Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

Heh- I wish that it were that simple. We went to a MB weekend and so that meant access to Dr Harley in a forum for attendees.

I had written of our struggle and Harley basically said "We [MB] don't ask the reluctant partner to have faith that it will work, we ask that they DO the work."

He was told multiple times that if he would just *do* the time, he would be shocked at his feelings after a few months.

He even agreed in front of the counselor that he would actually participate in doing the assignments, putting in the 15 hours, etc until the end of the summer.

I was supposed to "force" him to do the homework and not take "no" for an answer. He claimed that he would not hold it against me. (Counselor as a witness.) I did not end up doing this as I found it too damn hard to drag him along. I would suggest that we do it; give options, etc, but he just dug in his heels. I was willing to forgo the specific homework to just get our 15 hours in and he just couldn't muster the energy or attitude to do so.

I don't know specifically what he and his brother talked about, but the impression I get is that his brother somehow was able to get J to admit that he hadn't actually *done* everything he could have. I think the rest of his support network is accepting the idea of not "doing" the work if you don't "feel" like it.

He is trying very hard to convince himself and others that he did "try" for many years; that he stuck it out when he didn't want to (for the kids); and now he just needs to move on. He acknowledges that I have made HUGE changes in the last couple of years, but 'something' is still missing.

I feel it isn't fair because we are at a point in our lives where we could be traveling, having fun, etc. I am a whole new person. We have the 'education' and 'tools' for how to build a great relationship and he just out and out refuses. Says that his refusal obviously indicates that he isn't interested in making our marriage work. We have a "chicken or the egg" conundrum at this point.