Well I had to get ahold of him because his grandma is in the hospital. Was not a pleasant conversation. It feels like he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. After having 2 weeks where HE contacted me every day and lunch on Saturday. Now he's back to seeming to have no feelings.
He's not happy. Even on the phone I can tell he's miserable. But then that's how your supposed to feel when you tear apart a family. Arrrggggg....
I know D wasn't mentioned so it's supposed to be a good day.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
You don't think he's maybe upset about losing his job? I've shared on this board before that when I lost a really good job 3 years ago, I was devastated. I took a shot to my self-esteem that didn't go away til 4 months ago (yep, my wife divorcing me woke me up, ironic eh?)
Can you reach out to him and see if he'll share his feelings on the job situation? Don't blame, don't accuse, nothing negative (no eye-rolling) and see if he'll open up a little. Chances are if you give him a safe place to talk about it, he MAY open up a little. Maybe give you a glimpse of what's going on with him.
Or, he might do what I did, bottle it all up, convince himself everything will be good again, and try to "just move on." Yeah, that didn't work so well. And it's a damn shame, as I know my wife would have been there for me, no doubt. I was such a putz.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
It was his decision to change jobs. He loathed the job he just left. It took him leaving me to get him to find another one.
I've tried reaching out to him. He just doesn't want to talk to me. Now his grandma just came out of surgery and he still doesn't want to open up to me. I've been doing everything I can to be there for him. Problem is that's one of the reasons he's not here now. He didn't feel I was there for him.
Yeah he tends to keep things bottled up. Not working to well for him either. I hate this because I want to be there for him and right now he's pushing me away.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
So here's the big disconnect I see now was going on in my marriage: I didn't think my wife was there for me when I really needed her, and she didn't think I was there for her, and we were probably both right. WHY would she be there for me when I wasn't there for her? And vice-versa? Well, pure selfishness. I should have just been there for her regardless, and I wasn't because I was only thinking that I was suffering. When she really needed me during some REALLY hard times last year, I bottled up my emotions, cut hers short in an ill-advised attempt to protect her so she wouldn't feel the pain anymore and thought we had moved on. WE HADN'T! She totally still felt the pain, and now had no outlet for it because her H wasn't there. I still felt the pain but didn't think I could share it or I'd look like a wuss to my wife (and men can't let that happen, right?!) We were both suffering because we had next to zero communications skills.
I'm telling you all this because if you stick to your guns and you're just there for him, let him know you feel his hurt for his grandma, and whatever else difficult might be going on in his life, and you do it without expectations of reciprocation, maybe he'll see you are there for him now. You control you, you do what's right, and hope he sees it. If he doesn't, you've still done what's right.
We all have to stop focusing on WHO is right and instead focus on WHAT is right.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
You are right he didn't think I was there for him but he wasn't there for me either. So we ended up in a vicious cycle. Just don't know if he can put it behind him and try again.
I will be there for him whenever he'll let me. I'd love to go to the hospital with him but I don't know if he'll let me. When I do tell him I'm sorry or is there anything I can do or something like that alot of times I hear not your fault thanks I'll be fine. Something along those lines.
I will do what I can and hope one day he does see the changed me. If not I'll have to figure out how to get on without him.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
You are right he didn't think I was there for him but he wasn't there for me either. So we ended up in a vicious cycle. Just don't know if he can put it behind him and try again.
Good observation! My therapist calls it the negative cycle. One party does something negative, the other responds negatively (thought it may not be interpreted as negative by the first party) and it goes round and round, gaining momentum and building speed til it just POPS! And someone gets spit out and something really bad happens like separation and divorce.
It can be broken, but it doesn't happen overnight...
Quote:
I will be there for him whenever he'll let me. I'd love to go to the hospital with him but I don't know if he'll let me. When I do tell him I'm sorry or is there anything I can do or something like that alot of times I hear not your fault thanks I'll be fine. Something along those lines.
I will do what I can and hope one day he does see the changed me. If not I'll have to figure out how to get on without him.
This is the only way to break the cycle! That is to break it for yourself. You then hope that your SO can see the cycle is broken and come out and check it out a little, then a little more. Then you talk about it, you set some boundaries, or guidelines - "I'm not perfect so if I slide on this, come talk to me and let me know so I can fix it instead of <insert normal negative reaction here>"
If they don't come out to look, well there is nothing you can do about it. You work hard, you do everything you can, if it's not enough for them, well that's really sad.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Yeah I realize it's not an overnight thing. It's been 2 months. And compared to some on here that's nothing. I know I have to have patience. It's just hard when he's pushing me away or being negative.
I'm really trying to break this cycle. I just hope it's not too late. Yes I know he's not talking D or anything. Some days it just feels like he really is done. Even on those days deep down I just don't believe this is what he really wants. Again I could be fooling myself.
It's extremely sad if they can't or won't come back and try again. And right now I'm not far enough along to be able to say if that happens I'm okay with it.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
Yeah I realize it's not an overnight thing. It's been 2 months. And compared to some on here that's nothing. I know I have to have patience. It's just hard when he's pushing me away or being negative.
I'm really trying to break this cycle. I just hope it's not too late. Yes I know he's not talking D or anything. Some days it just feels like he really is done. Even on those days deep down I just don't believe this is what he really wants. Again I could be fooling myself.
It's extremely sad if they can't or won't come back and try again. And right now I'm not far enough along to be able to say if that happens I'm okay with it.
you don't have to be OK with IT. But YOU can be OK. I'm not OK with losing my marriage, my wife, my family, a large chunk of my son's life, etc. But I will be OK. I'll still be sad sometimes, but that will lessen over time. I can still do everything possible for my son, live life to the fullest, and learn, and maybe even love, who knows.
Nothing sucks worse than this, but life sucks sometimes. We either learn from it, or we let it beat us down. Our choice.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
I know no matter what at some point I'll be okay. I do know that. I sure hope this pain lessens over time. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. No where near ready to think I'll do this all over again. I don't want to start over again with someone else.
But listen to me I make it sound like it's a forgone conclusion. I really have no idea how this will end. I need to just stop. Guess it's just all hitting me. This, his grandma, which is the only one in his family who truly excepted me, his job. And him not wanting me to be there for him in it all.
(picturing a big red stop sign)
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
Well he's going to let me go with him to visit his grandmother tomorrow. And as of right now as far as I know he's still going with us out of town. Should be glad right? Not with how he's acting now.
I need to just go and enjoy the soccer games, pool and kids regardless I know. I'll do that. This is just hard some days.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
