Ok, I am going to get a little tough here. I mean it in the best way though.
You need to let go as much as possible. I understand about being with someone for a long time and then having to learn to be alone. I have been with my H a total of 20 years, married 18 (less the 2 years he has been gone). I know what it is like to feel your heart ripped out. I didn't think I could do it on my own because I relied on him for everything. Well, I fooled myself. I am doing fine on my own.
I have not given up hope yet. I used to wake up each day wondering if that was going to be the day that he would send me divorce papers. Believe me, my life was miserable. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep or even function. It was a wonder my boss kept me. I cried all the time. I hated life. I was ready to give up.
Then, it hit me. I was put in this situation for a reason. God only gives us what we can handle. You learn to deal with things. I guess the purpose of my H leaving was to make me "grow up". I have learned a lot since my H left. I can do things on my own. H has even learned to live on his own without me doing his laundry, cleaning up after him. He goes to the grocery store (which he hates). We have both grown up.
I am taking all of this and holding onto it. Once day H will come home and we won't have to depend on each other as much. We will be able to live happily because we had this chance to grow.
Take this time to help yourself "grow". Stop dwelling on the what ifs. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You have a lot of growing to do. I know you can do it though.
