There are some excellent resources at the top of the forum. The Six Stages of MLC by Heart's Blessing reviews the stages. It is an expanded version of Jim Conway's stages from his book Men in Midlife Crisis. Jim and his wife Sally also wrote books for Women in Midlife Crisi which may be helpful to you, and they wrote sevreal books for the LBS of an MLCer; I recommend all that feel relevant.
Sandi,
As for an MLCer needing to be shocked to wake from the crisis. Some say that a crisis puts them in and thus a crisis must get them out. This is true for some...not all, and perhaps not most. And at early stages, a crisis isn't likely to bring out an MLCer. MLC is not something that can or should be stopped--to yank an MLCer out of the tunnel entrance is to risk a greater crisis--a high likelihood. MLC is in part about issues from youth--and reintegrating the repressed pieces of Self.
No, that doesn't mean you are or are not through your crisis. There are different levels. Most of the LBS's around here probably have full blown crisi spouses. But there are milder forms--we all go through Life Transitions, some may be more severe than others. You may have gone (and are still) going through a Life Transisiotn which maybhave mild crisis levels...or not.
Many men and women feel as you did, and they do not leave their spouses, have an affair and treat the LBS like dirt. Here is a Bibliography and Jim Conway's web link.
Brehony, Kathleen A. Awakening At Midlife. New York: Riverhead Books, 1996.
Sharp, Daryl. The Survival Papers: Anatomy of a Midlife Crisis (Studies in Jungian Psychology By Jungian Analysts, No 35). Publisher: Inner City Books, (August 1988).
Sharp, Daryl. Jungian Psychology Unplugged: My Life As an Elephant (Studies in Jungian Psychology By Jungian Analysts). Publisher: Inner City Books, (September 1998).
Stein, Murray In Midlife. Putnam CT: Spring Publications, 1983. Depression
Aronson, Emme and Phillip.s Morning Has Broken: A Couple's Journey Through Depression. City: NAL Hardcover, 2006.
Golant, MitchWhat to do when someone you love is depressed.
Hart, Archibald D.. Unmasking Male Depression. Publisher: W Publishing Group, (January 2, 2001).
Real, Terrence. I don't want to talk about it : overcoming the secret legacy of male depression.
Rosen, Laura Epstein. When someone you love is depressed : how to help your loved one without losing yourself.
Sheffield, Anne. How you can survive when they're depressed : living and coping with depression fallout.
Strauss, Claudia J. Talking to depression : simple ways to connect when someone in your life is depressed.
Wexler, David B. Is he depressed or what? : what to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn. Infidelity
Harley, Willard F. and Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Surviving an affair. Grand Rapids MI: Revell, 1998.
Darn...several of my favourites are missing--like all of the Conway books!
Now be careful. Reading too much can be a dangerous thing. Though some of my favourites are not on that list, I reduced it still--removing more than half of the list. It can lead to overanalyzing. And that really good one ..by ??? Peter someone...UGH...it's sitting at home.
It is importatn to GAL and find yourself rather than sitting at home analyzing an MLCer.
Ok, I found their site. Thanks so much. I know I have a very long way to go. I took an on-line "test" to see if I had a real MLC and marked almost all but two. That's not good.
I agree about the "shock" ...it depends on the person, I'm sure. Even though it did knock some sense into me, it did not shock me out of the crisis. I have a long, long way to go and I need all the help any of you will offer to me. I hate this! I want to snap out of it, but it doesn't happen like that. It feels like I'm sick and can't get over it. A lot of mine is mingled with physical problems, so the depression gets tough. I have no energy. I think if I just felt good and had the energy to "deal" with life, then I could start to heal from everything. I don't feel like going into work, but then when I stay home, I get so depressed. So, it is a vicious circle.
I know I need some close friends because over the years, I don't have friends over to the house. It seems like they all kind of disappeared. I used to be the kind of person that just HAD to have friends....and then I went for years that I really didn't have anyone close other than my family.
I have lost interest in everything. My poor H has had to do the cooking for months now. I barely keep our clothes washed to have to go to work. My activities at church has went by the way side. My hobbies have all ceased. I don't enjoy watching a movie or reading like I used to do. I have been trying to do a lot of reading about DR and things like that, but I mean just for enjoyment. Along with knowing that I'm not doing what I should be doing around the home induces a lot of guilt and more depression. So, why don't I just "snap" out of it? I wish to God I could! It is the most awful feeling I've ever had.
Those who don't understand will think this sounds like I am just focused on myself. They will think I am having a pity-party. I used to be one of those people, but now that I am experiencing it first hand....I have changed my mind completely. Trust me, nothing would make me more happier than if I could wake up in the morning and everything would be back to normal....especially me. I just want to feel like my old self again and be the person I used to be.
I hope you new friends that I have met and have been here for me will stand by me on these days that I am having a hard time. Last night when I laid my head down on my pillow....I began to sob my heart out. I don't know why. I felt so sad about everything. I try to count my blessings and I can look at others that don't have as much as I do, etc., but you see, that does not seem to work...and that is what makes me so sick at myself. I can understand why some people would not have any patience with someone like me....I don't like myself either...but I want to get better. That is why I am trying to read and reach out to you all and to pray to get through this hell on earth. I don't want to go through years of it...I don't think I can stand it. I want to do whatever I can to stop it and get better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Those who don't understand will think this sounds like I am just focused on myself.
I don't see that--and I have nt expereinced it personally--only through Sweetheart. MLCers are sel;fish at the expense of everyone else. Replay is the phase wehre they are tring to avoid depression--it is Cover Depression. It's there time to be 17 again, and some get nasty-mean.
You don't sound that way in your post--but you may have been there earlier, Depression follows Replay.
You are depressed. Have you seen a professional about this? Find a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, counselor... We are here for you, but you need a professional and someone physically present.
What can you tell us about your husband? How has he handled this?
Almost forgot...the book for you is the first one listed i the Depression category. You can read about it on Amazon.
Last edited by Rollercoasterider; 07/17/0708:56 PM.
Sandi2, I want to say how much I really really appreciate your honesty and you sharing your sitch with me. It gives me such a better appreciation for where my W is now and how much I really need to support her. I assumed all along the last 3-4 mos that she's the bad guy, out to hurt me, only caring about herself and an easy decision to just start working on us. But you have shown me that it's not that simple.
She is stuck and must feel absolutely horrible about it. She probably would love to snap out of it and have the inspiration to get back with me but something inside her will not allow that to happen.
So how does an MLCer convince themselves to take action in a positive direction when they really don't feel like it. Wow, what a dilemma. I thought I had it bad thinking how horrible it is that my W, lover, friend has left me. But at least I haven't left myself. I'm still on focus of what I want in life, and not too confused about where I want to go.
I'm reading into your comments that all you can ask for from your H is to be supportive, patient, loving but not to overdo anything, not to put pressure on you. That is probably what my W wants. In fact, she probably wants me to GAL so I'm not sulking about her which probably makes her feel more guilty. I feel so much more empathetic for you and people in that situation.
Does it help to set goals or think about what you ultimately want in life? Does it help to think totally logically about what your goals are and what it takes to achieve them? This sounds so simple-minded on my part and I am such a newbie that I should be the last person offering any advice, but this is what I would love to tell my W but she would take it negatively -- but if one of her goals is to have a friend to be with, to have companionship, to have someone to hold hands with after retirement that knows her better than anyone else, doesn't it make logical sense to start or continue building that relationship with me now?
I have seen a C several times now, and he has helped me immensely in determining what I did "wrong". It is so important for me to understand how she feels, what she interprets as what I did wrong and to totally respond. For example, it is important to her that I listen to her and value her opinions. Therefore I need to show her now and every opportunity I get to listen, say positive things about her opinions, follow them and disregard what I think is right sometimes. I need to show her this respect over and over again, but without being clingy or needy. Is your H responding in this way? Has he tried to meet your needs?
You may be getting a bit obsessive. Something for the nerves may be in order. You are analyzing every tidbit of her behavior which is going to drive you nuts. This isn't going to be solved today. Or tomorrow. Give yourself a break from it. There's no button you can push, switch you can throw, or statement you can make that will make this go away right now. This game goes for four complete quarters, and you've just started. Don't burn yourself out. This chasing behavior will make it worse. If you have to take a valium, get one. You're in danger of making things worse by obsessing. This has to be thought out and done rationally, not with emotions, so find a way to cool your jets and calm down.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Thanks for your sweet words. They are encouraging. I don't feel that I am up to saying much, being in the mood I am in tonight. You see, at this point in time, I am trying desparately to get back to where I need to be physically (had sugery a little over 3 weeks ago) and trying to get back emotionally (breaking away from EA with OM). My husband has been great at giving me the space I need.
At first, my H was hanging around me all the time, watching me get dressed in the mornings, seeing what I was doing on the computer, etc. It bugged me because he never had been like that and it was smothering me. I resented it highly because I had developed feeling for the OM. So, of course, I did not want my H anywhere around me. After having several talks, he told me that he could back away and give me space as long as he could be assured the OM was out of the picture. So, I agreed. But, it was easier said than done. I cry every night for the OM. My emotions are so screwed up at the moment. I know I have a good husband, but don't have any physical attraction to him. He feels like my brother. I cry because I don't know if I will ever be able to let my H touch me sexually again. I cry because I sent the OM away and I may never experience that kind of sexual excitement again.
I'm sorry, because I know this is not what you want to hear. It's not what anyone wants to hear....not even me. I am just showing you how messed up we can be. But even if there had not been an EA with OM, I think I would have felt this way because it has been building for 11 years. You just can't go that long without intimate relations and think your M will not suffer.
I filled my life with other things to think about and do because I did not have the happy marriage I wanted. I used all the principles of what to do to have a happy marriage. But then I got tired and sick and did not have the energy anymore.
Yes, I believe in setting goals. Right now, I'm not sure of what to set for a goal. I don't have the mindset for it. I guess because I feel so depressed today. I'm just trying to survive a day at a time.
I pray to God your W does not get in this shape. It is hell. I have taken anti-dreppression meds, but they didn't work. My famiiy thinks that taking a lot of meds is part of my problem now, but it isn't...they just want an excuse for what has happen to me. I went to see a couple of C, but they said I knew as much about it as they did. They weren't being sarcastic, they just meant that I had studied so much in that area that I knew most of the things they would say to me. I went one time to see a phy. doctor. I think she would have been good, but couldn't afford her prices. Right now, I don't have the finances to go to see anyone. Got to get medical bills, etc. paid first.
The saddest thing to me about this whole thing is that I know I have a wonderful man for a H. He has the kindest heart and loves me with his entire soul. Nobody would ever love me as much as he does! So, why can't I feel that love for him in return? Why won't God give me the sexual desire for my H that I pray for so badly? It is not just for my sake, but for my H as well. He deserves to be happy. But instead, he has this mess for a W.
I'm sorry, everyone, it is just a bad day for me. Guess I am venting tonight instead of helping anyone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
