So...I think your assumption should be that he's still in a full-blown affair. Once they've slept together, they can't go back to just an Emotional Affair or being "just" friends.
Don't play games with your head. It's a given: he said he's not giving her up yet.
It's inevitable Olive, either you continue GAL, with some boundaries eventially added and it scares him into changing (which includes giving up OW), or...the marriage ends.
We have your GAL plan down.
I want a full report by Monday on what you've done and intended to do.
Next...
This is going to be hard.
What I'm proposing is a 4 phase plan.
1. Decide how long you intend to GAL with no boundaries. I other words, how long will you continue this if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage?
2. You need to decide when to start going dark, being mysterious and less available to him. You need to decide how long you will do GAL + Going Dark if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage.
3. You need to decide when to start adding boundaries. Which ones? No sex? Separate Bedrooms? Hard-core LRT at home? Each of these boundaries is cumulative and added to the next. Each has a time-limit before ramping it up. You need to decide how long you will do GAL + Going Dark + Boundaries if he refuses to give up OW, grow up and recommit to the marriage.
This full-force implementation will give him a taste for what losing you FEELS like. You are having a great time, are mysterious and intriguing, have withdrawn yourself from him and have set strong personal boundaries if he refuses to stop seeing OW.
4. You need to offer an ultimatum. "End the affair and recommit to our marriage or I will divorce you on the grounds of adultery." Look at Michelle's writings on how to offer an ultimatum. I think he will get the message that the affair will become exposed then.
This is super-hard, but do you want to set dates on a plan like this in intricate detail? You can take up to two weeks to work out your plan and get some feedback from a counselor, from us, and from people you trust.
At least it's a plan. Right now, you are in limbo. The limbo is what hurts us. While we are in limbo our spouses have no recpect for us, because we walk around in fear, like doormats waiting for every crum of affection they throw at us.
And for people like you and me, Olive, setting boundaries is what scares us the most, because something in us is hard-wired to please people, deny our desires/needs and is pathologically afraid of asseting ourselves if it seems causes conflict. We are afraid of our own shadow.
A plan like this might change the way you act -- for life.
