changes in attitudes, changes in latitudes

[new_attitude]

I'm just getting caught up from the weekend. It was a mixed weekend. Sometimes I really feel like a changed person and other times I feel like I'm just faking it, trying not to react to things that used to p*ss me off. Last night I got so fed up with the way that H and D7 were talking to each other and I just exploded. Definitely a bad Mommy and W moment for me- first big set back of the DBing period I would say. And the whole time I'm thinking "Now he's thinking he's going to leave." Anyway, today was better, I think.

I'll try to write more later, but I wanted to say hi to Nomo and thanks for popping in. Some specifics:

I am so glad you are not sticking with a C you are not happy with. I hope the C appt on 7/19 goes well. Why did it take so long to get in?

I called her for the first time the week before 4th of July and she was away the week of the 4th, and then booked the next week, so I wasn't able to get in until this week. When I called her the first time, she called me back and then we spoke for almost 20 minutes. Much different from C #1.

Finally, if H won't go the first time, maybe you can get him in later after you report back that it is good. You may have to present it as we need to improve our communication so we can be the best (co-)parents possible.

Nice way to put a positive spin on it, if he decides not to go! I need to try to think that way too.

You talked about intimacy and temper being your issues. I know you are reading SSM. Great! Don't push it on him reading it. As for the temper, where are you in analyzing, addressing, dealing with that one. That sounds like something the DB ideas are tailored made to help with!

Until last night, I felt like I've had a much better attitude, which has helped my anger. I've been thinking about this alot, and I've always had such high expectations. I've constantly expected that H will pitch in around the house without me having to ask, that he will do things for me, etc. Now, I'm trying to expect little from him, but expect much more from myself. It's hard.

He doesn't want to go on the vacation, he doesn't want to see your family, no birthday plans, no JC - I now it hurts, but he is telling you he needs time and space. It is so hard to give it to him, but you have to. This will take much longer than you want. You have to develop the patience needed. This very hard for me too. We have to do it! We can do it! We will do it!

Keep reminding me of this! I'm going to need it, as I am not the most patient person on the planet.

Following-up on our LL discussion on my thread, I would go very slowly. I think I need to pull back too. We want so bad to fix things, but it's not gonna happen overnight. We need to slow down. It's like hostage/terrorist scenario Sunny described on my thread. Did you see that?

No, I missed that. I'll have to go look for it. Over the last few days, I've used a few subtle touches (i.e. this morning touching him on the shoulder when he was at the sink), but I know I have to take it slow.

You can be the person you want to be. Have you identified what she looks like? Most likely, that is also the person he fell in love with and/or the one he will want to be with.

You are so right, except she's about 15 years older now, has 3 needy children and has to take ADs. Seriously, I am really trying to work on (1) not nagging and (2) keeping my temper in check. I know that taking time for myself is important, so I've been thinking that I should sign up for a regular weekly class. If I pay for a class, I'm more likely to go than if I just say that I'm going to do something for myself on Wed. nights.

N_A, I hope that helps. You sound like you are doing well. Keep it up, and keep posting.

Thanks!

[Not Much Left]

Hey NA
You sound very much like me. Read my sitch and see if anything sounds familiar. I have been told, even by C that i am the woman in the relationship - feelings, need to know details etc.

Nomo has good pts as always. Only you can know if your pushing his boundaries or buttons by going too far, too fast, ok? But think about what u did during the day. If you get on on goosd reaction that u did not solicit, keep going, if you initiated and got on on passive but "seemingly" good response, i would think about it. It may just have been polite-see Sandi's 2x4 upside my head today!

Happy to listen, just ping mew on my thread and i will pop back over here.
Have a good day tomorrow

[new_attitude]

CVA- I will try to read your sitch as soon as I get a chance.

I'm feeling down this morning. H went to a GA meeting last night, but didn't get home until after 1:30am. I really wanted to say something to him when he got in about being out so late, but luckily I fought the urge and tried to go to sleep. He slept on the couch so I didn't see him until this morning and then I was very distant. When he's been late before (usually not this late), he's told me that he went out for coffee with some other members or just stayed out talking. I really want to trust him, but I can't. My mind just keeps going to a bunch of horrible thoughts.

New GAL idea: work on regularly getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I'm a zombie today and that's not doing anyone any good.

[new_attitude]

Time to vent. I am living with this terrible, sinking feeling, this pit in my stomach that is telling me that h is still gambling. I just can't get past it. How am I ever going to get to a point where I can trust him again? Today was h's birthday and we were on our way out to dinner with the kids when I noticed that our car (new in May) had passed 3000 miles. He had put on about 60-70 miles since last night when I went shopping. I said to him that I thought he had just gone to the other side of town today to the driving range? He got quiet and didn't give me an explanation. I didn't push it, but it weighed in the back of my mind all night long. Whenever I've had these types of feelings in the past, I've been right and he has been gambling. Even if he's not gambling, this feeling that I can't trust him is killing me.

After dinner, we were playing miniature golf and I started to get teary-eyed while watching d7 and s7 playing golf. They must think everything is OK. They must think we'll always be together. Why do they have to have their lives ripped apart? Why is he doing this?

I do know that I have also contributed to our R problems. I've made alot of mistakes that I wish I could change. I had this stupid idea that he was going to love me always, no matter what, so I thought that if I ranted and raved, we would alwsys be OK. I wish I would have dealt with my own personal issues with a professional instead of always relying on him. I wish I hadn't put so much pressure on him. I wish I would have done something to try to close our intimacy gap.

I've been thinking that maybe our problems don't really fit into the DBing "mold." Maybe DBing isn't right for our R? Are our R problems too complex for this model? Could I be causing more damage to our R? Maybe I need to learn to deal with this addiction better first. I just don't know what to do and it's eating at me. Now I am actually hoping that h won't be coming with me to our C session on Thursday. I think I could use some IC first. If he doesn't go, I need to encourage him to try a new IC, maybe he will see the C I found on his own.

Thanks for listening. I really need to get to bed. I am breaking one of my GAL goals to get more sleep.

[Not Much Left]

NA
Get some sleep. Frankly, I dont think the sitch is too complex for DBing, I just really think every sitch is different and you are the only one in your sitch and ultimately it is your goal to be better than you are now (the best person you can be) and that the ideas presented here and in the books are all just guidelines.

In your case, I was a bit worried about the Gambling as it related to pulling it back together before he was dealing with it. You mentioned he was going to GA and ICing. Are you afraid all that is for show or is it just the beginning of the ride?

Not being negative here, just re-assess where he is and it would be good for some ICing on your part, IMHO.

Me too on wishing I wish I would have seen a professional to deal w/me and not relying on my W to try and support me through my personal issues. I also feel for you on the kids. WE ALL DO, TRUST ME it brings a tear to all of us.

Check in tomorrow w/ us, please!
Goodnight

[new_attitude]

Thanks CVA. I'm feeling a little better this morning.

I don't think the GA and the IC are for show, but I have my doubts that he is going to the meetings when he says he is going. Also, he hasn't been to his IC in a few weeks, as far as I know. He has so many other issues, related to his family mostly, that he needs to work through.

How often do you see your C?

[Not Much Left]

Hey NA
I saw my C every week for about 9 weeks, took a 3-4 wk break then seeing him again weekly although i may start going to a Nomo suggested lady next week as i wasnt really getting the help "I" needed and his last interaction w/ W (she went to see him) did not seem to give me confidence he is ultimately going to be helpful to our M

[new_attitude]

Hey NA
I saw my C every week for about 9 weeks, took a 3-4 wk break then seeing him again weekly although i may start going to a Nomo suggested lady next week as i wasnt really getting the help "I" needed and his last interaction w/ W (she went to see him) did not seem to give me confidence he is ultimately going to be helpful to our M

Weekly seems like alot. I don't know if I could go through all of that every week. I have my 1st session w/new C tomorrow and I'm hoping to start w/every other week sessions.

Nomo's C sounds great. I would try her out myself, if she wasn't 2000 miles away! If you're not confident in the C you have now, you should switch.

[Not Much Left]

Why does weekly sound like a lot? Just curious

[new_attitude]

Why does weekly sound like a lot? Just curious

I just think I would be emotionally exhausted after going each week, but maybe with the right C it wouldn't be that way. I have a very limited C experience (3 visits), so I'm not exactly an expert.