Kicking him off the fence

[delia]

Olive, you could have a happy life with All of them. Your H could be entrusted with the job of sweeping up after parties.

[theoden]

Olive,

Once you lose the fear...then your GAL efforts can be re-inforced with slightly increasing amounts of boundary setting.

Once the fear is gone -- you will have the insight and strength to perhaps help you husband change into version 3.0.

He may not change. Or he may.

Oh yes, once the fear is gone, you will be able to tolerate him while he decides about the affair while you GAL, because you are CHOOSING to tolerate it while you emerge into a powerful goddess.
You are no longer living with his affair because you are afraid of losing him, you are TOLERATING it because you have other plans in mind that will lead to a better future for you, and perhaps your husband, if he becomes MR. 3.0.

--Theoden

[lovelyolive]

Not so sure that I can even "tolerate" the A any longer. This has been building for so long. I was bound to give up, give out, give in sooner or later. Gosh, I'm burned out.

Not to worry - I'm not going to do anything drastic - although I feel like it...

[saffie]

Olive,

If you are able to just stop and think about what you WANT to be the outcome. Do you still want to be married to your H? If he recommitted what would you need to change, (if anything), for it to work for you?

It's not all about the other persons needs and wants. Of course if we want to stay with them we want to make them happy and meet their needs but it does have to be a balanced relationship and you have needs to be met aswell. You are so NICE and that is who you are so you have to find a way that gets you to where you want to be but is one that you can live with for you and your daughter.

We are all cheering you on on here.

Are things better or worse than last week or last month? In what way have things changed?


Sometimes when I am quite low I have to try and focus on what I have achieved over a longer period. I also have to remember to pat myself on my back for the things I HAVE managed to do or achieve or change rather than beating myself up about those I haven't.

And above all RESPECT yourself. You are a good person

Saffie

[Yoyowife]

Olive,
If you haven't read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson I strongly recommend it to you. It deals with being loving but firm and not letting them walk all over us during infidelity. It's about cofronting the issues. They had this panel on their and they all talked about how they made excuses for their spouses and tried to appease them and their marriages still ended. It talks about getting self respect back and respect from them. I wish I had paid more attention to the book. I wasn't brave enough to follow through. I thought by not confronting him and being a good wife he would come home. Guess what? It didn't work we are still getting divorce. Please read the book.

[lovelyolive]

Yoyo - can you tell me more about the book and what he recommends? I picked it up briefly at the library but can't remember too much about the infidelity stuff.

[Yoyowife]

LO,
Here is a website that is associated with Dr. Dobson. In this article you will find a letter that you can adapt for your purposes. Although this letter is written from the perspective from somone who is separated I think you can definitely change a few things up and it still relay your feelings.

http://www.family.org/marriage/A000001322.cfm

[lovelyolive]

I kind of did that a few weeks ago. Sent an e-mail telling him that if leaving was going to make him happy that was what he needed to do and that I would obviously, have to live with his decision. Actually, asked him last night during R talk why he doesn't leave if he is so attached to ow... I truly believe he is afraid to move and make the "wrong" decision. Unfortunately, every day living a lie is a "wrong" decision in and of itself..

[Aud31]

Good luck tonight Olive. Theo's right.

[Yoyowife]

LO,
They also have a part that tells your husband that if he remains with the OW then you will leave. They say if you tell them you must follow through if they keep seeing OW and let them know what it will be like to not have their families around.