There is a chance!! There is always a chance and you are still early on and doing the right things.
Snooping is wrong! I don't mean from a moral stand point, but from a pain stand point. Why put yourself in harms way. If you fins something, you can't change the fact that it is there. Nothing will make you feel better, so don't do it. Once I let go of the need to snoop it was freeing. I can go to W's empty Apt to get things for the kids and I look nowhere, becuase I don't want to be crushed and I feel better doing the right thing.
25MLC is a very wise person and gave me a great deal of advice 6-7 months ago (I sinced changed from Jack H to Jack W because I forgot my password :))
Hang on to your hope and get thru each day by setting daily goals. In the early days I would write down three goals and at the end of the day I would write down how I did against each goal. They were simple like show no anger or disappoinment, make her feel comfortable and hang out or talk an extra ten minutes... I still have them in my draft folder and while at 15 months I no longer do them, they helped me a great deal at the time. It was neat when you would get a streak of 6-7 days where you obtained the goals.
and you are right, snooping tends to backfire. I didn't, btw. I feel really good about that...drove to therapy and back and didn't look at anything. yay me!
was a really good session, came home in a great mood, chatted with H a bit, deflected his incessant questions about therapy and told him I didn't want to talk about it, that it was between me and my therapist pretty much. he pushed a lot, started to pick a bit of a fight about it, and I didn't bite. he's just irritated that I have good sessions and get something out of therapy, whereas he tends to have bad sessions (his words). of course he has bad sessions...he's a freaking narcisist who puts no work into it and takes little or no responsibility for anything. (no I didn't tell him that)
off to the mall with a friend. see, busy busy busy!
eta, I agree, 25mlc has been very helpful...I'm so glad I found this site!
Last edited by morgan; 07/17/0703:56 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
here's a question. our 10th anniversary is coming up in october. obviously not something he's probably thinking much about, but I am. I'm still hoping we'll be in a place to celebrate together. if not, I am doing something. I have to, I can't just sit around on that day. So I've decided to do the vegas thing. I have never been as an adult, so would be a fun long weekend, and its something I could turn into a H and me thing if we are in a good place, or could make it into a girls getaway if we aren't.
the problem lies in child care. I am tempted to ask H what he has put in for vacation time. he always takes this week off, but not sure if he bothered to this year. should I give him a heads up? or is that just crazy at this point? because obviously I'd either like him to be able to join me, or if not, I'd need him to watch the kids while I go.
wwyd? do I bring it up now, or should I hold off? I think I'm leaning toward just asking what time he's scheduled off right now and leaving it at that, no more details. how does that sound?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
ack! being the not-so-patient person that I am, I e-mailed him quickly just asking what time he has put in for. nothing more, just that. just got this back:
"The only time I have put in for is that week in august. I should still have 12 days left. Why?"
Ack Ack Ack! I don't know what to say. hopefully he won't try to call, but will see him tomorrow when he comes to see the kids, so need an answer then.
what do I say? do I go into the anniversary week thing? do I tell him that I need to do something, with or without him that week? HELP!!!!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
DO NOT make this about your anniversary week, or anything like that. BAD IDEA. If you do want to go on a trip alone, then do it. Pick a date, plan it, do it. But DO NOT wallow in self-pity because of some stupid date on a calendar, and do not pin any hopes on the idea that you will reconcile magically for your anniversary.
My guess is that if he "always" took vacation around your anniversary, it was only because you "always" wanted him to. There is no way he will see this as anything but more needy behavior from you, and it will turn him OFF.
Tell him you would like for him to watch the kids sometime so that you can go on a trip. Ask him if he would be willing, IN GENERAL, to use some of his vacation for this purpose.
If he says no, then say you'll make other arrangements. If he says yes, ask him if there are any specific dates that would or would not work. If he says "it depends" then tell him you will get some specific dates in mind and ask again. But not October.
thanks guys. the thing is, I HAVE to do something on that day (the 18th, btw). I can't sit home on it. I can't. I know its just a date on the calendar, but it does mean something to me. it used to mean something to him...he always took it off, not because I asked, he did it automatically from year one. we always went somewhere...I'm much more of a go somewhere type than give me more stuff type. And I do need the child care, and would rather have him take time off than ask his mom to (the only other human being willing to watch all 3 for an extended period).
okay, will just put it that I'm trying to get a girls trip together. I will avoid saying where/when/why right now, I guess, and see what he says. definitely will find out what doesn't work. you are right, it will seem like the pathetic/needy me that I don't want to be to bring up our anniversary or even hint about wanting him along.
jack, I'm sorry your w is such an idiot. she had to have thought about the date last year, even if she didn't say anything. it does suck. it sucks so much. and its not what any of us signed up for.
Last edited by morgan; 07/18/0710:47 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
okay, just e-mailed him (such a weenie, he's calling in a half hour, lol) and said, "was wondering if you were avail. to watch the kids while I go away sometime this fall."
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
its official, I suck. you both were right, I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't. just got his response:
"Yes of course. Anything in mind? Just keep in mind that I have my national meeting the whole week of September 24th."
now, obviously that's a really nice e-mail, but it just sucks, because obviously I really did want him to want something more than he does. we are in such different places...I say that over and over, I know it, but still, it hurts. I hate that he is so accomodating...he sooo wants me to have my own life, to move on, even to find someone else. even though he has said he isn't ready for us to be over, he wants us to be, so he can merrily and guilt free move on with his.
sniff. no time to sit and bawl about it, gotta run to swim lessons.
and ugh, the freaking meeting he talks about is in san diego...with the OW. ugh ugh ugh. shoot me now.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
It's simply amazing how they can just move on like nothing is wrong. I will never understand a WAS. The coldness, the selfishness. I will never understand how somebody can do that to somebody they used to love.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
