When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

I just posted to Jen on her sitch about this, but I'll stick it here too with some more details for anyone who has any thoughts.

There are really a couple of issues at work right now. The first one is that H is climbing so far up my crannies trying to be the good husband that it's driving me crazy. I suspect it's because I've needed to retreat to my cave a bit to really tackle the LW and last summer issue. I haven't had a whole lot of time to myself as MIL and her husband were here all weekend and just left today. I love them, so it was fun, but I've got this on my plate and I just want to dig in and slay this dragon.

Anyway, I've told H I'm working on this, that I just need some time to do this for us. He says okay...but it's clear it's not. I'm guessing there might be a little fear on his part as it seems like I'm pulling away. I've tried to be as clear as possible, but he's making me want to take off for a few days just so I can have some reflection time with no pressure.

That's the first issue, but the second one is, I think, related to the first.

The second issue is I find myself feeling really angry with H about things he does. I've been good--no blow ups, no yelling, no old SD. However, I have been really direct with him. Tonight he'd taped a show for me because I went out for a while. I got home at the tail end of it. I asked him which performer he'd liked best, and he wouldn't tell me b/c he didn't want to ruin the suspense for me. I wanted to rip his head off...I mean, who is he to decide for ME? I told him I wouldn't have asked the question if I didn't want to know the answer, and that it bothered me that he was making decisions about the conditions under which I watched the show. We watch TV very differently...I don't get immersed, don't get bothered if I find out the result before I watch, but H does.

I know he was trying to be nice, but it just made me crazy. He'd already done something else similar to that exact same thing a few minutes earlier.

I guess it's a combination of him not giving me the space I need right now coupled with his incredibly destructive (to him and us) pattern of being the pleaser, the "good guy." He wouldn't watch the wrap up b/c I hadn't seen the whole show...even when I told him to...because it would ruin it for me.

Why am I so freaking angry? *I* feel like an alien....

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Had another thought...do you think I'm angry because H is focusing all of his fixing attention on everyone but himself? This would suck...because essentially, I can't do anything about that except choose to let it go. That's hard. But I am tired...so freaking tired. I don't have the energy to carry us both, and if he doesn't step up to the plate....I just don't know. I sometimes think I'm happier without him...he's a definite energy drain.

[Jeff223]

You sound wonderful. Don't you see what your anger is doing for you? It is helping you work through your real deeper emotions about H and the whole situation.

Without anger, you would be stuck. We need to feel anger to examine what has happened that we did not want to happen and to get in touch with the "why" and what we can do better in the future.

Anger, if used correctly, helps us to heal. That is what you are doing. But the healing process may reveal deeper issues and desires - that can be good and bad.

[Rob1231]

I know he was trying to be nice, but it just made me crazy. He'd already done something else similar to that exact same thing a few minutes earlier.

I guess it's a combination of him not giving me the space I need right now coupled with his incredibly destructive (to him and us) pattern of being the pleaser, the "good guy." He wouldn't watch the wrap up b/c I hadn't seen the whole show...even when I told him to...because it would ruin it for me.

Why am I so freaking angry? *I* feel like an alien....

A couple observations here, SD.

First, remember that if you get angry - that's all about YOU, not about him. He can't MAKE you angry, because he has no control over you. So ask yourself, is this something you want to be angry over? Why? This incident honestly seems like a small thing, viewed by me from the outside - so, what is the payoff you are getting here by working yourself up?

Second, I'm a little puzzled by your statement that his being a pleaser is incredibly destructive to him and to both of you. I agree, if every single action he takes is submissive and self-sacrificing, that's no good. But a LITTLE bit of self-sacrifice and consideration seems like a good thing to me - it shows he is trying to take your feelings into account. I guess my question is, even if he hasn't done a complete 180, is he doing at least a better job of balancing looking out for you and looking out for himself? Are there baby steps to be acknowledged there?

I may be totally off base here so - FWIW! Hope you are feeling more cheerful and on top of things soon.

[SDFoundGirl]

A couple observations here, SD.
First, remember that if you get angry - that's all about YOU, not about him. He can't MAKE you angry, because he has no control over you. So ask yourself, is this something you want to be angry over? Why? This incident honestly seems like a small thing, viewed by me from the outside - so, what is the payoff you are getting here by working yourself up?

Ah, yes sir, you're absolutely right. I've been doing A LOT of work around this issue, particularly via my journaling class. Rather than just blaming him, I've been trying to figure out why I'm angry. It IS small...but the timing is, I don't think, just a coincidence. MIL and her husband (who I LOVE) were here over the weekend...and I saw us both dragged on this endless march to keep the in-laws happy and entertained. H thinks entertaining others so they'll have a good time and be happy is 100% his responsibility. MIL and I actually had this conversation one morning, and she sees her son for who he is. A guy looking for outside validation.

Some of this is good. Being kind and creating experiences others will enjoy is a good thing; it's probably part of what I love about H. However, wrapping your self-worth up in what others think and becoming a compliment junkie is not.

And, if it were only affecting him, I think I could sit back and just validate and let him figure it out. However....

I'm changing my behavior based on his crazy. I give up what *I* need in order to be a positive, happy, loving person because, if I don't, I'll be called selfish. In the past, I tried to opt out of things by being direct, and he resented me for it. He called me a selfish b!tch for things, and so I learned to just "get sick" instead.

If he wants to engage in crazy, then that's okay. But to expect me to engage in crazy...well, if it harms me, I won't do it. I did things because others expected me to for too many years.

Let me give you an example. H and I are planning a getaway for our anniversary to create some time together. All of a sudden, H wants to invite his father (who I also love and have no aversion to traveling with in general) because "We travel with Mom all the time, and he's getting old. He could die soon."

We've already planned a trip with FIL for another time, so that's not really an issue. I stepped out of the decision making with this one, because if I object, H will call me selfish. He lets me be the bad guy on these decisions...he doesn't really want FIL to go, but he'll plop it in my lap to deal with and be the bad guy.

I can't do that anymore. I won't be the one to take the responsibility for what he's responsible for.

The larger issue is that H spends all of his time and energy on people outside of our marriage so he can keep up the image of the good son, the good friend, the good worker...and there's nothing left for us. I mean nothing. I want more from a partner. Do I need it? No. I love myself, I'm happy by myself, but the person/people I choose to spend my life with will be someone who is an equal in the relationship. Someone I take from as I give to them. I get very little from H right now.

My thinking is this is a lot like Jen's LD issue with her hubby. I'm okay for now, but I won't do this for the rest of my life. I want to LIVE, not perform a series of obligations because others will think I'm swell.

I guess my question is, even if he hasn't done a complete 180, is he doing at least a better job of balancing looking out for you and looking out for himself? Are there baby steps to be acknowledged there?

No. Not really. I'm not being "mean" and "selfish" like I used to be, so he's just fine and sees no reason to change himself. Me? I'm lonely. I want a partner, a lover, a friend...someone to explore the world and all it has to offer. I feel penned in, limited.

I'll say about just this in MC tomorrow. H is free to do whatever he wants. I'll go off and make myself happy on my own...but at some point, H has to step up or I will be done.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Didn't make it to MC, had this talk tonight. H looked shocked...but said he'd step it up, didn't realize any of this. I basically just told him what I want in a partner, said at present he's not delivering on some of it, and that I want more. All in all it went well...we'll see how it all goes.

BTW, I also expressed how important it was to me that he speak up if I ever do something that bothers/hurts/offends him instead of holding on to it. I told him I want an open, honest marriage where we respect each other enough to speak and hear the truth, a marriage full of passion, fun, and teamwork where nothing was off the table for discussion. He looked happy when I said that, and there was no weirdness tonight.

Now the ball's in his court. Here's hoping....

SD

[inspiredjulie]

WTG. Not an easy convo to have, and I hope it brings great things for your R. Have a great weekend, SD!

[Rob1231]

The bomb's on the other foot now, eh?

What you said made perfect sense to me. Sounds like it is time for H to reevaluate some of his priorities - both for himself and for the relationship's sake.

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks y'all. During MC H got defensive...didn't like hearing my perceptions, didn't like MC asking him questions like, "If you could choose answering emails or cuddling with your wife, which would you choose?" I kept it in I-Messages, but now H is having to do what I did with myself last summer. Or...he won't. His choice. I will say that things were very different last night...lots of touching, ML, etc. It's just that everything else in his life was a priority.....

As always, I'm surprised at the depth of emotion I still have in me about all of this.

I've got a very busy weekend planned...going to a pool party today, marching in a parade with my school tomorrow, finding somewhere to hike on Sunday. Busy is good.

SD

[inspiredjulie]

Busy is great. Keeping yourself out of trouble is a priority, girl!

Glad to hear your night went well. We'll see how H can respond over the long-term. Enjoy your weekend!