I agree with Sara. What sort of a message are you sending him if bf still around - 'ok let's give it a go but i've got an insurance plan for if it doesn't work out.' That's how I think I would see it if I was in his boots. Sorry.....
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Your M has no chance in getting back on track as long as you have a bf. You have read that a number of times.
So that for sure would have to be a first step. I would not get back to the marriage right away and move things forward full speed. Start with dating. I would not EVER agree to the terms your xH is suggesting. Him having access to everything. He will just have to suck it up and trust you. But maybe someone can help the two of you on figuring out what each of you would do if this was a trusted R. That is why dating to start with would be helpful. Once you have established at least some common area that you want to be together you can call a DB coach to get you to that next level.
Retrouvaille is a good place to go. But you are not at that stage yet. It may be too soon for you to get there. They teach you how to dialogue. You can find a lot of information on how to dialogue before you even go there. It is about using I statements quite a bit.
I think you are not being fair to you at this point. This bf is obviously not the man for you. And do you truly want to be with him for the rest of your life, out of pitty. I would say he doesn't want that either. So whether you decide to work on your R with your H or not, your are with the current bf should end anyways. Then maybe even try to work on you while you are giving your xH some space. You need time to decide what you want. Not just what the men in your life want.
Good luck.
Neli
******************************* Both: 33 Together 13y; Married 8y Kids: DD8 and DS5 Separated: 08/31/06 D Filed: 2/21/07
Well, I'll just chime in with the previous posters. It won't work with the boyfriend still in the picture. Bf may not see it quite that way...
And you are likely to be left feeling--I don't know what. To put it bluntly, one of the possibilities I would feel anxiety about, in your situation, would be dismissing the bf, only to be unable to make any real progress with Ex-husband. Essentially what you will be doing in meeting your ex's request--which certainly seems reasonable enough--will be one big leap of faith for you. To work on your former relationship with your ex, with only a very bitter, dismissed boyfriend as backup should you fail, does amount to a significant offering of your trust.
Somebody has to start somewhere with the trust. I think it's up to you. With the boyfriend definitely gone, you and your ex might actually make extremely good progress.
You haven't seen it from the other side. Although your ex's relationship with the house guest was inappropriate, and may have been wending its way toward an emotional attachment with boundaries torn down--it's still the physical affairs that seem to be the most devastating to the other spouse.
I'm really hoping this works out for you. You need an excellent counselor, I think. Someone with experience in marriage counseling--lots of experience--who is committed to helping you put the relationship back together.
I guess I want to reiterate that i did not have a physical affair until the divorce was filed. My ex and I went to one counseling session at which time he said that he wanted to divorce and start over fresh if that is what we decided. I still believe, as I have told him, that this situation could have been different if I had gone NC at that time and our lady houseguest given the boot.
I agree that counseling should take place after the bf is completely gone from my house, but what about counseling to learn how to communicate? this is badly needed.
Once again thank all of you!!!
Shiloh
Married 8/2000 EA 11/2007 Divorced 4/2007 No Children
I love my ex-husband...but i dont know how to get our life back....
I think it might be worthwhile to spend some time researching counselors, until you've found a person with a lot of experience dealing with couples and their communication issues. Couples counseling seems to be very different, and more difficult, than counseling one person alone.
My H and I went to see a very pleasant lady, a good listener, a smart woman--and yet we never even talked about my husband's affair. We chatted about how we needed to spend more time together. My H talked a lot about Buddhism, for some reason. It was not helpful, although I learned a lot about Buddhism.
So, having read accounts of excellent counselors on some of these threads, I think that the right person can make all the difference.
