Time to vent. I am living with this terrible, sinking feeling, this pit in my stomach that is telling me that h is still gambling. I just can't get past it. How am I ever going to get to a point where I can trust him again? Today was h's birthday and we were on our way out to dinner with the kids when I noticed that our car (new in May) had passed 3000 miles. He had put on about 60-70 miles since last night when I went shopping. I said to him that I thought he had just gone to the other side of town today to the driving range? He got quiet and didn't give me an explanation. I didn't push it, but it weighed in the back of my mind all night long. Whenever I've had these types of feelings in the past, I've been right and he has been gambling. Even if he's not gambling, this feeling that I can't trust him is killing me.
After dinner, we were playing miniature golf and I started to get teary-eyed while watching d7 and s7 playing golf. They must think everything is OK. They must think we'll always be together. Why do they have to have their lives ripped apart? Why is he doing this?
I do know that I have also contributed to our R problems. I've made alot of mistakes that I wish I could change. I had this stupid idea that he was going to love me always, no matter what, so I thought that if I ranted and raved, we would alwsys be OK. I wish I would have dealt with my own personal issues with a professional instead of always relying on him. I wish I hadn't put so much pressure on him. I wish I would have done something to try to close our intimacy gap.
I've been thinking that maybe our problems don't really fit into the DBing "mold." Maybe DBing isn't right for our R? Are our R problems too complex for this model? Could I be causing more damage to our R? Maybe I need to learn to deal with this addiction better first. I just don't know what to do and it's eating at me. Now I am actually hoping that h won't be coming with me to our C session on Thursday. I think I could use some IC first. If he doesn't go, I need to encourage him to try a new IC, maybe he will see the C I found on his own.
Thanks for listening. I really need to get to bed. I am breaking one of my GAL goals to get more sleep.
