundaries -- I was very uneasy My wife was slowly moving towards me after admitting to the affair and having ended it (because OM wouldn't leave his wife). She wouldn't, however, commit to our marriage and told me if the OM were to leave his wife, she would leave me to be with him.
We were selling our apartment and we were going to buy a house together (all on my income). I was tempted to move forward and buy the house to prove my love for her. On the other hand I didn't want to buy a house with someone who was ready to leave me at the drop of a hat.
Everyone counseled me against buying it.
It was time for a personal boundary or two.
I told her I wasn't buying a house while a our marriage was so shaky. I told her we could rent a lovely place and figure out our relationship. This hurt her since she wanted a house. I also asked her to get tested for STD. My wife went ballistic. She refused to get tested for STD and felt I was punishing her for the affair. She then asked me to move out and have a trial separation.
I refused to move out. I was true to myself.
Things got awful and tense. It was painful.
Well -- we are living together in a beautiful rented house. Our relationship is still shaky and up in the air. We are figuring it out. Maybe it's over, maybe it's not. I went with my gut and the wisdom of many good "coaches", even though it was scary. I acted in spite of my fears.
