Ok, I'm really trying to readjust these goals towards myself. Though I do know that I need to work on me as much as anybody, the problem I am having is understanding how the real issues that must be worked on, (i.e:our communication and respect for each other during arguments) can be worked on by myself??????? I enjoy being who I am, and aside from our communication issues and the history of our battles, I am in a stage of my life where my efforts in my career have begun to pay off. I am an entertainer, and very prolific and respected in my circle, though without her, even my own performances feel like a waste of energy as W has always been very supportive of me that way-in fact I've never cared about the praise I receive from strangers, only her. Sure, I know I need to quit smoking, but I am generally very happy with me and the way I choose to live. I have amazing friends who all work hard on their M's, and I can actually pay the bills on my entertainer's income. The part of my life that has truly needed work is my R with my W, and I can't do that with her living out of suitcases just miles away while I try to go on working on me in a home filled with all of our memories and good times. I didn't kick her out, yet when I spoke to her a few days ago she pointed out to me that she has been forced to live like a gypsy with nothing but her clothes and her car. I didn't say it, but I was thinking, "YOU have reminded me that left ME, and I have let you know I want you come home, so what are you talking about?" She says she can't see the good over the bad, and yet I wake up every morning to the life we have created together, our photos on the walls, each knick knack reminding me of the happy moment where it was acquired, her scent still dangling in our bedroom that I no longer sleep in, and I am supposed to work on me? She has told me we have don't have much in common, yet I see so many reminders of our connection whether I am home or out and about. Our R/M is a rare one in all of the good points people wish for-common interests & activities, lovely friends, supportive family, adventure, romance, passion, mutual support, agreement on having children, travel, affection...we just have trouble communicating on the few places we share differences. The ME that I need to work on is a part of me that only came to be since being with her, and if she is not present, then how can I work on it? I wake every day with stomach cramps and dry eyes from crying. I've lost at least 15 lbs since she moved out, I swim, I write, I "get back out there" and reconnect with friends and family, and everything I do, everywhere I go, is the reminder that my W used to share these things with me which just makes it all seem so blah...When I am out and about, everyone asks me how married life is or where she is and I either grit my teeth and smile, or for a few, tell them we are separated, of which the person always asks "why? You guys always seem so in love? What's wrong with her?". While my W is running around town draining our savings account, avoiding her M, seeing psychics, going out for drinks, and telling people that I am the controlling one, I am reading the DR, going about my business, staying away from her, and asking friends for advice on our M of less than a year. WHAT is it that I am to work on about myself? I know I am venting and probably sound a fool right now, but seriously folks, what can I do that I'm not doing already?
