Once appon a time I was falling in love, now I am only falling apart. Nothing I can do a total eclipse of my heart. I believe I have detached too far. I really don't think I love my W anymore. I do prefer to stay together for my son's sake but that's it. Theo, I will be giving you a call later. Not sure of the time zone issue. Funny thing last night when I went to bed, (my turn in OUR room). My W purse was in there. Backing up a little when all of this first started her cell phone and purse NEVER left her side. One time when she put her purse in our son's room before bed time. (Her night to sleep with him). I made a comment (stupid I know)."What you don't trust Me.?” She said all her make-up and stuff she needs is in there that's why she keeps it with her. But last night it was there on the chair by her side of out bed. Before I closed the door I told her "your purse is in here". When I woke up this morning it was still there. (NO Theo I did not snoop, I really don't even want to snoop anymore). She may be coming around. She may be on her journey back to me but it may be too late. I have finished the book. I understand how I was conquered and no longer a challenge for her. Life got boring. She was not happy. What she does not understand is nobody can make you happy. This is something you need to do yourself. Sure people can be fun to be around. That was probably me when we first got married. But true happiness is found within. We all need to understand this. We all believed when we found out that our spouses cheated on us that they took our happiness with them. This is not true. Yes they made us sad. They hurt us deeply. They attacked us form inside our circle. But we were happy before we were married to them.Happyness is not something they gave us. We already had it. They added to it but we already had it. I do not need my wife to be happy. The only thing that is left now is I prefer to live with her because I prefer my son live in a home with both parents. I am not sad right now even though it may sound that way. I just feel like you do when the party is over ya had fun now it’s time to clean up. My sitch is soooooo small when I compare it to all of yours. I believe my W is comfortable with our sitch right now. Married living as room mates. That’ fine with me but we need to be playing under the same rules. I have a confession to make. I could not sleep Monday night because of the pains in my leg. My leg was all black and blue on my hip and my thigh inside had some open blisters from the hike. I did take some meds. I am off them now but they are probably still in my system. I’m just venting / thinking out loud right now. I really am not sad.
Husband
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Just read my E-mail, W sent me two messages, One about boat rentals at I lake near by I was looking for. And the 2nd one was about my some will be out of day care a week before school starts. Asked if I think him and I should go to Eureka again. Funny thing is I was thinking about a 4 day trip there with my some before school starts but never mentioned it to her.
Is this a guilt trip with her or is she planning another rendezvous
Husband
Horiscope for today: You thought you and your sweetie were perfect together, but now you're seeing a million little problems. Hold on! Could it be that all this criticism has more to do with your anxiety about love than their actual faults?
Last edited by husband; 07/19/0711:40 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Just read my E-mail, W sent me two messages, One about boat rentals at I lake near by I was looking for. And the 2nd one was about my SON will be out of day care a week before school starts. Asked if I think him and I should go to Eureka again. Funny thing is I was thinking about a 4 day trip there with my SON before school starts but never mentioned it to her.
Is this a guilt trip with her or is she planning another rendezvous
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Never had you down as a Bonnie Tyler sort of guy husband.
Just stop a minute and take a deep breath and then reread what you have written.......
You are all over the place. You say you are detatching and yet you are very much involved. You wonder if your W is planning a rendezvous but then talk about her being comfortable to leave her purse with you overnight which she wouldn't do before. THINK THINK THINK.....
Maybe she wanted you to look in her purse to see that there is nothing there that they shouldn't be.
If your W was wanting to reinitiate things how could she feel comfortable about it?
Just to give you something to think about - and I know I am not your W, but... When I and my H were having problems our intimate R had gone fairly dead. Things happened maybe once every other couple of months. We would lie there night after night wanting to be close with each other but not knowing how - how stupid is that? We are grown adults who had been married for 19/20 years and yet we couldn't talk to each other about it. I sooooooooooo much wanted a hug but I couldn't reach out - I still don't know why not. I do know that for me things have to happen on a regular basis - I don't know why - but I know that this is not unusual among women. If you haven't done anything for a while then you can just lose the urge unless something EXTRA ordinary happens to lift you out of that feeling. I only share what are quite private feelings with you so that maybe you can see how your wife may find it difficult to reinitiate things when she may really want to. She may be very frightened.
Coming on to the detatching too much. Well it could be that you have and now you are going to carry on in this manner and protect yourself emotionally. Others on these boards seem to have done the same. HOWEVER, you are sore physically from your weekends exertions, you have taken some meds, (which I personally think is absolutely OK if you are in pain and need them), and combined with that you are back from a weekend that was ok but you didn't get a response maybe as strong as you were looking for from your W to all your efforts AND you have just read another self help book, (which from what I can gather talks about dating etc!!) See where I am going with this?
The balance of power in a relationship changes all the time. Whilst you want to be with your W and she doesn't want to be with you then she had the upper hand. Once she recommits to you then in a way you have the upper hand - and she is open to rejection my man! - that will be hard for her. Whats more if I had been what you have been ,I would want to give her a taste of what that felt like. However that would only be detructive for both of you and your son. I have had to fight hard not to go completely cold or even walk away from my H. I have questioned over and over again if I should be with my H. I know I will do again. But deep down inside I KNOW he is the one I want to be with. There are guys out there who are more sensitive, kinder, physically more attractive......I could go on and on.....but he IS the one I want to be with. And lets face it, if I jump ship the next one could be worse.
Husband, you are on a post weekend dip. Hang in there. Make yourself a list of things to be gained by staying in the R and things to be lost, then make a similar list for if you and your W part.
I have to go and finish packing now - my H getting twitchy about me spending so much time on the PC. I will check back in again in a while. Hang in there Manuel
Saffie
Yesterday my clinical psychologist, who I hadn't seen since last October, told me to look at what I had achieved over the last few months. He was amazed; actually I think he was just pleased I was off the ante depressants and not cutting myself!! but there we go. He also said that there does come a point when it is time to STOP reading all the books and to live. Every new book just keeps you fixating on what went wrong. I have mixed views about this but can see that he has a point. Husband your W seems to be warming - do you have a way for her to come back to you planned?
As for if you
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I was just thinking out loud. (On the computer). It's hard because I see all these positive things but now I don't trust her. "We would lie there night after night wanting to be close with each other but not knowing how - how stupid is that? We are grown adults who had been married for 19/20 years and yet we couldn't talk to each other about it. I sooooooooooo much wanted a hug but I couldn't reach out"
I too have the feeling sometimes that maybe we are both just waiting for the other to initiate something.
Like you said I am just comming back from a GREAT weekend. I was not expecting anything R wise to happen, so I was not really disappointed. I also think this is confusing to my W.I think she is expecting me to try something or act like I expect something. I really don't anymore. And like I said when she does do something nice I get suspicious.
I AM NOT DEPRESSED OR SAD OR HAVING A BAD DAY. I was just rambling
Thank you for letting me in on some personal stuff. Isn’t amazing how we can tell each other “private” issues her but not to our spouses?
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
It's natural to feel sad, happy, elated, anger, distate, numbness, hatred, contempt.
Don't throw in the towel because you FEEL contempt for you wife. That's what she's doing, right? You are basing your DB attempts on the belief that our FEELINGS can change. Don't sink to her level, dude.
Niether of you wants to be "roomates".
Continue detaching and GAL. It will give you perspective. It seems to be working.
Do not ask her "how would you feel about me taking a woman to the timeshare?" unless you plan on having an affair yourself. It will come across as petty and childish. It will also sound like an empty threat intended to make her "think" -- which is what I believe you are trying to do.
If you are planning on being roomates with both of you dating other people, then I think before you do this you should consider getting a divorce. Leave this thing with your honor and integrity intact. Your son doesn't need 2 parents at home both carrying on affairs. Either you "win" your wife back or you divorce her for adultery.
Show him what a real man is: faithful, full of integrity, willing to fight for his marriage and family. And if your wife refuses to stop seeing other men, then show you son that a real man does not accept sharing his wife with another man.
Since you love your son, YOU need to be the rock and moral compass in the family. What will dating accomplish? What are you trying to tell him... Your mom cheated on me, now I'm going to do the same thing?
Is that WHO YOU ARE, Husband?
Is it?
I know it's hard. I'm also losing my sense of who I am at times, especially when I think about pursuing a relationship with another woman.
Please don't let your wife's actions turn you into something less than yourself.
If you want out of the marriage, then inititate divorce proceedings. My sense is you haven't really gotten your detachment and GAL activities into full swing. It's not time yet.
