Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Dom R]

Telling him to 'man up' would more than likely tick him off royally and prompt more of "quit mothering me."

?? I dont see how that equates with "mothering".
To me, it sounds like a wife pushing her husband to be a better man. I hear that's the traditional role of wifes.. Push for husband improving himself, and push for bettering the relationship. (you know the old, "behind every great man, there is a great woman" thing?)
I'm guessing that your husband actually expects you to fulfil both roles, and you havent been doing so in the past (at least, to the level of his expectations)

You know him best... but that's the second-hand impression I'm getting from what you write about him.

W/regard to combining the 15 hours UA with him moving--what would that look like? I have already told him that I'm not standing in his way, but I'm not going to "help" him either.

maybe something like,


"we already discussed about a "controlled separation".. but now that i've had more time to think about it, I'm not happy with what we came up with.

I want you to keep your promise, about doing 15 hours of "undivided attention" a week together. There are 98 waking hours in a week. 50 of them are "work+ travel". Add 15 hours in there for "us", and that still leaves 33 hours a week that you would have free to do whatever you wanted with.

I dont want you to move out; I'd prefer you to stay with us. It's up to you. But whether you choose to still move our, or stay, I want you to keep your promise of 15 hours a week, at least for (the length of time in the proposed separation)"


Note: I think that the 15 hours a week should NOT be contingent on the separation; i think it needs to be started right away, not "when separation starts". nor should it end, if he decides to avoid, or stop early, the separation!
Its not "a condition of separation": after all, you cant stop him from moving out! you cant make conditions on that. But point out to him that if he was willing to try separation for X amount of time, it's only right that he be willing to "try out" this, for a similar length of time.


It doesnt sound like he has responded well in the past with you "offering options", and being equal. Whereas he has responded to you being somewhat pushy. I think you need to try to remember "what has worked", and take that kind of attitude in presenting this to him. At minimum, sounds like you must be firm, and strong, with him. If you are tentative with him, he will ignore you as weak and not worth paying attention to, seems like. Just a guess.




PS: about the "feelings disappearing"... yeah.. I've read that this happens. The time does not maintain feelings at tip-top, 100% of the time. but lets face it.. no-one feels 100% perfect, 100% of the time. The thing is.. it does keep them coming back, I hear.


Reguarding WHAT you would actually do during those hours.. rather than try to bargain/offer ahead of time, "what about X?" "no i dont like that" "what about Y?" "no i dont like that", (which will never end), I might suggest an agreement of,

"For the 15 hours, if there is anything that you want to suggest that sounds appealing to you, we'll do it. If there is nothing that you want to suggest that sounds appealing to you, then we will go with what I think will be enjoyable for both of us. You get first pick, but otherwise, to avoid ending up doing nothing, I get final pick. "