Is it not interesting when they expect us to act one way and we don't. Kind of takes the wind out of their sails.
You are getting there bud. You will have bad days. As much as you and I want to not NEED our W. They are the mothers of our children. Their was a time when I would have given my life for her. You can't just shut that off. But you can knock them off the pedestal WE put them on. They are after al just flesh and blood.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
What you're describing is usually referred to around here as "loving detachment". Just a word of caution - your ability to feel detached will come and go, like all the other parts of the crazy emotional roller coaster. Glad you are starting to feel it though - it helps a lot. Remember, it's not about losing all feelings for her, it's about losing dependence on those feelings in order to have your own happiness.
You sound like you are doing a good job, and 'getting it' in a lot of ways. Good for you. The most important thing I can tell you: Give it TIME AND PATIENCE. Progress comes in baby steps, with regular setbacks. As long as you can recognize those and keep the 'long view', you've got a great chance of reinventing yourself (you absolutely gotta do this!) and your marriage (you gotta keep hoping!)
Hang in there! Rob
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Wow, guys... thanks for the kind and supportive words. It really means a lot to me.
H: I agree with EVERYTHING you wrote. Ditto. I have indeed placed her far too high on the pedestal. She's comin' down!
Rob: I have read DR twice, and in it Michelle encourages the reader to "lovingly detach." But I didn't expect it to be so difficult. Thanks for the warning about the ebb and flow. I will expect it now. And I have indeed become far too dependent on my feelings for my wife to achieve happiness. I CAN do it on my own! And I have time. Although she has rattled her sabre, she has not yet filed. I expect her to do so in the next 30 days, though. Then I have about 6 - 8 months to further detach, and see what happens.
Three sessions with my DB coach (Jody) have helped enormously. I highly recommend to anybody the use of a coach. I know, it ain't cheap. I kicked it around the idea of doing it for about an hour. Then I glanced up and saw the photo hanging in my office of my kids and I was convinced that it was the right thing to do. I am doing it for them. If it were just us, I would have been gone long ago.
How is it going? You know my first wife became a drug addict. I did not know this until the day she left me with a 3 month old baby and a 3 yr old. I raised my daughters. The older one used to tease the younger one all of the time. I sat down with the younger one and told her don't let her bug you. If you don't react to her she will go away. It's no fun for her. If she calls you a name just ignore it. She Finlay got it. I feel like I am now doing this with the W. She is doing things waiting for me to react. But I don't. Like wise when I do something for her I don't wait for a reaction. I don't expect anything. If our sitchs were not so serious it actually is quite fun messing with them.
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Just catching up on some sitchs and want you to know I'm rooting for you. When I go on bike rides i turn up the mp3 player and get into music, everyone is different, you know what works for you. The 'lovingly detachment' I dont remember in the book but, I expected to feel that way even before I read your sitch, after my w meets om. I just wonder what she will be like after she returns. Did your w seem the same or different? after her returned
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
Did your w seem the same or different after she returned?
LS: Thanks for the support. I am silently following your sitch as well. It ain't easy being us...
I would say she was maybe a bit warmer toward me, I guess. A shade more talkative. I interpret this as a sigh of relief that she did not get the reaction from me she expected upon her return (either all of her sh*t is on the front lawn <I considered doing this btw> or passive-aggressive <the old me>). However, I do not want to read into anything, though, even something as insignificant as this. So I guess the answer is she was the same, as I suspected she would be.
I need to add that she has another trip scheduled for August. This is a true business trip (the trip earlier in the week was one that we paid for). Anyway, August the trip extends to Saturday. So when I questioned the fact she is returning on Saturday night, she offered to show me the email from her boss that had the meeting dates on it. I think it is interesting that, immediately after she returns from a "love trip" with OM, she feels compelled to offer me this proof. Could it be guilt? Not sure, but it does not change the fact that she is charging full speed ahead with D, and will share a room with OM next month.
I am considering going out Friday night. Just grab the keys to her car (it's nicer than mine), and tell her I am going out and I will be back later. When she asks where are you going (and she will ask), I will just say "I'm just going out. I will be home later." Because I will be in her car, she will no doubt suspect that I will be with somebody (a date). Anybody have experience with this?
Keep her guessing I say. Especially w/ what she's up to. What do you mean by full speed ahead on the D? Has she actually filed?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Hey Mark, Nice going on the "the reaction". It does make them wonder. I have been "going out" about every other Friday night. My W does not ask where I am going I just say "I'm going out". Now this is after I have spent a few hours out in the garage polishing up my wheel with my music blasting. I usually just stay out until midnight but....... We have a camper that can't be seen from the house. I have come home and seen OUR bedroom light still on. If it was I would sleep in the camper and then not come in the house until about 8:00am. (She thinks I am just getting home.) If you can get into the right frame of mind it is kind of fun. I am going out tonight. I just have been going down town. (Petaluma Calif. is a party town. People come up from San Fran. To party here.) I was thinking about getting one of the girls here at work to write "YOUR NAME" on my shoulder today. Its idea I got from Andy. Great way to start conversations. You met someone, ask them there name and say "Wow I have "YOUR NAME" tattooed on my shoulder. And bet them a drink you do. LOL I to try to second guess my W motives. Is she feeling guilty? Is she gaining respect for me? I don’t know. But what I do know is before I started DBing. My wife thought she knew me like a book. Now she realizes she really does not. Trouble is I really don't know her anymore either. The other thing about going out. When and if she asks where ya went: Just answer:”just out” Who with? “No body you would know” What did you do? “Just stuff”
This will work even if you just went down to the local hardware store.
Keeps em guessing
Husband.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
This weekend I plan on a movie 'adam sandler' one looks good, going by myself(I dont think I have ever went to a movie alone). Also borrowing wifes car(better on gas) to go to 'Fargo' to rock climb, dont plan on telling her anything accept bye(maybe).
