Not much to report. The movie was good. The trip back to Colorado was good. We went white water rafting- 2 days in a row. We even did some jumping off the high rocks into the flowing river (very cool!!).
H barely spoke to me though. He was always off with my brother or my aunt or cousins. Hardly spent any time with me. Even when rafting. There were 12 of us, and we did a girls boat and a guys boat. He didn't even sit with me on the bus ride to the drop off point or the pick up point.
I just let it slide. I'm so tired of this.
It's almost the weekend and I know he's going to ask me to come over. S is still in Colorado, and D has a sleep over. I've already made plans on my own though. No more weekend wife.
I resign my lease for another year when I get back from San Jose. I've started living for me and stopped waiting around for him. Just can't do it anymore.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
and yes, I had a blast!!!!!!!!!!! White water rafting down the Arkansas. And I mean WHITE water! There were some freakin scary parts where we almost fell out of the boat; water coming up head high and soaking us; we even did a rescue on day one when another boat flipped and we had to pull people out of the water. Floating down in parts and jumping off the freakin rocks about 15 feet high and splashing down into the bubbling water!!!! Plus we were the first boats on the river on the second day and it was all nice and quiet, even the blue herons were still on the water and sailing around us as we floated on down.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
This weekend I steam cleaned the rugs, cleaned my garage, detailed the van in and out, and cleaned the driveway. Not to mention the coaching and getting my classroom ready for the new year.
Too busy to think of H. Tonight he said to call him if I needed anything. I said I'd be fine.
My life is going on without him. Sucks to be him.
oh well. Off to bed for a few hours sleep before I hit the road.
Well, it's been a whirlwind. Back from San Jose. Had a good time.
H and I "talked" last night. I say "talked" because it ended up being a TM conversation since he didn't want to talk in person. He asked if talking could wait, I said sure, but I was ready to file and move on. He said he understood if there was someone else that he hadn't given me much hope. He said that he obviously still had feelings or else he would have moved on by now. He also said that he wants to do therapy- this time together.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!! I freakin hate this 11th hour save sh!t. I have a whole email ready. About how I wanted therapy together 2 years ago, how he's an 11th hour doer, how he hasn't given me hope or a reason to stay and keep fighting. How I am tired of being a yo-yo. How I've begged for hope and reasons to stay and never get one. How I don't think I can keep doing this. How there has never been anyone else and how I can't even picture myself with anyone else, but after so long I can't picture us together either. How he says he's trying to figure out how to be with me- meanwhile he's figuring and I'm moving on. How apparently we're not worth taking a risk. I also said that I didn't know what was keeping him from me, but I couldn't do anything about that. That was his to deal with. I have no control over him, and I was done trying to be a part of his life.
No, I didn't send it......yet.
I'm going to wait for now. I"ll go this whole week and not talk to him. Although that won't matter since he won't talk to me- he will retreat into his own head and stay there.
I wish we could have spoken in person. It was hard to put words into a TM.
If we had spoken in person, I would have added that there never has been, and will probably never be anyone else. I would have added that I don't want anyone else, I've only ever wanted you. I would have added that since I can't have you, and you can't be with me, I am ready to move on and file; that I had the papers in my hand last week ready to buy. You asked me to wait, and I said yes. But if we'd spoken in person I would have asked how long? How long do you need me to wait without hope and without a reason to try?
I would have added that this is the last thing I ever wanted but I have come to the end of my hope and I've closed myself off again. I would have added that I have been strung along for so long that I don't know if I can ever open myself up again.
If we had spoken in person I would have asked you to give me a reason not to give up.
