OF, thanks as always. Your words certainly have a lot of impact on my thinking. 9 months ago I thought by this time now I'd be strong enough to move on. Here we are over a year later and while I'm stronger my day to day life sucks, I'm exhausted this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Even more importantly just the thought of her being with another man and another man in my D's life makes my stomach turn. How can I overcome this feeling?
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
MWHGC, no I guess I wasn't here when that happened. As I said above, I thought I'd be over all this by now but even after all this time I'm somehow not detached.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
I thought by this time now I'd be strong enough to move on. Here we are over a year later and while I'm stronger my day to day life sucks, I'm exhausted this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Even more importantly just the thought of her being with another man and another man in my D's life makes my stomach turn. How can I overcome this feeling? ________________________________________________________________
Good God!! Were you inside my bran when you typed that? If you find the answers, please share. It has been 13 months since my W moved out and every time I think I have moved on I get knocked over by the wave of pain.
9 months ago I thought by this time now I'd be strong enough to move on. Here we are over a year later and while I'm stronger my day to day life sucks, I'm exhausted this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Even more importantly just the thought of her being with another man and another man in my D's life makes my stomach turn. How can I overcome this feeling?
Well, I don't know if I have the answer. Or perhaps I do, but it may not be the right answer for you. Here's what I can say with regard to my own situation and perhaps you can glean some nuggets of value from it.
The first step for me (though I didn't recognize it at the time) was to come to the understanding (and to accept) that my W no longer exists. Like an Alzheimer's victim, the physical body remains, but the person inside is gone.
That led to the second step. If my W is gone, then who is here now. What is she like? What does she want? What does she expect?
The third step was to evaluate the answers to step two. Am I attracted to someone like that. Is this new person someone I really desire? If I were looking for someone to marry today, would she make the short list?
Finally, I took a look at my life and asked myself if it was a bad life...or just a different one. In the early days, I think I believed that if my old life was good, that any other life must be bad. But I've come to understand that while my life is now different, that doesn't mean it's bad. There are bad parts to it, but there are good parts as well.
I loved the life I had and I would never have chosen to change it. But they say love is blind and if I really look at it objectively, there were bad parts then as well. I chose to ignore them in favor of the good parts and I can do the same now.
As I point out to jackw below, moving on isn't about forgetting your WAS or being happy all the time or never feeling any pain. It is about living your new life. Setting new habits. Creating new memories. Making a new life that, although it is different, is OK too. It is recognizing that, like everything else in life, this too shall pass.
The good times never last forever, but neither do the bad. Our lives are transitory, no matter the lengths we go to in order to change that fact. There will come a time when another event (the passing of one of your parents, falling in love with someone new, moving to a new job) will change your life again and the "new" life you now face will then be the "old" one you must leave behind.
But for now, stand tall, be strong, continue to improve yourself, allow yourself to feel pain, but don't wallow in it, and turn your face toward the sun. Your tomorrows are filled with better days. Peace and courage to you.
Originally Posted By: jackw
It has been 13 months since my W moved out and every time I think I have moved on I get knocked over by the wave of pain.
It is a common misconception that if you've moved on the pain disappears. While it is true that it no longer consumes you, there are, and will be, events and situations that bring it back. After a year, you come across them less frequently, but they are still around and will be for a long time. There are those I know who are years into a second marriage and quite happy, but still say there is a hole in their heart that will never be filled.
Moving on doesn't mean that you will never feel pain or be sad about the collapse of your first marriage. It means that you can live, that you can laugh, that you can enjoy friends, life, and the things that are meaningful to you. It means that you are not consumed with thoughts of your WAS, that s/he is the topic of conversation only occasionally, and that you are able to allow the process of healing to begin.
I don't know you are at that place yet, but the fact that you are sad every now and again is no reason to believe you are not. Strength, patience, and peace to you.
You have got to be kidding. I'd love to give him a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior is simply outrageous and indefensible. That said, I'd guess the two of them probably deserve each other. He may be "great" now, but I'd bet it doesn't last. Since neither apparently believe they did anything wrong, I'd bet both will fall into their old ways and that'll be the end of that.
Sorry if I wasn't clear. The guy who ran off with Cherishers's wife doesn't show his face around here for obvious reasons, nor does his ex-wife. I have no idea how they're doing.
Cherisher does get on here every once in a while and he says he's fine now.
"I just think that we’re both good people, we both made mistakes. I’m not here to say who is more wrong or whatever, because in the end, it just doesn’t matter does it? I felt it went too far down for me to go back at this point. It totally blows. It’s like a waste of all the times we had together. It separates 3 people that will never be as good apart as they were together. And that’s just not fair.
I think this comes from pride and the opinions of other people. It's never too late unless you're dead. But, when your W has 10 people in her ear telling her how much better off she'll be, how much happier she'll be, how she can do so much better, etc. She starts believing it. And she's made a really hard decision to bail - yes, it is hard for them, no doubt. Think about when you've made a really hard decision, how easy is it to go back on the decision? SUPER hard. You feel dumb, you feel foolish for doing it, and you don't go back on it despite knowing it's a wrong move - that is PRIDE. Pride is the #1 (or #2) killer of marriages.
OK, maybe she would be better off, BUT how does she know for sure? come back work on it sincerely, and figure it out together. If you come to the conclusion, TOGETHER, that you don't belong together, fine! but don't make a unilateral decision based in High emotion that will ultimately change your life forever! Take some time, talk about it, don't argue, don't blame, don't look to the past (you can't change the past) and talk about what the future might look like. talk about what you both want out of the R. Make it very specific and see if you match up. If not, well at least you gave it a valiant shot and didn't bail without taking a long logical look at things. I think this way you can at least part with fewer regrets. that works for both parties. If you can make it work, GREAT! If not, you part knowing you did everything you could. Some people may not be compatible, who knows...
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Sorry if I wasn't clear. The guy who ran off with Cherishers's wife doesn't show his face around here for obvious reasons, nor does his ex-wife. I have no idea how they're doing.
Cherisher does get on here every once in a while and he says he's fine now.
Oh. I misunderstood. I thought the other guy was still hanging around. Thanks for the clarification (though the original behavior is still outrageous).
Originally Posted By: JR2007
Come back work on it sincerely, and figure it out together. If you come to the conclusion, TOGETHER, that you don't belong together, fine! But don't make a unilateral decision based in High emotion that will ultimately change your life forever! Take some time, talk about it, don't argue, don't blame, don't look to the past (you can't change the past) and talk about what the future might look like. Talk about what you both want out of the R. Make it very specific and see if you match up. If not, well at least you gave it a valiant shot and didn't bail without taking a long logical look at things.
You are so right. Too bad you're preaching to the choir. Both individuals have to be willing to engage in that kind of frank discussion, but I don't think his WAW is willing/able to do so.
You are so right. Too bad you're preaching to the choir. Both individuals have to be willing to engage in that kind of frank discussion, but I don't think his WAW is willing/able to do so.
She's not, none (or very few) of them are. They have to be willing to break down that wall they have built up over the past who knows how many years. The wall is HUGE - it's the Berlin Wall (but even that came down ;-) ). It'll have to come down brick by brick, not many of us have the necessary wrecking ball to demolish it in one shot, unfortunately. The fear involved with being vulnerable with us is immense - they CAN'T go back to what was, in the relationship. We have to be in a place where we can provide a safe environment for them to come out from behind the wall and be vulnerable with us. And us with them - to move forward (on their timeline).
If all this isn't a screaming cry for relationship education in High School or something, I don't know what is.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
After her last email I replied to her in an upset tone. I basically told her while she talks about the loss and such she's still making excuses and not willing to do any work. I told her "You can try and look for me when you're ready to be a real woman. A real woman who's family is her kingdom, the kingdom she protects with her life. Right now you're running away like a frightened deer and I'm done chasing you." - that was the harshest thing I've said to her since all this time.
I know its harsh and goes against DBing but I was really upset that after all the things I've done for her and waited for her so patiently for over a year she's not moved an inch in her decision. I'm still very upset. In fact, I'm supposed to have D today but I don't even feel like saying hello to my ex when I go pickup D. I've instantly lost all the attraction I had towards her.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
This IS by far the hardest, most painful and most trying thing you will go through (well....short of things happening to your kids). It will try you beyond what you think you can stand and you will try to make sense of the senseless. You won;t find ANY sense in it...trust me.
What I CAN tell you is that there WILL come a day, regardless of the outcome, where you will sit back and take stock of your life and realize a few things:
1) Life is short and it is up to you what you make of it...consider that you were alone before you met your wife and family, and you were fine....you will be again
2) Take this as a wake up call and strengthen your relationships with your kids - you will find a new joy that you didn't think was possible amidst all the pain and heartache you are now experiencing
3) IF it does not work out, chances are you will detach to the point where you can look at your R with a fresh perspective and you may actually find that you have been liberated
4) Even when all seems lost (as in my case) and you think it's all over, you will be surprised at what happens months down the road Amazing things can happen
5) If it is to work out, you will have to go through the process that things have to go through.....take it as a personal vacation...time to work on you and find your own personal happiness...then, when your spouse returns, you will be a lot more pleasant to be around
It's hard, I know...so I won't try to blow sunshine up the you know what. Simply know that you WILL get through this. Consider a heavy storm.....what can you do to stop or assuage it's onslaught? Nothing....all you can do is hunker down and ride it out.....sooner or later the storm will subside and the sunshine will come out again. It's just plain nature. You'll be OK!
Good luck....we've all been where you are now, and for mthe most part we are all OK now, or getting better by the day.
