I didn't think I would make it one month...then two, three...finally I thought how can my life go on without H???
That is when I had to take responsibility for my OWN HAPPINESS...this wasn't easy...it wasn't steady either...good days and bad...but eventually it got easier...I surrounded myself with supporting friends...I made sure I did things that were fun...I avoided anything depressing...I stopped watching Oprah, the news, sad shows....I just couldn't take it...I had to focus on life and what was enjoyable...I had to take time to smell the roses...my new job that I got after H left helped me...I started driving a school bus for special needs children...I saw how their families coped...how they were happy, had a life, and found joy for themselves...
Happiness doesn't revolve around another person...it is something you share...my H wasn't happy so therefore he couldn't share his happiness...and I wasn't happy when I left so I had nothing to offer to him either...eventually we both worked on being happy in our own life...then we put the two together again...it wasn't perfect...it wasn't a "whew, glad that is over" moment...but it was our beginning...
It also helped for me to have compassion for my H...I knew..KNEW in my heart that he was being tortured inside...as angry and hurt as I was I also felt sorry for him...I think this also helped me to hold on to my love for him...
Sandi...sorry your having a bad day...I hope you read my post to you on your post...your are worth it...remember that...you can do this...you WANT to and that is more then half the battle... Stay focused...as much as possible...keep journaling on your post and you will keep receiving a steady stream of support just for you..
Just an update.... the last couple mornings my W has made a point to see me and talk to me, somewhat friendly, in the morning before work, even gave a little hug...I know I am looking too much into things but I can't help but see this as a little confusion on her part.. She has already told me multiple times that she wants to leave, get separated, etc but just no time because of work. And I continue to support her, tell her to do what she feels she needs to but that I want her home and I want her to work with me on US. But being lonely in my own house with her living in a separate bedroom is wearing on me. I definitely GAL and am calm, cool, busy without her. She walks around a bit down, unemotional but that's her deal. Her slight interest in me could be interpreted as her just trying to gage my attitude b/c she may be fearful that I'm going to flip and kick her out. But that's not the DB mode I'm in (yet). I guess I just look at the glass half full. I wish she would just say, "you know what, I've been thinking, I don't want to move out, let's give MC a shot".
Thanks for your optimism -- I needed that! I am in MC myself, appts every 10 days or so. It has felt very good -- I've realized lots of things I've done wrong, have done a lot to understand her better and made many changes in the last few months. But she says she still wants to move out but I'm hoping there's a part of her doubting this decision. I appreciate your optimism. I think I'm doing the right things with the improvements and GAL actions.
Don't place too much in the fact the your W gives you a hug sometimes. Sorry, don't want to burst your bubble of hope, but I have done the same thing with my H. I nearly walked away for our 41 year marriage. I have trying to work through an EA and I am getting stronger, but I have enough sense to know that I have a long ways to go. However, I know that I actually hold back showing any kind of affection to him because I know his hopes will be jacked up sky-high and think everything if "fixed"...and it is not. She may be very perceptive in reading your re-action to her "trial" hugs and sees that you are the same way. Just guessing here. Maybe that was one of her more stronger moments, as I have had, and she was "trying" to put forth some effort. I know it is hell for you. I can't imagine what you must be going through. But, if you can just stay cool and not show any reaction to her touches, etc., she will not be afraid to try more frequently. I dare say that if you re-act in a hopeful way when she gives you a hug....even if it is nothing more than her seeing a twinkle in your eyes, it will scare her....or discourage her from trying. I know it doesn't make sense to you husbands. Bless your hearts, I know it is awful for you. We females are so complicated we don't even understand ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to understand us? But, just try to be patient a while longer and keep GAL and playing it calm when she decides to try a hug out on you. The next step might be a little peck of a kiss. That will be a test also.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow, that is great insight, I needed that. Saturday went great, I was totally cool, unselfish, watched her girlfriend's kids so they could have "woman-time". I didn't overdo anything, no problem with GAL or confidence. I caught her crying uncontrollably Sat night, unfortunately I said "don't worry, I care too much about you, I will fight for our marriage"....I could have kicked myself for revealing my feelings on R...and then made the mistake of asking her the next day why she was crying which brought up questions on her part, why didn't you respond before to work on our relationship...all I could say was that I didn't get it, made a mistake...I know she's thinking, "why should I give him another chance". It cooled off after that and she was visibly angry on Sunday. She has this internal struggle I think, with being mad at me for responding so late and only because she threatened to leave and (hopefully) maybe he really is different and maybe this marriage can be saved. But her anger flip-flopped sometime in the evening, she came and found me to say good night and she gave me a small hug before work today. So I'm back on the confident, GAL, be cool track again. I know she is totally on the same page you were, and has said it before, "I don't want to give you false hope". Ouch. And I'm really trying to do what you suggested, just be there, in the background doing my own thing, being myself and available if she needs something. If she wants to walk out, let her. She thanked me for not getting mad when she brought up the subject of buying a condo.
What would you make of her questioning herself on "why should I give you another chance" or the statement "the place for you in my heart is not available"....do you interpret a little hope or is it just justification for a decision already made?
Well, I'm not sure, but I would guess that she is going through a lot of mental and emotional stuff. As Michelle's book indicates, we WAW wait until we are nearly out the door and then the H gets his wake-up call and starts a 180 and this confuses the W. She doesn't know if there is a place in her heart because she is confused and not sure of what she wants at this point.
It's not fair to you, because you never know what she is thinking or how she may be feeling the next half of the day. I can just try to enourage you to act as her closest friend...not what the H wants, but what she needs right now...no pressure...just be calm and collected. I know it is the pitts! But, I think Michelle's book...DR has very good advice if you can just adhere to it.
I am sure you desparately want to see any signs of "hope"...but please just try to do as I have suggested. It is hard to explain how it affects a woman that is ready to run, but it is like poison to her. It is like when she sees the hope in your eyes or voice....it acts like a threat to her. It pressures her. To you, logic dictates she would "like" to see you encouraged and hope in you...but it works the opposite way. I know...it doesn't make sense. The wonderful differences between the sexes.
The day my husband could let me talk to him without becoming angry at me, and without judging me, and without getting his hopes jacked-up....and BTW, I could "see" it in his eys...the sencerity....I felt like I could "trust" him to express my feelings. I felt like he was my friend. That is what she needs now.
Now, the question to you is this....can you stay in it for the long haul? It takes a lot of patience. It goes against everything your nature is feeling on the inside of you. Is she worth it? Is your marriage worth it? If so, then you will find the strength to do it.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/23/0710:13 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sanid is giving you some great information from within the mind of confusion. I would like to add to that.
Finally_Free...now Happy_Again does not post often--if ever. e sometimes checks in though. He registered around January of 2006...waivering and spweing at the borad in general. He was an MLCer..getting ready to return home; he has been home for over a year now. Here are a few quotes.
Quote:
I do love her but I will not let my guard down ever again to her. I told her that she will find someone else and will get over me. I will never again tell her I love her or she will think she has some hope.
Quote:
So how would I take steps forward without giving her false hope? I do not want to hurt her but I am still so unsure. I did call my kids last night and asked to speak to my wife. She seemed really happy to hear from me, maybe too happy and it scared me. I don't want to get sucked back in again.
But it was nice to have someone ask me about my day and my job and even ask me what I ate for dinner. I miss that part of her. I will admit that she didn't make any of her usual suggestions about my life and she seemed interested in what I had to say.
I had to end the call I suddenly got to feeling really anxious and made an excuse to get off of the phone. I lay awake all night thinking of my family and my wife and how much we have hurt each other in different ways.
I pictured her face when I once ripped her to shreds as she was trying to apologize to me, that look still haunts me. I pictured her face when she tried to convince me to have sex with her and how I turned her down flat telling her that I would never touch her again, and how she repulsed me. She sobbed like a baby and I just laughed at her and left.
