One completely frustrating aspect of this is W's urgency to get a job now, so she can get the D.
I guess it was too much to ask her to get a job to help with some bills, assist in buying clothes for the kids since school is starting soon, anything that would contribute to our family. Instead, the purpose of the job is to make it so she can make things harder on our family.
Ah, this is the part I had the most difficulty understanding with MY W. But I did come to understand what it was all about.
You see, she was a stay at home mom. We all know that is the best for the kids, having mom there all the time. Too many kids are 'day care' kids.
And as men, we want our kids to have the best nurturing and care possible. That comes from having a stay at home mom. You and I and everyone here knows that is true.
In the beginning we made sure that was going to work. We could carry the financial load, because we're men and generally we make more money. And it was what we really wanted to do - to have our kids be properly cared for.
Somewhere along the way, the finances changed for whatever reason and WE felt unsupported because THEY "wouldn't" get a job, or maybe they WOULD get a job but it wasn't good enough for us.
Maybe we, for whatever reasons, wouldn't force a cut back on family expenses, or decide to move to a more affordable home or city. We wanted everyone to continue to live the way they were 'used to'. Any other option would mean we were a failure.
So, maybe we pressured our W to 'get a job', but whatever jobs they COULD get weren't good enough.
In your case, you say "it was too much to ask her to get a job to help with some bills". Did you ask or did you 'hint'? Did you have a mature discussion and ask for HELP or did you demand?
If you had a mature discussion, did she say "NO way! you Should SUPPORT US!" which, by the way, I would consider very immature on her part.
Lot's of questions, so let me tell you about MY situation and what I have come to understand since then. Maybe there are some similarities. Maybe it will trigger some ideas. We're all different so I wouldn't try to say 'my way is best'. As they say 'Your mileage may vary'...
first, as men, we made an unspoken deal with our wives. they would be the stay at home mom. We would be the providers. In 'women speak' that is a sacred covenant. Think back to 'cave people'. Everyone has a role in the 'clan'. WE provide safety, support and protection. THEY provide nurturing, love and care. Most important is this: WE asked THEM to give up their individual independence, and become dependent on US.
Remember, MEN do not perceive the world the same as WOMEN do. Which also means WOMEN do not perceive the world the same as MEN do.
Later, life became difficult. When WE changed the deal and asked for help supporting the existing lifestyle after many years of stability, we broke a covenant with them. No, we didn't betray them or cheat them out of their ability to be couch potatoes. What we did was break the rules of the 'protector - provider'. We didn't ask her to move to a new cave, or eat less berries. We asked her to STOP DEPENDING ON US. Get a job.
Wow. Imagine how that would feel to someone who has given up their independence, and depended on their man to support them and their children.
My analogies may be a bit weird, but I have a very important point to get across.
As you know, my W and I were able to salvage our marriage. Part of the reason is because I learned what I was doing that was causing the problems - based on learning how a woman perceives the things I do. Conversely, once I WAS able to learn this, and once I was able to guide my W into resolving her own issues (not FIXING OUR MARRIAGE, but RESOLVING HER ISSUES. It was only by luck that by resolving her issues, it fixed our marriage. Don't EVER forget that if you read my threads) that she was able to see my point of view.
So, we talk - a lot. One of the things she has told me is that she likes to work, but she doesn't like that we DEPEND on her income. She isn't 'lazy' and she works very hard as a massage therapist.
She wants to feel safe, and that means knowing that she can depend on me to make sure that we'll always be ok.
A few days ago, my w said to me "I'm trying to help as much as I can by working, but I really want to be 'mom' and spend time with the kids."
When I looked back at the situation many months ago, I saw one really important thing. When SHE decided there was no way to salvage our marriage, she moved forward with her 'plan to get a job, not because she had 'suddenly' decided it was a good idea, but because she had decided that she could no longer be dependent on me.
So, what did _I_ do?
Well, I decided not to give her money. Instead, I facilitated her 'job situation', not by giving her money, but by doing what I already did - being the financial support.
She wanted to leave, to be on 'her own'. I didn't give her money, instead, I made sure she knew what it cost to support the kids, and I facilitated her 'independence' by backing off on child support and stuff so she could get a job, and build her own business. I set time limits , so it wasn't an 'open ended ' deal.
All that was designed to make sure she saw me as a benefactor and not someone she depended on.
She was very clear on how much worse off she would be, and it was also clear that it wasn't because of me.
So, by being her 'supportive friend' and letting her know how I would help her as best I could, without giving her money or other things, she came to see I wasn't her enemy.
It was hard, and she fell down a lot. When she did, I was compassionate, but I didn't 'fix it' for her.
What I DID do was make sure that she knew I was understanding about the 'deal' we made. and that I would do whatever needed to be done to fix that deal.
I forced a cut back on expenses, and we've even discussed the 'last resort' of downsizing our home.
The point is, she needed me to be the leader, and the rock. I stopped being that, and she got scared and ran.
When I started being that, I felt better. In my case, that got her attention and SHE felt better too. There was a lot of damage, but so far we're ok.
