9 months ago I thought by this time now I'd be strong enough to move on. Here we are over a year later and while I'm stronger my day to day life sucks, I'm exhausted this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Even more importantly just the thought of her being with another man and another man in my D's life makes my stomach turn. How can I overcome this feeling?
Well, I don't know if I have the answer. Or perhaps I do, but it may not be the right answer for you. Here's what I can say with regard to my own situation and perhaps you can glean some nuggets of value from it.
The first step for me (though I didn't recognize it at the time) was to come to the understanding (and to accept) that my W no longer exists. Like an Alzheimer's victim, the physical body remains, but the person inside is gone.
That led to the second step. If my W is gone, then who is here now. What is she like? What does she want? What does she expect?
The third step was to evaluate the answers to step two. Am I attracted to someone like that. Is this new person someone I really desire? If I were looking for someone to marry today, would she make the short list?
Finally, I took a look at my life and asked myself if it was a bad life...or just a different one. In the early days, I think I believed that if my old life was good, that any other life must be bad. But I've come to understand that while my life is now different, that doesn't mean it's bad. There are bad parts to it, but there are good parts as well.
I loved the life I had and I would never have chosen to change it. But they say love is blind and if I really look at it objectively, there were bad parts then as well. I chose to ignore them in favor of the good parts and I can do the same now.
As I point out to jackw below, moving on isn't about forgetting your WAS or being happy all the time or never feeling any pain. It is about living your new life. Setting new habits. Creating new memories. Making a new life that, although it is different, is OK too. It is recognizing that, like everything else in life, this too shall pass.
The good times never last forever, but neither do the bad. Our lives are transitory, no matter the lengths we go to in order to change that fact. There will come a time when another event (the passing of one of your parents, falling in love with someone new, moving to a new job) will change your life again and the "new" life you now face will then be the "old" one you must leave behind.
But for now, stand tall, be strong, continue to improve yourself, allow yourself to feel pain, but don't wallow in it, and turn your face toward the sun. Your tomorrows are filled with better days. Peace and courage to you.
Originally Posted By: jackw
It has been 13 months since my W moved out and every time I think I have moved on I get knocked over by the wave of pain.
It is a common misconception that if you've moved on the pain disappears. While it is true that it no longer consumes you, there are, and will be, events and situations that bring it back. After a year, you come across them less frequently, but they are still around and will be for a long time. There are those I know who are years into a second marriage and quite happy, but still say there is a hole in their heart that will never be filled.
Moving on doesn't mean that you will never feel pain or be sad about the collapse of your first marriage. It means that you can live, that you can laugh, that you can enjoy friends, life, and the things that are meaningful to you. It means that you are not consumed with thoughts of your WAS, that s/he is the topic of conversation only occasionally, and that you are able to allow the process of healing to begin.
I don't know you are at that place yet, but the fact that you are sad every now and again is no reason to believe you are not. Strength, patience, and peace to you.
