Theoden, I love your post (the long one). There is so much truth to it. Thanks.
LO, You will know when you cannot take this anymore. then you will know it's the time you have given him all you can, and you will feel you are strong enough to give him the ultimatum.
I am now pretty sure my h is in MLC. Lots of MLCers need to hit rock bottom before/if they wake up. My h may be waking up, or not. Hopefully your h will wake up before you move on.
Take care.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Had a 3 hour R talk initiated by H last night. Nothing new really. He won't stop the A until he sees me making changes. Next breath - yes, I'm seeing some changes and effort to change.. Huh? Doesn't want D but can't see us getting better in our M... We are great friends, etc. Same stuff just not talked about for a while. I was a mess.. H was a mess..
The big news is there is some weird sort of "intervention" planned by some of his family members tonight. Crap.. Why do people feel like they need to do stuff like that??
I did not mean to actually start to date. Ihaev not done so,but I wanted to see what H would say if the tables were turned around. The saying still proves correct that its OK for them to do it but not us. I knew my could be the jealous type but he never like to show it until now tha he suspects me seeing soemone ONLY b/c I guess I am GALIng so well & not preoccupied anymore about what he is doing or disecting ANY of his words. I think I am detaching again!
Had a 3 hour R talk initiated by H last night. Nothing new really. He won't stop the A until he sees me making changes. Next breath - yes, I'm seeing some changes and effort to change.. Huh? Doesn't want D but can't see us getting better in our M... We are great friends, etc. Same stuff just not talked about for a while. I was a mess.. H was a mess..
Where do I start?
He won't stop affair until you change...hmmm....can I kick him in the b@lls? What freakin' changes? This pisses me off. Now I'm steaming mad. Can't Mr Can't Keep his D*ck in his Pants realize that he is destroying trust and intimacy in this relationship, and that you ability to really open up to him is completely shattered by this affair of his? So it's a competition, Olive? If you pass the test, he drops the OW?
F*ck him and f*ck the horse he rode in on.
Yes -- we know he doesn't want a divorce. He's too spineless to divorce you or leave the house. He just wants to be able to have his cake and eat it, too. He should move to France, where it's socially acceptable to have a wife, children AND a mistress.
He can't see you getting better in your marriage? Of course not. He's in a MLC and in an affair. They are always negative about the marriage. He's actually not really giving your marriage that much thought. In fact, he's trying to hamstring any efforts at saving your marriage by having an affair.
That's what taking risks is all about. You have faith and hope. And in the trying and doing, things start to get "unstuck".
Honey -- here are my thoughts.
Let's take a complete change in persepective.
Ready?
STOP trying to save you marriage. Your marriage is dead. It's a no-win situation. The only way out of this impasse is to start envisioning in you mind a happy future without him. He's not worthy of you. He's a very confused and sick man.
Keep up the GAL activities up for YOU and, perhaps, for that lucky guy who gets to be your next husband. That lucky guy might be MC, Husband, me or a plethora of worthier men ;-)
That next guy in your life might happen be the man who your husband turns into. You just don't want the man you are married to now. He's in a MLC and is moving in a fog. He's a narcissist and a shameless philanderer. You married husband 1.0. He's upgraded him self to version 2.0. You've now got version 2.0 and it really sucks: to many bugs. In fact husband 1.0 was really husband 2.0 in the making. The software has a fundamental defect.
Even if you change into the exact person your husband wants, and he leaves OW -- do you really want to be married to husband 2.0? The scumbag who screwed other women so he could turn the great and beautiful Olive into a Stepford Wife?
Honey...you ARE changing. You are going to make a quantum leap forward. You are going to surprise yourself.
You husband needs a whole new operating system. He needs a clean wipe, a new motherboard and new software. He needs to grow up and become a real man. He's now a boy. Don't settle for less than version 3.0.
