Very interesting lawyer visit, who was a sympathetic woman in her 50s. I learned a few things and thought they might be useful to you also (though I imagine you already know all this). For what it is worth:
o Sweden says its law applies to those who are registered inhabitants. That might mean I can change my legal residence to the USA, for example, and then have a different, more favorable, set of laws apply. o The foreign ministry (UD) has experts who can help in questions about family law and other countries. o The general 50/50 sharing of all goods applies to everything possessed on the day the divorce is applied for. Everything you earn after this day is yours and not shared. File early! o CS is relatively low at maybe 200$ per kid per month, potentially doubling to maintain their standard of living. o paying to maintain her standard of living hardly ever happens, and then only for a while. o Offshore money may not have to be shared. o A contract between spouses can effectively replace a D, but if you are legally married, certain obligations still apply.
So the big question is whether to file or not... I see it as a potential way to force improvements in our relationship, but maybe this doesn't work?
* * Has anyone experienced that the act of filing for D brings back your spouse? * *
Gotta run - blew away too much working time with this lawyer stuff - later -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hey LuckyLuke Sometimes my wife just takes hers off because of water retention. Her fingers swell and it bothers her. Yesterday morning I noticed her rings on the bed after she left for work. Asked her about it and she said she took them off to put on her stockings (didn't want to snag them) and forgot to put them back on.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Good on the visit! Just take the time to let the information sit in your mind. Weigh up the alternatives carefully and always put it through the "what is best for the kids" lens. From my point of view what's best for the kids is two loving, caring adults who visibly respect and are attracted to each other. This gives them a wholesome view of how relationships should be.
What do you mean by "two loving, caring adults who visibly respect and are attracted to each other"? Do you mean it would be better for us to stay together or to find another woman with whom this applies?
How are you doing?
luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
If you can't provide a wholesome, healthy environment for the kids in your current situation then you need either get your wife working with you to change it (in other words, she works on the marriage) or get her out and get a loving female role model in for the kids. Your wife's current mercenary attitude needs to change or she needs to be shown the door. That's my opinion. Since you've researched the alternatives you need to make that fork in the road decision. Talk directly to your wife. Let her know that you're aware of her most likely having an affair and that it probably started over 3 years ago before things went to pot in the marriage. That it may be another man than the original, but it's rare for a woman to act like her and not be having one. Let her know you're willing to work on the marriage, but only if she is. Also, since you suspect her of having an affair you need to stipulate that she gets a clean bill of health before even THINKING about inviting you to bed in the future. You don't need to risk your life for her and if she balks at it then it's a deal breaker in my book. Your kids need a father, not a walking STI.
Sounds harsh, but you've been dealing with this for years and it's time to make a choice. Check out Chocolateyes thread, he's having a simliar experience with his wife and it might give you more insight.
Luke, I really like the fact that you are taking your time in order to make a good decision. That is crucial. It can be so easy to let our hurt and anger guide our choices. Keep thinking straight and I'm sure you will come up with something that will be best for all. We three year losers have to stick together! Hey, my W's sleeping in the basement now but continues to keep her clothes in our room. What do you think of the idea of putting itching powder in her undies? Just asking
Sorry for the long silence. I was consumed by work and travel. The plan is currently to enjoy the summer and then talk once the kids are back at school.
Here is a text I wrote, which I will present verbally and with other words when the time comes:
Dear -,
We need to make a decision whether to continue or end this relationship. Here are the reasons for each alternative as I see them.
End because;
No emotional support, no love, no touch since 3.5 years, separate vacations, no sleeping together, no good communication, all setting a poor example for the children.
End because:
Affair in Germany, possibly ongoing, and possible affair(s) in Sweden, causing a loss of trust. Secret phone calls, SMS set to silent, disappearances around dinnertime. You say that you approve of affairs, which I do not.
End because:
No financial sharing – you said that you would receive three times your bid from - for the - job, but only ever deposited 8 TSKr into our joint accout. That cannot possibly be the total sum. My paycheck flows into our account.
Do not end because:
We have children and a nice house.
I don’t want to live with and pay for a woman who doesn’t clearly and openly love me; that would not make sense. For that reason, I think it makes sense to divorce, as you have stated many times. The only alternative I see is that you
O end your affair(s) and come clean on them O have an exam to check you have no STD O start working on us, together or without me, whichever you prefer O reaffirm in some public way your commitment to this relationship.
Please let me know your decision.
Luke
* * *
I have two job offers coming in a bit. Both are out of the country, which would add a twist to this whole business. Maybe with the kids old enough (they'll be 10 and 14) a D may not have so many bad effects and maybe being in a new country will give extra (good) distance to any ending.
My two cents -
Luke
ps. A beautiful day again, the Finland white roses blooming, lively waves on the lake, tons of sunshine.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Luke, you are doing way too much of the work here. Don't do all her thinking for her! I believe you need to sit down with her and say "I am not willing to continue like this, we need to make a decision about our M. I would like to work out our differences but to do this I need you to 1) commit exclusively to our M, no outside romantic R's and 2) to go to MC together. If you cannot do that, then I will respect your choice but we will then need to sit down and work out the financial and family arrangements for a separation. Please give it some thought and let me know by XXX. Again, my preference is to re-build our M but I am willing to let it go, if that is your choice" That's my 2 cents, take it or leave it. BTW that was my little speech to my W... she said "it isn't going to happen" so it's separation time, I wasn't farting around, don't you either. Put the cards on the table and let her decide. Enough is enough Luke.
