WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[waw1978]

So its official. My login for this website does not work from my home PC. Strange ay? Anyway the last week has been a rollercoaster to say the least. H’s family was visiting from out of town so I was asked to make appearances at the family functions (5 days worth ahem) to appear that all is well. H was appreciative but I had to dodge questions about this big family trip to LA next month. I have decided not to go and it made me very uncomfortable to outright lie about going. I went to the two pre-planned concerts with H last week and although it wasn’t terrible my heart just wasn’t in it. H didn’t assume too much from these outings which was a nice change. Also he made a breakthrough with the MC and figured out that constantly asking me to do things with him was putting me in the “bad guy” seat because I was constantly put in the position of having to decide and saying no. So MC suggested to H that I be the one to initiate any invitations to do things. H was reluctant but seemed to start to get it.

The MC isn’t getting any easier. I feel worse now than I did when I started. H doesn’t grasp the amount of hurt that I feel. I have been crying for days and can’t concentrate. I know it took a lot of your LBS a long time for things to click but you have no idea what your WAS were going through. The range of emotions is just stunning. I feel hurt, neglected, angry, inferior and most of all helpless. I have done all that I can. I keep up with the MC hoping that something will click. I keep hoping that I will want my H again and then I feel guilty when there is nothing there but anger and hurt. I am starting to wonder if I can ever get over this? I took us years to get here, will it take us years to get through this too?