One link at a time

[whatisis]

Being Me, you wrote "Cherries are yummy, but I am getting a bit tired of pitting them. The jam turned out really well, and S20 and H love it on toast." For God sake, what happened to that hard assed Military Policewoman, where is she now, she's pitting friggin cherries! Get out there and kick some ass and take some names, forget the damn jam! OK, just one more piece of toast but that's the last one!
Oh I just remembered, usually you're kicking my ass, so scrap that last request, OK.

[BeingMe]

Ha Ha! Funny boy! Ass kicking military policewoman has been gone a looooonggg time! She just shows her face a little bit, now and then (does seem to be on your thread a lot, 'eh?!). Being a mom softens ya quite a bit. Wouldn't change that for the world though.

Actually, I was thinking of joining the reserves, but then I'll have to actually get off the couch and get super fit again. Plus, I am no spring chicken anymore. Still, I liked military life .... some of my best memories are from that time.

[tyler]

BeingMe, thanks for sending wii my way.

I owe you a big hug.

[BeingMe]

Hey Tyler! No problemo, amigo! I thought he might be able to give you some insight. Hope you're doing better today!

[Phoenix_spark]

So often I go so hard that I fall asleep before I can get to bed. But then look back, see what's not done and wonder what I have accomplished. Same thing with M. I know what I have worked on, changes made, but still wonder if I have ever done enough.

So many positives, but lurking negatives also. I'll report later.

[BeingMe]

Life is like that, isn't it, Phoenix!? There rarely is a completely positive outcome to anything, but I guess we should just go with the flow sometimes.

I had some thoughts today .... about my attitude in life ...

I realised recently that I have had a habit of always trying to explain myself to people, especially to my family members (and, of course, H). If I felt attacked or hurt, then I felt the need to explain this to the 'offender', and if they didn't 'get it' then I got upset, and usually ended up being angry and resentful (and such a martyr, ugh). This is behaviour I had before I discovered DB'ing. Since installing DB'ing into my life, I have slowly over the years, started just letting things be, with the odd backslide, I'm ashamed to admit. It's only in the last week or so, that I have come to realise that this has been a lifelong attitude, and probably stems from my childhood.

So, with this discovery, I feel I can start moving toward an attitude of just saying 'no', without explanations being necessary, detaching if someone hurts or offends me in some way (and realising that most people do so out of their own fears and pain), and just getting on with my life.

Most of this came about because my niece wants me to visit them in their city (which I have just been to a couple of months ago), as my sister is returning to our home country. Okay, now I am going to explain myself here (where I know it doesn't matter, and I am safe). My sister has never gone out of her way to see me, or visit me, even when she was on her way to visit our eldest brother, and would drive right past my house. My niece (and family) were going to come and visit us in April, but something came up (as it always does) and they couldn't make it. I don't mind, but my nephew and other niece had visited her, then were going to come visit us (he flew out of the airport near us to return to our home country), and didn't bother to pop in and say 'hullo' (there was some excuse or other, and that's fine ... I don't mind). Anyway, I just don't have the time to go, or the money, since I will have to go in September anyway, to see my D20 who will be giving birth around that time. My niece has been putting the pressure on me, and I am feeling so bad.

It's so weird, my family gets offended very easily and my sister, especially, can hold a grudge for years, so I have spent my life cow-towing to her to keep the peace, but I am tired of it. So, I am just going to say 'no', and leave it there. I am hoping to go to our home country at the end of the year so will see them all there then.

Okay, can't help the feeling of guilt creeping up everytime I say no to family. Damn, they sure have got me, but I refuse to do it anymore. Agh!

[Phoenix_spark]

If you know the problem, what you have to/want to do, then do it. The only way you can fix yourself is to address your problems. I too have had to develop that frame of mind, mainly because I got tired of the guilt trips and someone pushed it too hard once.

To many of us let other people over fill our lives just because we don't want them to be let down. In the end it usually makes us want to avoid them and less likely to offer service willingly. Most of them don't figure this out till after the damage is done.

[whatisis]

Being Me, I still feel bad if I let my W down, go figure! I think recognition of our traits, habits etc is a good first step to changing them. Often we can say no without seeming offensive too, we just believe that the other party will be devastated before we even say the words, we're already operating from a defecit position. Try it out in small ways first and graduate upwards. With your neice just politely say "F@ck no, I won't go!" I'm sure it will be fine

[BeingMe]

Thanks, again, for the validation. What would I do without you guys? Go insane, no doubt! Sometimes, I feel bad when there really is no reason to feel that way, and I end up overdoing the conciliatory actions to make up for what I perceive (and they, my family, and even my H, encourage this) to be my selfishness.

Sometimes, I really don't feel I am living my own life, but I am getting there, slowly but surely. The guilt I used to feel isn't as sharp as it used to be. I think it's a good thing to live far away from family, especially mine. They are generally fair weather family members, unless they need me for something.

'Eh, enough about them. I am happy with myself, and getting even happier as I realise how foolish I have been in the past, and far I have come on this journey in the last few years.

I have awesome kids ... my S20 took me out for lunch today, and we had such a lovely chat about life in general. It's so nice when one's children actually like us, above and beyond loving us. I am really grateful for that.

[Phoenix_spark]

In some ways I wonder if wife tends to resent me starting to want to live my life, since she doesn't seem to feel she is. However I think she was starting to take it to far, but has mostly reeled it in. I guess me starting to stand up for myself, then her feeling that she was resenting it might have played into equation.

Sorry, had to expand on your point a little. Sometimes this DB thing is catch 22.