H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

thanks! wasn't sure if telling him I still wanted the marriage was too much, although I suppose I need to do that, especially when he asks.

a couple of prouds...a couple of weeks ago, I would have told him that I still wanted the marriage, but would have gone on to either ask him where he stood (right now, I know that would open a discussion I don't want, if/when he's ready to save the marriage, he'll tell me himself), or I would have told him exactly what he needed to do to end it himself. I wish I could take back some of the stuff I've told him the last 3 months. seriously, I'm a "fixer" by nature. I can't tell you how many times I have given him the path to leaving me on a silver platter. and he starts mulling over it...even if he doesn't take it the minute I say it, he talks about it the next time, and I back down or whatever.

my other proud is I had many opportunities to check out his phone/blackberry/wallet and didn't once pick any of them up. in fact, at one point I was downstairs and he was upstairs with the kids. he came running down the stairs and picked up his blackberry (on the kitchen counter) and said he could hear it buzzing all the way upstairs. I didn't even hear it and I was only 10 feet away or so. trust me, a month ago I would have jumped on it the first time it even came close to buzzing. I also didn't ask who it was...he immediately told me. probably because it wasn't OW. granted, last winter whenever we were out, he used to text his friend, D, /recieve texts from his friend D, and I found out later they were all, every one of them, from OW. so who knows. the point is, I didn't look, I didn't ask.

of course, the sad thing is I'm reading way too much into all of this. I'm pretending any of this means something, like there is a chance still. and hopefully there is. or it could just be him being happy that life is all going his way...he's go the kids often, he's got his chick, and his wife is not longer a shrew.

[jackw]

No bad thoughts. You did great and you can mark 1 day as a complete success.

Set some goals for today and accomplish them.

Important part is these are goals for you and not for H. You can't let yourself have expectations of what H will or won't do. You just keep stringing together days of the new DBing you and see where it leads.

Worst case is you just feel better about yourself, freer, more in control and proud - any chnage in H is a cherry on top. But from what i hear he isn't all that far gone and I believe in you.

Off the the Jersey Shore with the kids. Need good weather so we don't have 3 days inside with my crazy parents...:)

Good luck!

[MikeinMidland2]

Good job, Morgan! Couldn't ask for more!

[SallyM]

thanks guys. I hate this second-guessing myself all the time. but my actions are the only ones I have control over, so I guess I want to know that I'm doing all I can do.

Its funny how much I read into things he says/does. sounds so desperate, doesn't it? I mean, yesterday I found myself actually thinking it meant something, the fact that he was eating blueberries that I had picked. that sounds so funny typed out, but the fact is he is such a city boy that eating food out of your own yard freaks him out. we have several blueberry bushes that yield a ton of berries this time of year, and he still went and bought ones from the store last year.

now, realistically, does it mean anything more than the fact that he really wanted blueberries right then? no. but me, in my pathetic state tries to make it mean something. lol.

today has been okay. very busy, actually. he called this morning and I sounded upbeat and busy, and he sounded pretty good, normal almost. then later I called him to tell him something about the kids, and he sounded very distant. and again, I try to read into that distance...when the reality could very well be the fact that he just had a meeting with his boss and he was probably distracted.

so does the contantly reading into things ever stop?

[MikeinMidland2]

so does the contantly reading into things ever stop?

Hmmmm...I'm wondering what you mean by that? Is it just a question or is there something deeper?

It's simple. He called you, and he sounds ok. You call him, and he sounds distant. Answering the phone is never pursuit. Calling him can always be interpreted as pursuit. Solution: don't call him (unless you have a kid in the ER).

Of course, people always make calls when they have a free moment, but (unless they are sitting at work staring at the phone, willing you to call) they are more distracted by whatever they were in the middle of when you called.

[SallyM]

you know, I've been doing really good over the last week and a half about not calling him. I don't know why I slipped today...it was certainly nothing that couldn't have waited until I see him tomorrow, or he calls tonight. I think I just forgot that one of my goals was not to call, not to pursue at all. thanks for the reminder.

[MikeinMidland2]

You probably forgot because you were feeling more comfortable, after the good conversation earlier. No big deal, we're all human.

[SallyM]

yep, thinking that is it.

just back from the gym. not a great w/o. actually, the w/o itself was good, but I just wallowed/got sucked into bad thoughts almost the whole time. nothing seemed to help. just kept thinking about him and that it just feels like I'm giving him permission to have the OW as long as he wants, that I'll just be here waiting for him. because essentially, that is what I am doing. I'm not ready to ask for a D, I don't want our marriage to be over, so realistically, there is no consequence. no, he doesn't get to live here, and he doesn't get to have me until it is over, but that doesn't seem to bug him all that much.

this all just sucks.

gonna take a shower and have a good cry while the kids watch little bear. as my mother would say, I'm having a good case of the woe-is-me's.

[MaxP]

morgan,

it's strange when our thoughts spiral sometimes. I guess there must be triggers (like for me today), but once the thoughts set in they can be hard to shift. As you say, it's particularly frustrating when it feels like sometimes they get to have everything they want and we are left wondering, waiting and all the time remaining loyal. Why do we do that? Because that's who we are, what we value and what love is. Will they come around? Who knows? But we need to remind ourselves that we are worthy of love and attention and support, even if we are not getting it from them.

Crying in the shower can be quite therapeutic. I hope the rest of the day goes well.

Max

[SallyM]

max, seriously, wtf is wrong with these people that we chose? H asked me once not long after I found out about the affair, what I expected of him (we had just started counseling, I thought he had ended things). I told him I expected exactly what I had always expected...loyalty, fidelity, and honesty. seriously, is that too much to ask from someone? trust me, I have had moments where yeah, this or that person looked yummy, and H might have been irritating me lately...I believe in the eb and flow of relationships. but when there is the eb, I also believe you just work at it until things are good again, you don't just go out with the tide.

anyway, thanks for the support. we are worth so much more than we get sometimes.