It begins ... with a slice of comedy.

[SallyM]

Max, the silence can be a little tough. when the kids are with H, if I don't have plans getting me out of the house, I tend to wander a lot. but the key for me is to make plans...have friends over, make phone calls if you need that contact, or crank some music and sing your lungs out. lol. some silence can be good, of course, but when it get to be so much, try to overcome it somehow.

good luck. will be thinking of you.

[MaxP]

Morgan,

I'm doing fine at the moment since I have been keeping myself busy. I still find the silence very odd, if quite peaceful! Unfortunately if I try to wander in this house I'll bump into a wall pretty quickly.

Friends are more difficult as I don't have many that live round here. Most of our local friends are really my wife's friends and I've always found it hard to ask people for support. Oh well, time to wise up.

Thanks for the tips and the support.

Max

[SallyM]

I get that. we just moved back to the boston area after several years away, and we don't live near where we used to when we did live here. even then, a good chunk of our friends were originally his, and as much as all the wives support me, I still feel weird, like they are his and I don't want them caught in the middle. so I've been pushing a bit with some aquaintences. problem is, everyone I know around my town is a SAHM...they have their own family, and its fun to do girls nights/days here and there, but they have a life with their husbands, too. and I hate being that token woman that is hanging out with a bunch of couples. blech.

I need to get out more and meet new people. I need to remember what I like to do, so I can delve into that and hopefully it will spawn more friendships. funny how much of myself I've lost along the way.

good luck, and try not to hit any walls too hard.

[jmegator]

I only experienced that quietness where you can literally go the entire day with out talking for a little while. I made a decision to leave our house and live with a friend so I could get thru this hard time better. I'm on vacation now but am going home on Thursday and I plan to starting GAL and having as much fun as possible. I have a bunch of friends to hang out with and I've done my fair share of moping so I guess that is enough of that.

[Trixi]

Max-
I am curious, do you have any concrete plans to speak in the future? Did you set down any "rules"?

[MaxP]

Agent99,

We have one MC session coming up during the first month of separation. This is the only time we will have any contact, unless we need to discuss any important arrangements (financial, emergencies, our movements, etc) - which we can do via email. No R talk or general talk at all. This dark period will end at around the time our MC sessions restart, at which point we will decide how we are feeling and how to open up more contact.

This decision was reached because my W wanted to be sure we don't rush back together for the wrong reasons. I agreed that a dark period was important for clearing our minds and giving us space. To be honest, I haven't a clue what the future holds - this may be the end.

So far I am doing fine, surprisingly fine. I feel quite free to do what I please and not seeing her helps in this regard. Of course I miss her and love her, but I don't like the silence. However, it's only day 4 and I've kept myself really busy up until now. Filling the next few weeks will be harder as I don't want to exhaust my supply of friends / activities. I've also got other things going on like applying for a new job which is distracting me. I have so much on my mind ...

The only other rule was about sleeping with others. We agreed that we wouldn't (my request), but each time I think about it I never quite recall it in such clear terms as that, so I try to get off the subject. I'm fairly certain she wouldn't want to sleep with anyone while she remains confused, she would feel too guilty. Still, she's always told me it's never been a problem for her to find people willing to sleep with her (i.e. before me), which unerves me. She can also view sex as a purely physical act which makes it much easier to detach. I can't. I am too sensitive and emotional. For me sex is as much about love.

Does this make things any clearer?

Sounds like your sitch is moving fast.

Max

[SallyM]

try not to make the sex thing make you crazy. honestly, most people could just get a quick pickup if they wanted it. but she hasn't, so even though she might be able to view sex as purely physical, she still might have some bounderies. if you are concerned about it, can you clarify with her via e-mail or your MC?

good luck, and sounds like you are keeping good an busy. hope the new job works out, too!

[mkultra]

Hey Max, that first month can be depressing and sometimes calming. I am also glad to have my kids around. They ground me and keep me going. If it were not for them I probably would be either : A. eating out my fridge and renting movies or B. partying in Vegas and hooking up with some beefy dude. I am tempted to do both but my kids reemind me I have swim camp and Brownie meets to attend! I do resent that he left/ got displace from all of us though. I think it is so hard on the kids, but I do not think it is a consolation when people say, "At least they got a divorce/ separation before they had kids." It is painful no matter when or what.

[Trixi]

Basically dark, eh?
Part of me thinks that is a very wise paln and the other part of me screams "no! I'll be forgotten!!"

That's funny about not wanting to exhaust your supply of friends/activities. I can relate.

You're handling this all very well.
No matter what, you will be fine.

[MaxP]

Well today was a little harder. Still keeping pretty busy, which is helping but I have a huge number of things on my mind at the moment. I guess the low point was not having my W here for emotional support when dealing with these issues (more than just the R). I really missed that today and was a bit overwhelmed with stuff at one point. Other than that I'm still doing really well.

Thanks for the continued support. I will have 'first contact' with my W tomorrow at the MC session. That will be weird. I wonder how she has been coping.

Morgan: I recognise that I'm unusual on the 'sex thing' front. I've never really looked for a quick pickup since I'm not really tempted by anyone else (and never really have been during our R). Besides it would really freak me out! I would be devastated to find out if she slept with someone else though. Still, there's nothing I can do so why worry?

mkultra: it's a calming month at the moment. Don't forget to look after yourself as well as the kids.

Agent99: Yeah, really dark with a torch out just for tomorrow! I have no idea how she has been, my guess is she'll have been feeling fine and quite liberated. With regards to the friends stuff, I have a pretty limited supply so need to be careful! Thanks for the wise words, I know I will be fine.

Told my grandparents today. My grandmother was more upset than I am. She is also a bit senile so ending up telling her again and again! "No, there is no-one else that I know of, no no other man, no no other woman, yes I'm fine, yes she's moved out, no there is no one else, yes she's moved out etc, etc, etc". It was sweet she was so kind though, but she is a worrier so that is a concern.

Max


Max