Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

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Journaling...
Not much has changed. I seem to repeat myself a lot. Patience is still the key word. Sometimes I get depressed and think there is no hope and I just wish she would let me go completely so I could find some closure, resolution, and move on with my life. Sometimes I feel optimistic and think any minute now she will say ILY, or healthier yet, I realize we are peicing, she did come back, and we are going to be OK, I'm going to be OK, and I don't need the ILY.

Fate is playing with me a little. Having my old college girlfriend contact me, have lunch with me, confess how much she still really likes me and if she weren't married she would want to be with me... was thrilling, ego boosting, and cruel. I can't mess up the last chance I have with my W, and I can't mess up her M, however faulty she may think it is. The thought that has kept me on the high road has been thinking about how I would hurt her husband if I crossed the line with my old GF. I know how I felt. I couldn't do that to him. (sometimes I think I could. I have to really watch myself.)

So, I'm still waiting. My friend helped my by saying that sometimes choosing not to act (not to initiate R talks, not to demand she make up her mind, not to "romance" her, etc) is an action. I'm not being passive and waiting for others to decide my fate. I'm actively deciding Not to Act. I know that he is right, because I can be so exhausted by Not acting that it must be an active effort.

Here are the positives (just a reminder of our story so far, she is living in Arkansas, I'm in Colorado. Our tentative plan is that I will join her there after my son graduates HS. My daughter will join her at the end of the summer):
1. she has called me an initiated nice, friendly conversations.
2. she has bought me a couple of small gifts
3. she has been appreciative of what I've done for her, and the small gifts I've given her.
4. She actually remembers our anniversary, and we are planning to do something on it (although with kids,and not romantic)
5. she left the OM (as far as I know. Always a little, evil, lingering doubt in my mind but I can't ask any more).
6. she has said she is not going to date and considers herself married.
I guess I could go on. Sometimes thinking of the positives brings me down. If things are going well, why doesn't she just decide she wants to be with me and tell me? Patience. Living in Limbo is very hard, but I'm doing it, and I can keep doing it. Who knows how long I can keep this up? Who knows if 2 years of separation will kill whatever chance we have or not. I can only do my best, try to stick to the high road, and hope.

Keep on trucking.