Scott, I'm glad that you had a great time with your friend. It gave you a good little reprieve from the drama in your life except when she was getting in her jabs. As far as her requests go, just tell her that your lawyer will have to check everything out. My H was trying to get me to give him a "figure" the other day. I just calmly told him I wasn't sure, that's what I had a lawyer and accountants for. I'm sure he didn't like that answer, but if it weren't for our spouses who pulled these stunts we wouldn't have to be worrying about these kind of things would we? Hang in there buddy, we shall make it down the road with a few bumps and bruises, but we will survive. Who knows maybe even come out better people as a result of it, I'm betting on it.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Classic technique (pay off my car) trying to get little chunks of money from you, all to support your girls.
Do they teach this in WAS 101?
She tries to guilt me with the car thing saying that I had a responsibility with her car before I went and bought my car. My answer to her was that she had a responsibility to this family before she went off and had an A.
As for your conversation below, where you the fly running around in my kitchen yesterday? That was part of our conversation, unfortunately I lefte the fact that the OM is a coward out of the convo.
Last night, I did tell her that my L has everything that she has asked for from me and I cannot effect the speed at which the D goes. I said you will have my parenting plan by the end of the weekend and some of my thoughts about distribution of assets and equity. I left the convo at that and went to my couch to get some sleep.
I believe our S's want out so bad that common sense does not enter in the equation. My W told me that she was willing to have me pay her have of my 401k(me taking out a loan). For her to not touch the house equity until I sell it in a couple of years. That means that I have to give her after tax money now and the equity in the house later. It also gives her something to hold over my head in the future. She can have half of my 401k and half of the house equity now, it might make things tight up front but in the long run it makes the most sense.
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Who knows maybe even come out better people as a result of it, I'm betting on it.
Yoyo, we are better people for enduring what we have and growing through it. I am not betting on it because I know that we are better people. At times that is hard to see, but it is the truth.
The way to split up the 401(k) is to have a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO). This instructs your company to disburse a portion of your 401(k) to an "alternate payee." This is pre-tax money that she can put into an IRA. The QDRO is described in the settlement, but executed as a separate court order because it is addressed to the company. The disbursement is done "as soon as administratively possible" and is based on a fixed value or fraction of the total as of a certain date (divorce final), plus or minus earnings on that portion from that date until disbursement.
Don't take out a loan to pay her, because then you have to make the after-tax loan payments in addition to your pre-tax contributions--if you get a little squeezed you end up reducing the contributions and maybe forfeiting the company matching--all bad.
You had a responsibility to pay her car payment? What BS. You CHOSE to do something for your WIFE. If she doesn't want to be your wife anymore, then the perquisites that go with that position are forfeit as well.
The way to split up the 401(k) is to have a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO). This instructs your company to disburse a portion of your 401(k) to an "alternate payee."
A QDRO would be the means to split your 401(k). I work in retirement consulting and we deal with QDROs on the pension side. If you are splitting your 401(k), are you also splitting her retirement benefit? I am assuming since she is a nurse she might not have a 401(k) but rather a different type of plan?
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
My W does not have any retirement accounts, I was the only one to contribute to a retirement plan during our M. I assume that going forward she will be thinking about contributing to her own account, but to date she has not. I am kind of hoping that the markets will tumble a bit so the value of my 401k will take a hit, but that is wishful thinking at this point. Right now I want to have as little ties to my W as possible. We have our kids and I will be paying CS but I want to leave at just that.
It is also nice to know that there is an expert in this area on the board, I might have some questions about this at a later date.
BTW, when are you changing your name to Hopeful or SmokinHot or maybe WonderfulBabe.... Just a thought...
In my case I have a pension and a 401(k). In the settlement she got the equity in the house and I kept all of my pension. We split the 401(k) with her getting more than half to balance out the fact that the NPV of my pension was more than the equity in the house.
In your case, if you are keeping the house (and pension, if any?), you might consider offering her the lion's share of the 401(k) in order to balance things. Then you don't have to pull equity out of the house, for instance. Yes, you will take a hit in your retirement planning, but rebuilding that will be easier than selling the house, etc.
It is also nice to know that there is an expert in this area on the board, I might have some questions about this at a later date.
Let me know if you have any questions about QDROs. I specifically deal with pension QDROs, but the 401(k) ones are much simpler, so I might be able to help.
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BTW, when are you changing your name to Hopeful or SmokinHot or maybe WonderfulBabe.... Just a thought...
Still feeling hopeless.....Maybe in a few months when I'm this hot divorcee and I'm fighting the guys off with sticks (a girl can always dream), I'll change it to something more appropriate.
Keep your head high. Your wife is behaving like a child...I guess putting you down makes her feel better about herself...wasn't she ever taught the Golden Rule. Maybe your W and my H will grow up someday and realize that they lost the best things that ever happened to them because they were selfish. There's no doubt we are the ones that are handling this the best we can and we will make it.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It must be difficult to remain in the same house, and certainly it would be hard to pretend to people that nothing out-of-the-ordinary is happening--if that's what your W expects you to do.
It might have been easier if she'd just moved in with OM and started enjoying his company full-throttle (throttle's a good word). She might already be home by now.
I know you're angry and discouraged. I'm mad at your M counselor: she sounds like she ought to be forced, in the afterlife, to walk a coule of billion miles in the shoes of all the people whose lives she's ruined.
I'm mad at your M counselor: she sounds like she ought to be forced, in the afterlife, to walk a coule of billion miles in the shoes of all the people whose lives she's ruined.
I agree... I am not thrilled with my W's counselor. I feel how she has counseled my W has been irresponsible. Then again I cannot blame her for all of this mess. My W is not dumb, she has made her own decisions, mind you with bad counsel, but the decisions that she has made are hers to own no one else. That said I still miss and love my W.
Last night I went to our churches mid-week service. Because I have been GAL I haven't been to church in the last couple of weeks. It felt good getting back in church.
While at church last night I ran into my W's friend(the one that had 2 A's) husband. The year before all this mess started we got to know him and his W well and where becoming good friends with them. Because of the sitch and since his W is more my W's friend I have stayed away from talking to him or his W. Last night for the first time in months I stopped and talked with him for awhile. He tells me his M is on the rocks again. He does not know about the 2A's so he feels that his W is in some kind of funk. I do not feel I have the right to talk to him about his W's A's but at the same time I want to help and support him. He is going to be starting C'ing this week and soon him and his W are going to be doing MC. I hope/pray that their M does not end like mine is. He also has two kids and living in a broken home is not good for them either. The one thing that he is having a hard time with is seeing his part in their M's hard times. He is a great guy but he is having a hard time seeing his part in all of it. He also mentioned that he feels my W is indirectly influencing his W through our D. I believe we are going to start talking and hanging out a bit again, which is good, though I worry how this is going to make my W feel.
I also say my IL's at church. My MIL gave me a big hug and did not want to let go. I also gave my FIL a hug and asked how they where doing. I will see them again on Friday since I need to pickup my girls from there house while my W is working. I know it is a reality of D but it still sucks losing my relationship with my IL's.
I have not mentioned the dog in a while but my W is ready to get rid of her. She is puking and crapping all over the house today, W just called to inform me of this. I warned my W that the dog would bring on unneeded stress. But now my W is stuck with the dog because D5 loves her. She really is a good dog but nobody has time to train her. I really do not think it would take much time to train her but I am not with her enough and when I am I have my girls, they get my attention not the dog.
