When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

A couple observations here, SD.
First, remember that if you get angry - that's all about YOU, not about him. He can't MAKE you angry, because he has no control over you. So ask yourself, is this something you want to be angry over? Why? This incident honestly seems like a small thing, viewed by me from the outside - so, what is the payoff you are getting here by working yourself up?

Ah, yes sir, you're absolutely right. I've been doing A LOT of work around this issue, particularly via my journaling class. Rather than just blaming him, I've been trying to figure out why I'm angry. It IS small...but the timing is, I don't think, just a coincidence. MIL and her husband (who I LOVE) were here over the weekend...and I saw us both dragged on this endless march to keep the in-laws happy and entertained. H thinks entertaining others so they'll have a good time and be happy is 100% his responsibility. MIL and I actually had this conversation one morning, and she sees her son for who he is. A guy looking for outside validation.

Some of this is good. Being kind and creating experiences others will enjoy is a good thing; it's probably part of what I love about H. However, wrapping your self-worth up in what others think and becoming a compliment junkie is not.

And, if it were only affecting him, I think I could sit back and just validate and let him figure it out. However....

I'm changing my behavior based on his crazy. I give up what *I* need in order to be a positive, happy, loving person because, if I don't, I'll be called selfish. In the past, I tried to opt out of things by being direct, and he resented me for it. He called me a selfish b!tch for things, and so I learned to just "get sick" instead.

If he wants to engage in crazy, then that's okay. But to expect me to engage in crazy...well, if it harms me, I won't do it. I did things because others expected me to for too many years.

Let me give you an example. H and I are planning a getaway for our anniversary to create some time together. All of a sudden, H wants to invite his father (who I also love and have no aversion to traveling with in general) because "We travel with Mom all the time, and he's getting old. He could die soon."

We've already planned a trip with FIL for another time, so that's not really an issue. I stepped out of the decision making with this one, because if I object, H will call me selfish. He lets me be the bad guy on these decisions...he doesn't really want FIL to go, but he'll plop it in my lap to deal with and be the bad guy.

I can't do that anymore. I won't be the one to take the responsibility for what he's responsible for.

The larger issue is that H spends all of his time and energy on people outside of our marriage so he can keep up the image of the good son, the good friend, the good worker...and there's nothing left for us. I mean nothing. I want more from a partner. Do I need it? No. I love myself, I'm happy by myself, but the person/people I choose to spend my life with will be someone who is an equal in the relationship. Someone I take from as I give to them. I get very little from H right now.

My thinking is this is a lot like Jen's LD issue with her hubby. I'm okay for now, but I won't do this for the rest of my life. I want to LIVE, not perform a series of obligations because others will think I'm swell.

I guess my question is, even if he hasn't done a complete 180, is he doing at least a better job of balancing looking out for you and looking out for himself? Are there baby steps to be acknowledged there?

No. Not really. I'm not being "mean" and "selfish" like I used to be, so he's just fine and sees no reason to change himself. Me? I'm lonely. I want a partner, a lover, a friend...someone to explore the world and all it has to offer. I feel penned in, limited.

I'll say about just this in MC tomorrow. H is free to do whatever he wants. I'll go off and make myself happy on my own...but at some point, H has to step up or I will be done.

SD